He Comforts Us

 As a new parent, I was so attuned to my son, PJ.  There were many times I needed PJ to do things he didn't want to do and keep his cool at the same time.  We watched each other continually.  As he watched me stay calm, I could see it was easier for him to react calmly to his circumstances.  For example, when he was 5 years old, we had a string of 4 hurricanes that ran through our area, each within weeks of each other.  We had large trees in our back yard and these were serious storms, some of which lasted for days.  Our entire region was covered with blue tarps for the next 6 months or more.  We were in a 2 story house and for everyone's safety, we all slept downstairs.  We even pulled our queen size mattress down from our bedroom and slept in one of the hallways.  I watched the chandelier in our front entryway for hours as it swayed in the high winds.  To PJ, it was a gigantic family sleepover, complete with grandparents.  For months afterward, he would ask us if we could have another hurricane.  As he watched us closely, he could see that we weren't really worried and he didn't need to be either. 

 

I also watched him.  I knew where his emotional limits were and would adjust my attitude and responses to his.  I could see when he was getting truly upset and provide extra comfort to help him get through it.  Of course it was easier with only one.  (I didn't do so well with more than one...but I'm getting better). 

 

Our heavenly Father is such a great parent in that way too.  He watches us as if He has no one else to watch and He is careful to provide comfort to us when we're about to lose it.  But even more, when we watch Him as closely as our own children watch us, we quickly come to see that he is rarely upset and never out of control.  That engenders trust and we begin to react as He does.  I think I remember a verse about that...

 

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."  Ephesians 5:1-2

 

In the Garden, before the crucifixion, Jesus took time to seek out His Father's face and the Father sent the comfort he needed to make it through.  Even though Jesus knew what was going to be involved in giving up his life for us, he calmly went to the cross, "as a sheep to the shearers is silent."  Without seeking out God's face, that would be impossible for anyone.  There are parts of my days that would be impossible without going to God's face too.  I bet there are probably a few parts of your days that are that way as well...

 

Guard your heart

Over the years I've struggled with wide ranging emotions--exuberant, passionate highs and devastating, aching lows--and very little inbetween. 

I've researched conditions like bipolar and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) to try to understand why my heart is so volitile.  I'm not bipolar, but I share some of their traits.  I do struggle with SAD and at times it has been debilitating.  To some degree, I just understand that in February I have a delightful burst of energy in which I am enthusiastic, organized and creative.  Around August, I begin to slow and become critical so it's a good time for me to edit the work done in the fury of February.  By December I have to be cautious about my moods so I gently revel in the holiday festivities as a strategy to combat the peaking darkness in my mind.  I also take medication and nurture my body gently--some of the depression is a genetic issue that just won't go away without the support of some very gifted physicians.  In military terms, these are the air war strategies.

The ground war strategies include good old fashioned thought and attitude management.  II Corinthians 10:5 encompasses the heart of this strategy: 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

That means I have a choice.  I can choose:

                 to be full of faith or full of doubt
                 to remain at rest or become frantic with fear
                 to notice God's peace or be overwhelmed by chaos
                 to be focused on the Father or focused on self

This is what it means to guard your heart.  It means guarding it from the attacks of the enemy, the criticism of well-meaning friends and your own insecurities. 

Still, there are times that my best efforts are insufficient to the task.  My heart often feels like the sandbox heart in the picture above, or worse it feels like the sand has been fused into solid, glistening glass--hard and brittle, with all the imperfections frozen forever into the matrix.  In those moments, I lean on this promise from Ezekiel 36:26:

 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

When I can't change my own heart, He promises that He can and does.  He tenderly loves me showering me with the compassion I don't even have for myself.

God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.  Romans 2:4

He loves me enough not to leave me in the abyss I have placed myself, but I still have to get my backside up, take His hand and walk out with Him.  It's hard work sometimes, but it works and I am grateful.

Thank You, Father!

Out of work, again?

I have to admit.  Trust doesn't come easy with Me.  The Lord works really hard to continue to win my trust--something He shouldn't have to do, but He condescends to my weakness. 

This week I turned in the final report draft to our review team.  As soon as I turned it in, John asked me if that means my job is over. The truth is that it probably does.  There will be a little more work but it will end soon. When I lost my job 17 months ago, I started a business and it's doing ok, but not great--we've done better than break even but it hasn't brought in anything close to the income I made before.  I got this job working for UF when I looked into do a PhD.  It's been a good research project and it's come out in a completely different way than it would have with a typical grad student straight out of school.  It's also been a small but steady income. 

Most of the time, I'm not all that concerned about that because I really do trust that the Lord will provide. When He asked me to go back to work, I went back on the condition that I would do what He sent me, but I wouldn't look for it.  That way things wouldn't get out of balance.  He's always sent me what I needed and we're doing ok. 

Just as a confirmation that He will provide, less than an hour after I sent the last chapter out, I received the contract I've been expecting for over a month.  Yaay!!  So what about the worry?  It's a continuing services contract--I need to have costly insurance for it and I have no idea if I'll get any work from it at all.  It's just a part of business and I knew I would need to do it at some point.  A contract is a contract--and a glimmer of hope for consistent work. 

Still, I'm human and My Father and Friend knows that at some point I could worry and I don't like to risk money.  Just so that I would really get that He has this all in His control, last night He set up another divine appointment:

As I went into the prayer room before the service, I felt a familiar divine stillness--He wasn't pressing me to pray about anything, just wait in His presence.  I could hear the worship time coming to an end but His presence wouldn't lift and allow me to go into join it.  After a little while, the same couple came in and joined me that had come a few weeks ago.  I prayed with them again and they chose to stay and just sit in the stillness with me.  I laid hands on his head to pray for him because he has frequent headaches.  Usually as God heals people when I lay hands on them I feel their pain and feel it release as He provides healing. It gives me a sense of compassion for them, shows me where to pray and sometimes even why they hurt.  This time, though I felt the Spirit's blessing on Him, I felt nothing else. 

We talked for awhile longer about the delight of seeing God work and at some point I mentioned that I happen to be a traffic engineer.  He mentioned his fears about a roadway that had been planned through a mobile home park he owns.  Before we parted, he asked for a business card.  There are many ways I could help him in the future, if he needs it.  Nothing is guaranteed, but I could easily recognize the nod from My Friend that He has my work life in His control.

Thanks!

The midnight call

For many years now I've given God the opportunity to wake me at night just to talk.  We have a signal system so that I can recognize the difference between my body and His call but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Last night He called again and His encouragement was sweet and thorough.  I needed it. 

Many might say that it is a sacrifice to give Him that time.  I've heard others who have chosen to ask God to get them up when their bodies are adequately rested so they can give Him the remaining time.  For me, I need to be still to hear the subtle things He desires to tell me.  He does occasionally shout over my day but I don't want to wait until He has to shout.  Those times are sweet and quiet, uninterrupted by the clutter and chaos of the day. 

I've heard people say that even though they've been a Christian for years, they still feel something is missing.  It's in those midnight rendezvous that the aching places in my soul are filled.  It's in those times that He shows me the places I've kept Him out and loves those places open.  Jesus made a habit of praying at night, sometimes all night.  Anyone who will try it out will find out why He did. 

The spiritual disciplines aren't individually that hard--they're just a long obedience in the same direction.  After getting into the habit, taking time with Him every morning and evening aren't a chore--they are a delight.  There are times that I'm struggling to obey or fighting His direction and it's in those times that it's a bit harder.  I can't tell you how many times I've awoken in the morning to realize I missed His call.  In those times I weep for the opportunity missed and He comforts me. 

I want to encourage you to test Him--there is nothing you can give Him that He won't return to you more full and powerful. 

Dreamscaping 14--Poured out...

This weekend's sermon was on the story of how Jesus recognized the widow who gave two coins.  The point of the sermon was that it's not how much you give--it's about what's left over.  In this series on dreamscaping, I've talked a lot about what God does, but He chooses to do it through us.  At the end of Paul's life, he said: 

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." II Tim 4:6. 

A drink offering was completely drained out over the offering on the alter until it was drained dry.  The pastor spoke about an experienced marathoner who told his own sons that if they finish the race with anything left over, they haven't run their best race.  I hear in Paul's voice the satisfaction that he left nothing on the table; the joy of finishing well.  This week I've been wrapping up a work project and I've been asking my prayer partners to pray that I finish well.  I'm still asking that, but I was in for a surprise. 

See, I'm struggling to declutter and get free of the stuff around my life.  I feel like I don't even know where to begin sometimes and I feel like what I give is so small.  When the pastor talks about what's left, what I see is a lot left around me.

As I came out of the prayer room last night, I watched as an older woman hugged and held a younger woman as they both cried.  When the younger woman left, the older one was still there crying.  I reached out and held her and talked with her for a few minutes, encouraging her to release her niece to Jesus as she grieves.  It's a lesson I learned earlier last week.  Then as I walked down the hallway to join my husband in the service, another woman I barely know was walking beside me and asked if she could sit with me, but it was clear that she needed more than that.  We sat in the back and she cried for the rest of the service as I comforted her and prayed with her.  Then, in the middle of the night, the Lord woke me and after a sweet time together, another, very troubled friend called (at 3:00 am!!) crying because her food stamps hadn't come in, even though I had tried to help her get them the information they needed to continue them.  Each time, I had the priviledge of pointing them back to the Father's resources, His comfort, His care for them.  (We did eventually have to set some boundaries on that one...but that's another story). 

What I realized this morning as I finally listened to the sermon for myself was that when I looked at what I had to give of my stuff, the Lord looked at what I had to give of my time and care.  I don't know that I'll always end up being the one people cry with, but I don't mind for now.  It's ok.  I know that I left nothing He asked for on the table.  I didn't even get to see most of the sermon during that time--my time was all used up and I wouldn't have it any other way.  It was my joy to direct them to Him, whether they were able to do that right then or not.  Years ago, I gave it all to Him.  It's still His--the stuff and the non-stuff. 

Don't be afraid to give it all.  What He wants is your heart.  Leave none of it on the table and He'll have all He needs of everything you have.  Of course, an empty vessel begs refilling, and He is delighted to do it--the pipe can't help getting wet. 

Dreamscaping 13...What if I just give up?

I had a dream this afternoon that was frightening and heartbreaking. 

I was the student director from the High School for the lower grades choirs.  They were wiggly, impatient and not following direction.  I looked around thinking isn't there anyone else who can do this?  There seemed to be plenty of people in my own choir and in the choir I was leading (50+ kids each).  The adult directors told me as I tried to quit that there weren't that many coming up behind me that had the musical training to lead.  We also came to see that if I quit, then the praise coming from that group would cease which would disrupt the uninterrupted praise before the Father--with dire consequences.  For if the praise ceased, the oil of the Holy Spirit would cease to flow through us and His work would stop here.  I wept to know that there were so few to carry the load, not just because of my own exhaustion but because it was good work that should be shared. 

As I woke, I quickly realized that the dream had little to do about music, per se.  Our church's music ministry is marvelous and praises pretty regularly.  I believe it has to do with doing what we're called to do.  The place God has for each of us is unique and draws God's attention in a unique way.  If I don't do it, it may not get done because God may not have a backup plan for what He called me to do.  Remember, it was when Moses said, "Get someone else" that God really began to get irritated with him.  The verse that comes to mind is this one: 

“I looked for someone who might rebuild the wall of righteousness that guards the land. I searched for someone to stand in the gap in the wall so I wouldn’t have to destroy the land, but I found no one.  So now I will pour out my fury on them, consuming them with the fire of my anger. I will heap on their heads the full penalty for all their sins. I, the Sovereign Lord, have spoken!”  Ezekiel 22:30-31

What a heartbreak!!  All God was looking for was someone to intercede alongside Him (stand in the gap), through prayer rebuilding the wall of righteousness so that He could continue to protect the land.  If there was no one to pray for righteousness to be restored, there was no longer any way for that righteousness to be rebuilt and no hope for which the Lord could delay His wrath. 

Keep us vigilant to the call You have laid on us, My Father and Friend...

Crisis and failure...

 
I have a dear friend who went through a serious crisis again this week.  She's experienced significant pain throughout her life, both physical and emotional, and it often erupts in gut-wrenching crisis without warning.  Early in our relationship I committed that I would hang in with her, knowing that it wouldn't be easy.  But, as a part of that commitment, I promised her that I would continually redirect her to Jesus as the source for her hope.  I know I have nothing to offer her that will fix her life.  It took her 49 years to get to this place.  Only God can get her out of it. 

This week, I failed her.  The crisis came in hot and fast.  It was life and death.  It was weeping and gnashing of teeth.  I managed the circumstances.  I worked the details.  There were a lot of details that needed addressing.  I thought I encouraged her family to support her, but found out later they only saw it as being pushy.  Worst of all, the closest I could do to draw her back to Christ was to ask her again if God is good (as she knows He is), and encourage her to choose loyalty to Him over trying to please her unpleasble dying father. 

Even more, in failing her, I failed myself.  Every time I've been able to bring her back to Jesus, it has also allowed me to release her back to His care for my own sake.  I have repented and released her again, but it makes my heart ache knowing that I only committed to do one thing and didn't do it well.  I spent time helping her that I needed to spend on my own home and family. 

I will learn better.  I will do better.  I will love my Lord and friend better. 

^"12 Not that I have already obtained all this or have already reached my goal, but I press on in order to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider to have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching out to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."--Phil 3:12-14

Dreamscaping 8...You have a purpose

Today Katie and I got to go to see Hugo at the Milk Money Movies at the Garden Theater in our little town.  It was an amazing movie about life purpose.  The quote that caught my heart was near the end.  Hugo takes his friend Isabel to the top of the clock tower to show her the Paris skyline at night:

Isabelle: I wonder what my purpose is.

Hugo Caberet:   Right after my father died, I would come up here a lot. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine.  Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason.  And that means you have to be here for some reason too....Maybe that's why a broken machine always makes me a little sad, because it isn't able to do what it was meant to do... Maybe it's the same with people. If you lose your purpose... it's like you're broken.

They go on to talk about her Godfather and how he seems "broken" in that way and how much they would love to "fix" him. 

Dreamscaping is not just about fulfilling your own dreams, it's also about helping others remember their dreams--to find out or remember what part of creation they were made to fulfil and help them do it.  It reminds me of a description Paul often used for the church:

^"4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."--Romans 12:4-5

Everyone needs to be needed.  Everyone needs to receive too.  How can you help others find their place this week?

Dreamscaping 5...A dream becomes a plan

Nehemiah gives a great example of a dream becoming reality.  Here are some of the steps he experienced: 

Compassion: "They said to me, “Things are not going well for those who returned to the province of Judah. They are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem has been torn down, and the gates have been destroyed by fire.”  When I heard this, I sat down and wept. In fact, for days I mourned, fasted, and prayed to the God of heaven. "  Neh 1:3-4

A need shared:  So the king asked me, “Why are you looking so sad? You don’t look sick to me. You must be deeply troubled.”  Then I was terrified, ³ but I replied, “Long live the king! How can I not be sad? For the city where my ancestors are buried is in ruins, and the gates have been destroyed by fire.”  ⁴ The king asked, “Well, how can I help you?” 

A Joint request:  With a prayer to the God of heaven, ⁵ I replied, “If it please the king, and if you are pleased with me, your servant, send me to Judah to rebuild the city where my ancestors are buried.” Neh 2:2-4

Team reconnaissance:  I slipped out during the night, taking only a few others with me. I had not told anyone about the plans God had put in my heart for Jerusalem. We took no pack animals with us except the donkey I was riding.--Neh 2:12

There's much more to seeing a plan come to fruition, but I love the way that God directs all that He leads us into...

Daddy, sandcastles and waves

“Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.” Psalm 103:13 NASB

Today my head hurts.  We've been at a workshop in Daytona for the last few days and I feel like I've been hit by a truck.  It was a good opportunity and I'm glad I went, but I didn't pace myself as well as I should have and now I'm struggling. 

The best part of the trip this week was that the kids got to spend time with their dad on the beach while I was in sessions. John and Katie love to build sand castles together. They aren't perfect but her dad loves them because he loves her and they get better every year. He watches her carefully keeping her from going out too far in the water or getting dehydrated. Neither one of them get sunburns, but he makes sure she has sunscreen anyway. He really is just about the best dad ever.

Last night, I spent several hours encouraging a friend in her own choice to quit smoking.  She was mad for the reminder at first but as we talked about how much God loves her and wants her free, she got victory over it for the night.  She was back at it again this morning.  I know this is a one day at a time thing for her so I'm not surprised.  I have plenty of those issues myself.  I'm so grateful that my Heavenly Father has so much compassion on both of us, even when we're not managing very well.  For her, it means the Father has left her with no money to buy smokes for the rest of the month.  For me, it's a miserable tummy ache when I eat too much.  It's a good compassion even when it leaves us uncomfortable.  He provides for our real needs and sits down with us to rebuild when our courage and stamina have been knocked down again by the waves of life--like so much sand.  There's no condemnation for our failure, we just start again.  We'll eventually make something more permanent but for now, just the time spent together rebuilding is worth it.