Suffering myth 1...

This morning one of our pastors, Jimmy Knott, preached on myths of trials.  He included one of my favorite pet-peeves.  Well meaning people will say silly things like, "God will never give you more than you can handle." 

I am here to tell you right now that this old saying is patently untrue.  First of all, life happens and we are not always up to it.  For a Christian, circumstances must first go through the fingers of our Heavenly Father, but He lets a lot through.  My dear friend, Steve Brown, has said in the past, "It may seem cold-hearted, but I believe that every time a pagan gets cancer, a Christian gets cancer so the world can see the difference."  Years ago, I made the choice that building the Kingdom of Heaven was worthy of my life and the lives of everyone I know and love.  Don't get me wrong, it's hard when your kid has a debilitating disorder or you have to face hardships, but if it brings Glory to God, that's what we're here for.  We don't get out of this alive anyway. 

God WILL intentionally give His adopted children far more than they can handle.  He expects us to do what He does and that is a lot more than we can do.  The Truth is that He will not give us more than HE can handle.  Part of why we're still here is to learn how to trust Him, rely on Him and work beside Him doing His work.  I Peter 1:7 tells is that the testing of our faith is more precious than purified gold and will bring the Father praise and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.  I want Him to be proud of me more than anything.  He's not going to be proud of me doing what I can take credit for.  He's going to be proud of things He does through me--only what He does lasts anyway. 

I can say for sure that the parents I've met with disabled or injured kids are really amazing folks.  I can also tell you pretty confidently that they didn't start out that way.  I wasn't called to be the mom of a child with Down syndrome or ADHD.  I was called to be Katie's mom and PJ's mom.  They have those disorders, so we address those issues one day at a time with God's direction, healing and planning.  He builds us up to the tasks before us as we rely on Him.  As I pray, the Lord sends strength, stamina and solutions.   I didn't get those things before I had the need.  I got them when I needed them.  I can share the solutions He has provided to spread God's Glory and so others will have what they need when they need it.  In the end, the best things I've gotten from all of this was the chance to know Him better.  That alone has been worth it. 

This decade's prayer

Letting go into a leap of faith...

Over the last decade, I've had the same prayer:

"Lord, I know I'm capable of a lot, but it is nothing in comparison to what You can do.  What I can do will never be enough.  I need You to do what You can do." 

I was born with great abilities.  My biggest struggle growing up has been figuring out the difference between what I could do and what I should do.  I have a better idea at 42 of what God has called me to, but mostly I've given up looking for a calling.  I do what the Lord says to do (as well as I can).  I trust Him and He leads me.  He sends me work.  He sends me people to pray for and tells me what to pray.  He hears me when I call, calms my fears and quiets me with His love.  He is amazing and I look forward to an eternity of exploring the depths of His presence. 

In the meantime, in answer to my prayer, He has placed me more than once in the position where I couldn't do anything.  He has lead me directly into situations that were beyond my capability to complete and left me hanging, waiting for Him to do what only He could do.  It hasn't stopped being frustrating.  It also hasn't stopped being amazing. 

For instance, my body doesn't do what it used to.  My kids take more attention.  So, I lost my job--the job He provided.  He pushed me almost immediately into creating a company.  It was almost 6 months before I had any work for my company, but in the meantime He provided good research work through UF and increased my husband's income by about 25%.  (He's having to learn to trust too).  I keep having to do things I don't think I can do and He keeps making up the difference. 

I don't trust in my own abilities to do anything of any consequence any more.  Only the work He does lasts--or even works for that matter.  Obedience isn't as much of a chore, it is the key to a spectactular adventure.  I can't wait each day to see what He's going to do next.  As with any other adventure, it's not always safe, but He's good and trustworthy. 

I don't know what's next, but I know Him and that's enough...

Timing

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint."
--Is 40:31

This has become a year of waiting.  I suppose that goes without saying when your word for the year is "dry dock"...  Still, it catches me by surprise sometimes. 

Today I went to the late service to help out with the prayer ministry.  All hands were on deck and it was a great time.  When it was over, I felt driven back to the prayer room.  I sat in the stillness again with no agenda, but without permission to leave.  God's presence was gentle but not overwhelming.  Several people came and left and I enjoyed seeing them, but as they left, I just stayed because the Lord wouldn't let me go.  I had a wonderful time reading and relaxing in the quiet with no idea why I was waiting. 

Eventually one of the other intercessors came in and we had a lovely time talking.  I don't see her often, but she is a true treasure.  She reminded me of things I already knew and told me about how God had rescued her life before she was even born.  I showed her nuances of how God works within her own story that she hadn't considered.  I asked her for prayer and she not only prayed over the work God is doing in my story right now, but also promised to include it in her own journals where she lists the things she regularly brings before the Lord.  I am deeply honored and my strength was renewed. 

Earlier today, the Lord reminded me that He rejoices on the rare occasions that I humbly obey just as much as I rejoice when Katie forms a full sentence on her own.  We are both handicapped.  Katie has speech delays; I am proud and easily morph into a human doing instead of a human being.  We are both learning to get beyond our limitations.  Waiting is a part of the cure for my pride and I'm beginning to really enjoy it. 

My God is good to me.

Miracles...

Tonight, the sermon was on miracles.  Jesus came to show himself as God and he proved it through the miracles He did.  His miracles were both a sign, pointing out who he was and where the real source of power is, but also a window into a world rescued from the fall.  They pointed out where God was doing a new thing. 

Since we believe that God still does miracles, particularly when He is doing a new thing in our lives, our pastor invited people to come up and pray with our team of intercessors and pastors.  We have a great team and many of them came out on a Saturday night, even though they are usually only at church on Sunday morning.  It is such an unbelievable privilege to walk people boldly to the throne of God Himself, first to see the majesty of His face and then in seeing Him, rejoice at His willingness and power to meet their need and display His glory.

Several of the people I prayed with were clearly divine appointments.  One is a longtime friend who didn't even need to tell me what her heart was aching over, but at the Throne, the Lord provided a new avenue for prayer that will truly break open the situation.  Another was a person in tears who needs a new job and needs relationship repairs, but needs to know God is there with her far more than she needs the provision in her circumstances--I can understand that too.  The last one I prayed with was a mom who just wants her daughter to speak.  I can't even count the times my heart has broken wanting my own daughter to speak.  After we prayed, I was delighted to welcome her and her daughter to our Saturday night service, letting her know that her 8 year old will be just as welcome as my own 10 year old. 

This is the stuff.  There's nothing like it, short of spending time before His glorious face myself.   What a joy!  The real miracle is that He could use a proud, silly, over-educated slacker like myself to delight in His work, treasuring a role that is decidedly behind the scenes. 

Now we get to see what God gets to do with all we have asked.  My Father is amazing. 

Reminders

Years ago, I had the chance to go on a summer internship to Maine to do research.  We had only been married a few years and the thought of spending the summer over a thousand miles away from my home and husband was pretty daunting.  During that time, the Lord gave me a scripture to encourage Me as I went.  Every time I felt anxious, He would remind me of Phillipians 4:6-7: 

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Truly, His peace did guard my heart and mind that summer.  I arrived in Maine, teary eyed and a bit frightened, but to a world overwhelmed with spring blossoms.  Within a few hours the Lord had provided me with a church, a home and a family that I still treasure today (and since I had to bike 9 miles each day, by the end of the summer I was stunningly gorgeous.)

This morning, the Lord provided me with a new trigger for this season.  I frequently feel alone right now for many reasons.  I've also been trying for several years to walk continually in His manifest presence, not allowing His worship to cease in my heart--in essence, to "Pray continually." He reminded me of how powerfully He cared for my every need while I was in Maine because I was able to take every anxiety back to Him in complete trust that He would meet that need. 

In the same way, as I feel alone, He reminded me to use that feeling as a trigger to seek out His presence again.  I need those kinds of triggers.  His presence is the perfect comfort for my isolation.  In His presence, there is the fullness of joy.  I am at peace.  I can act rather than react.  It is the ultimate stability. 

Thanks, Father, Friend and my greatest Love...

Perspective, II

Yesterday, I talked about eternal things, but there is one other thing that is eternal: what we do with God. The things we do for God won't last, but the things He provides for us to do will have eternal fruit. Check it out in I Corinthians 3:

"¹¹For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have—Jesus Christ.
¹² Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. ¹³ But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. ¹⁴ If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. ¹⁵ But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames. ¹⁶ Don’t you realize that all of you together are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God lives in^[d] you?"

If we build our own kingdoms, using the materials at hand, we can build something that that would be adequate to house ourselves, but inadequate to house God.  When placed on the altar, what we have built for ourselves will go up in smoke, obliterated by the sheer majesty of God.  A house built of gold, silver or precious stones is not what a man needs or wants, but anything less is unfit for God.  We also don't have access to those kinds of materials.  If we are to build such a mansion, we must get the materials for it from God or it will not be built.  We need to get the plans from God, because we don't know how to build with such materials.  We don't know how to do anything in the way He does it.  We can only follow and obey.  Even our good deeds, He views as filthy rags--the leftovers of what it talkes for us to reproduce ourselves.  The fact that we have any chance of working with Him at all is unbelievable. 

So what's it going to be?  Our kingdom or His?  We can be in His family and still build our own kingdom, but in the end, what will it prosper us?  Everything we've done will be destroyed on the altar and we will have nothing left.  I say "we" because it's an easy choice in general, but a hard choice on a moment by moment basis.  I have to fight to pick the right kingdom to build every moment of every day and choosing to build the eternal kingdom means laying aside my own building projects, including many of the projects that make me happy or comfortable.  I don't succeed at it every day.  I'm not sure I have ever succeeded at it for more than a few minutes, but just like praying continually, I'm not going to stop trying.  Or better yet, I am going to let Him have as much control as I can and rest in His ability to transform me into something usable because without His work, I have nothing to give.  With His power, there is no limit to what He can do.  

That's what I want...How about you?

Personal or Corporate Worship?? Yes.

The last section of Step 4 (Inventory) was about our church experience.  In many ways, I have very few issues ragarding the church.  I've been through several church splits and I'm not pain free, but for the most part, the church has been a place of ministry and encouragement.  As we discussed the topic, I realized that although I love my church, it really isn't a place I worship.  It's a place I serve, and I delight to see what God does as we work together.  I suppose, I worship as I rejoice to see what He does, but worship is rarely a part of my own experience there. 

Don't get me wrong, our church has an amazing worship team.  Not only are they unbelievably talented, they love the Lord and their worship is heartfelt and wonderful.  It's just that I have come to enjoy my own private worship time with the Lord so much.  That evening, when I wistfully pined to My Father, puzzled about "missing out" on the "experience" of corporate worship, He graced me with an amazing evening of passionate, graceful worship.  I felt a tinge of discomfort about being swept away in the emotion of the evening and feared the emptiness afterward, but there was none.  As a teenager, I often found that these passionate experiences would be followed by the day to day frustrations, and I felt unchanged.  I came to distrust these experiences for that reason, but my every day experience is very different than it was then.  The passion and power I experience (and need) continually has an intensity of its own that individual experiences cannot match. 

These day-to-day experiences with Christ, in the Word, in my own heart, in each and every moment do continually transform me.  I have serious trust issues.  Although my parents loved and cared for me, they were human and have failed me.  I've struggled to work in teams because I would often have to carry the majority of the burden because other team members couldn't keep up (or I couldn't let go).  John is human as well and although he is trustworthy in the practical affairs of life, he doesn't always know how to help me feel loved.  We have experienced great loss through the years and I have just as frequently let myself down.    Day by day, Jesus reveals Himself as trustworthy and little by little I learn to truly rely on Him.  As I let my guard down to Him, He comes through and His rescue is amazing and elicits my profoundest worship.  These are the worship experiences that transform me.  He has wooed me tenderly, gently in the way I my heart needs to let down its defenses.  I am smitten.  This type of worship has become richer through the years.  We have had breathless experiences together in the midst of thousands of worshipers.  We have had quiet moments in a dirty kitchen.  I'm loving every minute. 

Hearing God's Voice, 123...

^"2 But the one who enters through the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. ³ The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. ⁴ After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. ⁵ They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice."...¹⁴ “I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me"  John 10:2-5,14

Recognizing Jesus's voice is the birthright of every Christian, but it doesn't come automatically.  Just as a baby learns to recognize the voice of his mother, we have to actively work to learn the voice of our Heavenly Father.  One of the best ways to learn to hear God's voice is through the Bible.  A good friend of mine, uses a journaling process she calls 123 to teach people how to hear God's voice and it's probably the best process I've seen to date. 

1.  Write in the journal the date, time and scripture passage you're reading that day.
2.  Read the passage, paying attention for what God wants to say to you.  It is God's word.  It is living and active and He will use it to speak to you.  When you find what He wants to say, paraphrase it in your journal as if He is speaking it directly to you (because He is!!)
3.  Write a prayer of response back to Him.  You can tell him what you are going to change because of what He has spoken into your life, or describe to Him how it changes the way you see the world, or you can just write a prayer of gratitude. 

If you can, keep the journal close to you all day and meditate on it throughout the day.  Keeping your conversations with God in a journal is powerful and helps you see what kinds of themes God is using with you over time.  It's amazing to look back and see how God has changed you and what He has brought you through. 

If you want to meet my dear friend, Linda Meyers leads a Bible Study for women called LIFT (Ladies in Fellowship Together) every Wednesday night at 6:30 at First Baptist Church, Winter Garden. 

In the Garden

I come to the garden alone,
While the dew is still on the roses,
And the voice I hear falling on my ear,
The Son of God discloses . . .

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own,
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other, has ever, known!

He speaks and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that he gave to me,
Within my heart is ringing . . .

This song was written by a pharmacist and photographer, C. Austin Miles.  One day as he was developing some film, he had a vision of Mary Magdelene waiting in the garden, looking for the body of her Lord.  The thought was so touching to him that he quickly wrote out this beautiful hymn. 

Francis Frangipane noted that Jesus was eager for his disciples and friends to touch him when he met with them later.  It was only Mary Magdelene that he pulled away from because "He had not yet returned to His Father."  The point Francis made was that the pain and dispair of his dear friend was enough to interrupt his own trip back to commune with the Father.  He let all Heaven and His beloved Father God Himself wait so that he could comfort her.  If that doesn't touch your heart, then you need some serious soul searching.

We still have the same opportunity today.  We can come into the garden of fellowship with Him every morning, just like Mary Magdelene did--with the same passion, pain and urgency--and find Him waiting there, willing to place all of Heaven itself on hold to meet with us.  Even the most barren place can bloom in His presence, becoming more radiant than even the picture above.  He even promises this in His word to those He has grafted into Zion:

The Lord will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
Is. 51:3

Take some time with Him today, whether it's mid-day, evening or early tomorrow morning.  I promise on His authority that He will not fail to meet you there.  He said, "They will find Me if they seek Me with all their hearts," and He hasn't changed since He made that promise.  Just talk to Him as you would a healthy Father and dear friend.  He is willing to be both for you if you will let Him. 

Tomorrow, I'll give a short road map for spending each day with Him and learning to hear his voice. 

Will you Believe God or suffer disappointment?

Saw this on facebook earlier today.  What is even more amazing to me is that it doesn't need a disaster for this to be true.  Once you really grasp the depth of the sacrifice He has made for us, it seems too good to be true. 

Someone gave me a book a few years ago entitled, Those who trust in the Lord will not be disappointed.  The point of the book is not that we will avoid disappointments, but that, in light of the immeasurable love of God, we will choose not to be disappointed.  We can choose not to be disappointed because we know God's end will not be disappointing.  Therefore, if the circumstances haven't come around for God's Glory (and our ultimate good) then God isn't done yet. 

Too many times, I mope because it looks like the end, when the end has yet to be.  Like I wrote a few weeks ago, one of the scariest things about finishing things (good or bad) is that it feels like there's nothing next.  This is silly because I know my God and I know that He is not done yet--but I still do it.  It's good to have the break inbetween the major projects God uses to shape our lives, but rather than resting peacefully in those lulls, we wonder what's coming next.  I'm still struggling with being at peace, no matter what the circumstances are--and I've been working on it for decades.  I'll admit I'm better at it than I have been, but I have a long way to go. 

Next time you are tempted to be disappointed, go back to God and ask for His perspective and look forward to a surprise.  Things may not be over yet.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

Collage by Altered Angel

A few days ago, I wrote about taking every thought captive.  David frequently fought depression and fear, yet his actions rarely showed his inner struggle.  Throughout the Psalms, he gives us great examples of how to take our thoughts captive.  One of the best examples is in Ps. 42 and 43.  The chorus of the song always comes back to:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. 

David recognizes that his emotional state is temporary so he disciplines his thoughts to return to the good times before God rather than staying in a place of agony.  Even when his thoughts return to his pain, he drags them back to memories of worship.  He meditates on the possibilities of worship in the future, turning that thought over in his mind again and again. 

During my own long seasons of depression, I remained in the Psalms for years.  There are 150 Psalms, which means you can read 5 a day every month or you can take 5 months to go through the book.  The 31st of each month I'd do a few stanzas from Ps 119--just because it is long.  The praise would lift my heart.  The cries of distress would echo my own aches.  Through it all, I would be continually reminded that God is good and recentering my thoughts on Him would yield fruit if I waited. 

It will yield fruit for you too...

Greed or Generosity?

Picture by J.P. Weesner

A friend of mine took this picture the other day and posted it saying, "Probably a lot of people who are confused as to why they are different directions."  He's probably right. Shopping can become an act of worship within our materialistic culture.  It becomes a greedy stuff-grab, particularly during the holidays or right before school starts.   

In reality, the Holy Land Experience is a Christian themed amusement park, complete with a replica of the Jewish Temple overlooking I-4.  The Mall at Mellenia is a very upscale mall, developed by friends of my parents at our church. 

Knowing that the mall was developed by a tremendously Godly family, one day as I was sitting in the mall, enjoying the ambiance, I wondered what it would look like to have a mall like theirs in heaven. 

Immediately the thought that the Father downloaded was that it would include everything you could ever imagine and more--and all of it would be free.  However, there was one delightful catch: You could only pick out items for someone else.  Everything about Heaven will be about giving.  Can you imagine such a delightful place?  It would be Christmas every day.  Anyone who has ever gone to a toy store to pick out a toy for their deeply loved child knows the excitement of finding something perfect for them and the anticipation of waiting to see their face when they open it. 

It reminds me of an old church illustration.  Two groups were invited to a banquet at the palace.  It was a great honor and they were all on their best manners.  When they arrived, each group found that their places were set with 4 foot long forks.  None of the guests could bear to give up their manners and eat the delicious feast with their fingers.  The first group sat at the table and cried because they couldn't eat a bite with such implements.  The food looked delicious and their hungry stomachs growled.  The second group hesitated for a minute and then joyfully set about enjoying the feast.  What was the difference?  The second group quickly figured out that they could easily feed each other across the table.  It was even fun aiming for their neighbor's mouth and there was great laughter all around.  The first group only thought about feeding themselves and went hungry.  It always works that way.  Proverbs 11:25 says,

"The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed."

It may take a tremendous amount of trust to believe that what you give away will come back, but it's worth it.  I wish the joy of great generousity on you and your family today!

Gratitude Check

Around our house we have two "checks."  The first one is an attitude check.  When someone is giving me a bad attitude, I say attitude check and the appropriate response is "Praise the Lord."  The second is a gratitude check.  It works best when we're overwhelmed.  I say gratitude check and a number.  The person then has to say that number of things for which they are grateful.  You can't say anything you've said before (unless you really mean it in a different way this time).  Usually by the time the attitude check or a Gratitude check is finished, perspective is regained and there is enough peace to move forward. 

Today is the first quiet day with no kids at home and no paid work to do.  I've been going over the program for PJ's therapy this year that the neurodevelopmentalist created.  If I were to do it all, the program would take 4 hours each day.  Too much.  I've pared it down and shifted some things throughout the day, but I'm still pretty overwhelmed.  It's a lot to do and every bit of it is important.  On top of 7th grade, it feels like a monumental undertaking.  My friend just called and she may get evicted this week while she's halfway across the country and can't do anything about it.  Double overwhelm. 

There are so many verses that run through my head:

• "My God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in Glory." 
• "I have been abased.  I have abounded.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "With God, nothing is impossible."
• "All things work together for the good of those who love Christ and are the called according to His purposes." 
• "Fear not, little ones. It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom."
• "All Your waves and breakers have washed over me."

Time for a Gratitude Check (7):

1. We know what's wrong with PJ and know what we can do about it.
2. Katie has good teachers and support staff and is doing as well as she can so she doesn't need a lot of attention right now.
3. Some of the work will overlap between the two kids--double benefit.
4. I'm not working full time in an office at the other side of town so I have the time to work with him.
5. I have time to organize a schedule and systems that will help keep us on track.
6. I am not alone--The Lord, My God, is my Father, my friend and my love.  He is with me and will help me do this.
7. I am trained as an engineer and know how to systematically break big jobs down into managable pieces.  I wasn't born that way, but I can do it because I have been trained to do it.

 Thank You, Father.  I trust You to help me do all I need to do.

Out of work, again?

I have to admit.  Trust doesn't come easy with Me.  The Lord works really hard to continue to win my trust--something He shouldn't have to do, but He condescends to my weakness. 

This week I turned in the final report draft to our review team.  As soon as I turned it in, John asked me if that means my job is over. The truth is that it probably does.  There will be a little more work but it will end soon. When I lost my job 17 months ago, I started a business and it's doing ok, but not great--we've done better than break even but it hasn't brought in anything close to the income I made before.  I got this job working for UF when I looked into do a PhD.  It's been a good research project and it's come out in a completely different way than it would have with a typical grad student straight out of school.  It's also been a small but steady income. 

Most of the time, I'm not all that concerned about that because I really do trust that the Lord will provide. When He asked me to go back to work, I went back on the condition that I would do what He sent me, but I wouldn't look for it.  That way things wouldn't get out of balance.  He's always sent me what I needed and we're doing ok. 

Just as a confirmation that He will provide, less than an hour after I sent the last chapter out, I received the contract I've been expecting for over a month.  Yaay!!  So what about the worry?  It's a continuing services contract--I need to have costly insurance for it and I have no idea if I'll get any work from it at all.  It's just a part of business and I knew I would need to do it at some point.  A contract is a contract--and a glimmer of hope for consistent work. 

Still, I'm human and My Father and Friend knows that at some point I could worry and I don't like to risk money.  Just so that I would really get that He has this all in His control, last night He set up another divine appointment:

As I went into the prayer room before the service, I felt a familiar divine stillness--He wasn't pressing me to pray about anything, just wait in His presence.  I could hear the worship time coming to an end but His presence wouldn't lift and allow me to go into join it.  After a little while, the same couple came in and joined me that had come a few weeks ago.  I prayed with them again and they chose to stay and just sit in the stillness with me.  I laid hands on his head to pray for him because he has frequent headaches.  Usually as God heals people when I lay hands on them I feel their pain and feel it release as He provides healing. It gives me a sense of compassion for them, shows me where to pray and sometimes even why they hurt.  This time, though I felt the Spirit's blessing on Him, I felt nothing else. 

We talked for awhile longer about the delight of seeing God work and at some point I mentioned that I happen to be a traffic engineer.  He mentioned his fears about a roadway that had been planned through a mobile home park he owns.  Before we parted, he asked for a business card.  There are many ways I could help him in the future, if he needs it.  Nothing is guaranteed, but I could easily recognize the nod from My Friend that He has my work life in His control.

Thanks!

I am an idoloter

Jimmy Needham

The other song we looked at in our Saturday night life group was Clear the Stage by Jimmy Needham (what a great name!).  It talks about the things we put on the stage of our lives--the things we worship.  These lines really hit me then--and break me now:


Anything I put before my God, is an idol
Anything I want, with all my heart, is an idol
Anything I can't stop thinking of, is an idol
Anything that I give all my love, is an idol


I want no idols in my life and I truly enjoy spending time alone with Him in quiet listening for His whisper.  I loved the song, but blew it off a little because Jesus really is my passion--or so I thought.


Yesterday, my computer died (or at least fainted).  


If you want to know what a person's idols are, just take them away and you'll see pretty quickly.  It's my work computer and I was just getting ready to write the last chapter of the research I've been working on for the last year.  It's also where my journal is along with all my pictures.  It's where I come to God in the morning to soak in His word, receive encouragement from other Christians, and write out of what He has poured into my heart.  It's also where I play stupid, mind-numbing, time-consuming games, check out what's going on with people I barely remember from High School, and get crazy ideas from Pintrest.  


It's in the shop.  It's not likely to be genuinely terminal.  I'll probably get it back today.  Still, an engineer without a computer is naked (and yes, I had a spare--it's not the same).  


I John 1:9 says:  " If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  I am agreeing with God that this is an idol.  I am throwing myself on Him again, begging for forgiveness from my betrayal.  I desperately need His purification and He promises to give it.  That's what Jesus died for.  That's what grace is all about.


Thank You, Father and Friend...

A living and active Word

I've been devouring scripture since I was a toddler.  My mom first started reading the Bible through with us when I was 2 and all that was available was King James (and not the New King James).  I have a strong auditory memory, so I've retained much of it, in the language it was first delivered to me.  I haven't intentionally memorized it, but I know it, nearly word for word.  It remains precious to me and I continue to devour it daily--to the best of my ability.   I have found it to be living and active--sharper than any two edged sword. 

Still, sometimes a new translation or a new season of life comes along and those old familiar passages take on a new vibrance--a new richness--and my heart is passionately enflamed again.  It's like walking the same familiar paths and finding them enrobed in a sunrise at spring when all is ablaze and blooming.  It was beautiful before but it becomes entrancing and makes me pause in wonder. 

For instance, Romans 5 is a familiar passage that I've heard all of my life (mostly in New International Version): 

Bok Tower Gardens

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

This is great stuff--talking about the way that God uses suffering to mold us into the character of Christ.  Here's Eugene Peterson's take on the beginning of Romans 5 in The Message:

"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.  There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"  Romans 5:1-5

See how what was familiar stands out with a new vibrance?  Just the phrase, "passionate patience" will hang with me the rest of the day, inviting me to chew on it in great delight.  Just like the two pictures above, the same place moves from simply beautiful to extravagantly amazing. 

If your time with the Lord has become stilted or dull, try checking out a new version of the same passages.  Compare them side by side.  Let your mind and heart be stirred to see the nuances scholars have observed in the original text.  Be careful to listen as the Holy Spirit points out new words or phrases from the "same old, same old" passages.  Write down what He points out so you can meditate on it throughout the day and come back to it weeks later.  Let it stir you to reconsider what the Word means in your life.  

You may never be the same.

Overflow

My education pastor finds the coolest stuff...Last night we looked at how music can be a part of our quiet time.  He points out that lyrics are basically poems that contain deep truth in compact packages.  This one really hit me (I even bought it for myself):

She could have been spying on my own journals:

Fill my weak with strength
Fill my full with more
Fill my soul with hope
And fill my faith with Yours
I'm desperate for You...

 

 

Consume every part of me
For I'm missing nothing
The more I seek You I find that You are here

I see my weakness.  I see my fullness.  Together, they amount to nothing.  If I don't have Him, filling me to overflowing I am nothing.  I have feared every day that He would leave me to my own, substantial, devices--but it wouldn't be even close to enough.  Once you have tasted Him, nothing comes close. 

 

 

Over the last few months, the Lord has been gently reminding me that He is and has been here the whole time.  As desperate as I am for his resources, I have never been without them--I only needed to look up.  I am still frantic at times.  I am terrified I will forget and rely on my own resources.  He reminds me both in my journal time with Him and by the gentle orchestrations within my own life that He is always here.  He is always laying out good work for me to do and He is always providing the resources I need to do it.  I am beginning to exhale.  I am beginning to trust. 

It's about time.  

Awe and silence

"¹⁴ The Spirit lifted me up and took me away. I went in bitterness and turmoil, but the Lord’s hold on me was strong. ¹⁵ Then I came to the colony of Judean exiles in Tel-abib, beside the Kebar River. I was overwhelmed and sat among them for seven days."  Ezekiel 3:14-15

This is the state of mind Ezekiel was in after his first encounter with the Lord in Heaven.  He was on sensory overload and overwhelmed with the messages that God had given him.  I can't say that I've seen anything like what he saw, but it's been an amazing week seeing God work and I can relate.  My mind is reeling in amazement and wonder.  My mouth would be agape if I could open it at all. 

I'm beginning to understand awe and I have yet to even see Him in person.  What have I seen?  I've seen:

• Prayers answered in moments
• Comfort sent to a wounded warrior in the battle to restore addicts
• Comforters of the grieving, comforted
• Forgiveness and restoration anticipated before the offense
• A house of prayer ministering on the doorstep of homeless hotels
• dozens of kids in a missions camp come to know Jesus for themselves
• personalized comfort in the night and encouragement from friends
• A belived Christian Saint rejoicing in the weakness that God is granting him as a tool to take his mission work to another level

"But afterward the people will return and devote themselves to the Lord their God and to David’s descendant, their king. In the last days, they will tremble in awe of the Lord and of his goodness."  Hosea 3:5

Dreamscaping 13...What if I just give up?

I had a dream this afternoon that was frightening and heartbreaking. 

I was the student director from the High School for the lower grades choirs.  They were wiggly, impatient and not following direction.  I looked around thinking isn't there anyone else who can do this?  There seemed to be plenty of people in my own choir and in the choir I was leading (50+ kids each).  The adult directors told me as I tried to quit that there weren't that many coming up behind me that had the musical training to lead.  We also came to see that if I quit, then the praise coming from that group would cease which would disrupt the uninterrupted praise before the Father--with dire consequences.  For if the praise ceased, the oil of the Holy Spirit would cease to flow through us and His work would stop here.  I wept to know that there were so few to carry the load, not just because of my own exhaustion but because it was good work that should be shared. 

As I woke, I quickly realized that the dream had little to do about music, per se.  Our church's music ministry is marvelous and praises pretty regularly.  I believe it has to do with doing what we're called to do.  The place God has for each of us is unique and draws God's attention in a unique way.  If I don't do it, it may not get done because God may not have a backup plan for what He called me to do.  Remember, it was when Moses said, "Get someone else" that God really began to get irritated with him.  The verse that comes to mind is this one: 

“I looked for someone who might rebuild the wall of righteousness that guards the land. I searched for someone to stand in the gap in the wall so I wouldn’t have to destroy the land, but I found no one.  So now I will pour out my fury on them, consuming them with the fire of my anger. I will heap on their heads the full penalty for all their sins. I, the Sovereign Lord, have spoken!”  Ezekiel 22:30-31

What a heartbreak!!  All God was looking for was someone to intercede alongside Him (stand in the gap), through prayer rebuilding the wall of righteousness so that He could continue to protect the land.  If there was no one to pray for righteousness to be restored, there was no longer any way for that righteousness to be rebuilt and no hope for which the Lord could delay His wrath. 

Keep us vigilant to the call You have laid on us, My Father and Friend...

Peaceful chaos...

I love my parent's place.  It's a total mess and I probably could connect clutter with peace if I let myself.  Mom and my sister are occupied with VBS so my dad and I are hanging out at the house during the day working and occasionally talking.  It's a contented quiet.  

Kate snuggles with Grandpa

I am more grateful than ever that my parents raised us with a constant undercurrent of the Word in the presence of the Lord.  I wandered into the laundry room this morning and my mom had the phone app, Bible.is playing Genesis.  My dad picked up the iPad last night and he starts playing with a new app I downloaded, Fighter Verses, finding all the cool parts of it before I've even had a chance to look at it.  When I felt stressed last night, my mom started singing a song she had written last year about being at peace.  It's not fake or put on; it's a normal part of our lives.  Somtimes, after being away, it feels "goody-goody" but it's just the way they live--the way I live. 

Paul said in Ephesians 5:

"¹⁷ Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. ¹⁸ Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, ¹⁹ singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. ²⁰ And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." 

We've had plenty of people on my mom's side that have had issues with alcoholism or drug addiction.  It's never appealed to any of us.  We still struggle with normal addictions like food and "stuff", but even those are gradually fading, generation by generation.  When He gets that big a part of your life, He makes all other idols look like chopped liver.  It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.