Suffering myth 1...

This morning one of our pastors, Jimmy Knott, preached on myths of trials.  He included one of my favorite pet-peeves.  Well meaning people will say silly things like, "God will never give you more than you can handle." 

I am here to tell you right now that this old saying is patently untrue.  First of all, life happens and we are not always up to it.  For a Christian, circumstances must first go through the fingers of our Heavenly Father, but He lets a lot through.  My dear friend, Steve Brown, has said in the past, "It may seem cold-hearted, but I believe that every time a pagan gets cancer, a Christian gets cancer so the world can see the difference."  Years ago, I made the choice that building the Kingdom of Heaven was worthy of my life and the lives of everyone I know and love.  Don't get me wrong, it's hard when your kid has a debilitating disorder or you have to face hardships, but if it brings Glory to God, that's what we're here for.  We don't get out of this alive anyway. 

God WILL intentionally give His adopted children far more than they can handle.  He expects us to do what He does and that is a lot more than we can do.  The Truth is that He will not give us more than HE can handle.  Part of why we're still here is to learn how to trust Him, rely on Him and work beside Him doing His work.  I Peter 1:7 tells is that the testing of our faith is more precious than purified gold and will bring the Father praise and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.  I want Him to be proud of me more than anything.  He's not going to be proud of me doing what I can take credit for.  He's going to be proud of things He does through me--only what He does lasts anyway. 

I can say for sure that the parents I've met with disabled or injured kids are really amazing folks.  I can also tell you pretty confidently that they didn't start out that way.  I wasn't called to be the mom of a child with Down syndrome or ADHD.  I was called to be Katie's mom and PJ's mom.  They have those disorders, so we address those issues one day at a time with God's direction, healing and planning.  He builds us up to the tasks before us as we rely on Him.  As I pray, the Lord sends strength, stamina and solutions.   I didn't get those things before I had the need.  I got them when I needed them.  I can share the solutions He has provided to spread God's Glory and so others will have what they need when they need it.  In the end, the best things I've gotten from all of this was the chance to know Him better.  That alone has been worth it. 

This decade's prayer

Letting go into a leap of faith...

Over the last decade, I've had the same prayer:

"Lord, I know I'm capable of a lot, but it is nothing in comparison to what You can do.  What I can do will never be enough.  I need You to do what You can do." 

I was born with great abilities.  My biggest struggle growing up has been figuring out the difference between what I could do and what I should do.  I have a better idea at 42 of what God has called me to, but mostly I've given up looking for a calling.  I do what the Lord says to do (as well as I can).  I trust Him and He leads me.  He sends me work.  He sends me people to pray for and tells me what to pray.  He hears me when I call, calms my fears and quiets me with His love.  He is amazing and I look forward to an eternity of exploring the depths of His presence. 

In the meantime, in answer to my prayer, He has placed me more than once in the position where I couldn't do anything.  He has lead me directly into situations that were beyond my capability to complete and left me hanging, waiting for Him to do what only He could do.  It hasn't stopped being frustrating.  It also hasn't stopped being amazing. 

For instance, my body doesn't do what it used to.  My kids take more attention.  So, I lost my job--the job He provided.  He pushed me almost immediately into creating a company.  It was almost 6 months before I had any work for my company, but in the meantime He provided good research work through UF and increased my husband's income by about 25%.  (He's having to learn to trust too).  I keep having to do things I don't think I can do and He keeps making up the difference. 

I don't trust in my own abilities to do anything of any consequence any more.  Only the work He does lasts--or even works for that matter.  Obedience isn't as much of a chore, it is the key to a spectactular adventure.  I can't wait each day to see what He's going to do next.  As with any other adventure, it's not always safe, but He's good and trustworthy. 

I don't know what's next, but I know Him and that's enough...

Defending God

Ok, I've stayed out of the political fray for a long time.  I'm still not jumping in very far, but I do have an observation...

It is ironic to me to see how vigorously the Muslims defend their god. In the last two weeks there have been riots and calls for people's heads regarding a film that attacks Mohammed and Islam.

Our God brooks no defense for He needs none. All insults will irrevocably be erased and not by us, but the ultimate revelation of Who He Was, Is and always Will Be. Any defense we could attempt would be laughable in the light of who He is--like little Lucy holding up a sword at an army. They may laugh at Lucy, but the Lion behind her is no laughing matter.

In the same way, He teaches us not to defend ourselves: 

³⁸ “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ ³⁹ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. ⁴⁰ If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. ⁴¹ Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. ⁴² Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  --Matthew 5:38-43

¹⁹ Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.--Romans 12:19

These are hard things to receive as long as I am building my own kingdom or trying to provide for my own needs.  When I'm focused on building His Kingdom and functioning as His ambassador and a dearly loved child of the King of Kings, I remember I have access to unlimited strength and resources, which positions me for generosity and patience.  When I understand at my very core that all injustices will be corrected by someone who has infinite power and ability to judge rightly, I lose the need to try to correct wrongs.  I also remember all too clearly the things He has forgiven in my life and realize I have no room to begrudge that forgiveness and gentle correction to anyone else.  I've also personally seen Him defend me when I deserved it or when His kingdom needed it--and who can refute it when God Himself defends you? 

We can walk stately, with elegance and authority.  We have resources we never imagined.  That power behind us gives us the power to do good and relax. 

 

Reminders

Years ago, I had the chance to go on a summer internship to Maine to do research.  We had only been married a few years and the thought of spending the summer over a thousand miles away from my home and husband was pretty daunting.  During that time, the Lord gave me a scripture to encourage Me as I went.  Every time I felt anxious, He would remind me of Phillipians 4:6-7: 

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Truly, His peace did guard my heart and mind that summer.  I arrived in Maine, teary eyed and a bit frightened, but to a world overwhelmed with spring blossoms.  Within a few hours the Lord had provided me with a church, a home and a family that I still treasure today (and since I had to bike 9 miles each day, by the end of the summer I was stunningly gorgeous.)

This morning, the Lord provided me with a new trigger for this season.  I frequently feel alone right now for many reasons.  I've also been trying for several years to walk continually in His manifest presence, not allowing His worship to cease in my heart--in essence, to "Pray continually." He reminded me of how powerfully He cared for my every need while I was in Maine because I was able to take every anxiety back to Him in complete trust that He would meet that need. 

In the same way, as I feel alone, He reminded me to use that feeling as a trigger to seek out His presence again.  I need those kinds of triggers.  His presence is the perfect comfort for my isolation.  In His presence, there is the fullness of joy.  I am at peace.  I can act rather than react.  It is the ultimate stability. 

Thanks, Father, Friend and my greatest Love...

Perspective, II

Yesterday, I talked about eternal things, but there is one other thing that is eternal: what we do with God. The things we do for God won't last, but the things He provides for us to do will have eternal fruit. Check it out in I Corinthians 3:

"¹¹For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have—Jesus Christ.
¹² Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. ¹³ But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. ¹⁴ If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. ¹⁵ But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames. ¹⁶ Don’t you realize that all of you together are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God lives in^[d] you?"

If we build our own kingdoms, using the materials at hand, we can build something that that would be adequate to house ourselves, but inadequate to house God.  When placed on the altar, what we have built for ourselves will go up in smoke, obliterated by the sheer majesty of God.  A house built of gold, silver or precious stones is not what a man needs or wants, but anything less is unfit for God.  We also don't have access to those kinds of materials.  If we are to build such a mansion, we must get the materials for it from God or it will not be built.  We need to get the plans from God, because we don't know how to build with such materials.  We don't know how to do anything in the way He does it.  We can only follow and obey.  Even our good deeds, He views as filthy rags--the leftovers of what it talkes for us to reproduce ourselves.  The fact that we have any chance of working with Him at all is unbelievable. 

So what's it going to be?  Our kingdom or His?  We can be in His family and still build our own kingdom, but in the end, what will it prosper us?  Everything we've done will be destroyed on the altar and we will have nothing left.  I say "we" because it's an easy choice in general, but a hard choice on a moment by moment basis.  I have to fight to pick the right kingdom to build every moment of every day and choosing to build the eternal kingdom means laying aside my own building projects, including many of the projects that make me happy or comfortable.  I don't succeed at it every day.  I'm not sure I have ever succeeded at it for more than a few minutes, but just like praying continually, I'm not going to stop trying.  Or better yet, I am going to let Him have as much control as I can and rest in His ability to transform me into something usable because without His work, I have nothing to give.  With His power, there is no limit to what He can do.  

That's what I want...How about you?

He Comforts Us

 As a new parent, I was so attuned to my son, PJ.  There were many times I needed PJ to do things he didn't want to do and keep his cool at the same time.  We watched each other continually.  As he watched me stay calm, I could see it was easier for him to react calmly to his circumstances.  For example, when he was 5 years old, we had a string of 4 hurricanes that ran through our area, each within weeks of each other.  We had large trees in our back yard and these were serious storms, some of which lasted for days.  Our entire region was covered with blue tarps for the next 6 months or more.  We were in a 2 story house and for everyone's safety, we all slept downstairs.  We even pulled our queen size mattress down from our bedroom and slept in one of the hallways.  I watched the chandelier in our front entryway for hours as it swayed in the high winds.  To PJ, it was a gigantic family sleepover, complete with grandparents.  For months afterward, he would ask us if we could have another hurricane.  As he watched us closely, he could see that we weren't really worried and he didn't need to be either. 

 

I also watched him.  I knew where his emotional limits were and would adjust my attitude and responses to his.  I could see when he was getting truly upset and provide extra comfort to help him get through it.  Of course it was easier with only one.  (I didn't do so well with more than one...but I'm getting better). 

 

Our heavenly Father is such a great parent in that way too.  He watches us as if He has no one else to watch and He is careful to provide comfort to us when we're about to lose it.  But even more, when we watch Him as closely as our own children watch us, we quickly come to see that he is rarely upset and never out of control.  That engenders trust and we begin to react as He does.  I think I remember a verse about that...

 

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."  Ephesians 5:1-2

 

In the Garden, before the crucifixion, Jesus took time to seek out His Father's face and the Father sent the comfort he needed to make it through.  Even though Jesus knew what was going to be involved in giving up his life for us, he calmly went to the cross, "as a sheep to the shearers is silent."  Without seeking out God's face, that would be impossible for anyone.  There are parts of my days that would be impossible without going to God's face too.  I bet there are probably a few parts of your days that are that way as well...

 

In sickness and in health

This week has been a sickie week here.  I hung out in bed all day Sunday and a good chunk of yesterday.  PJ was home yesterday too.  I can't tell if it's an achy head cold or a nasty bout of allergies, but we are definately dragging.  We even stayed home last night--and I hate missing CR and PJ hated missing Boy Scouts.  We're still pretty sluggish and I don't know what the day brings.  I have some quiet work to do today but we may not do much more. 

In a marriage, we vow to care for each other in sickness and in health (kudos to John on that one).  We've both been struggling with low grade, chronic illnesses for years.  Of course, Katie also has Down syndrome and PJ has major developmental gaps (and that's just what we know about). 

Our relationship with Jesus is also not conditioned on our health.  In all of our struggles, our heavenly Father has been faithful and gracious.  He has frequently shown us where healing can be found, but even more, He is faithful even when we are sick.  Although we've had setbacks, we also choose continually to be faithful, even when we can't be well.  We also choose to be faithful when we are well--and rejoice in the strength to care for others.

We live in a fallen world.  Sickness happens.  We also "wrestle not with flesh and blood, but with principalities and powers."  We are in a war and although the field of battle may be our bodies, the most critical enemy is spiritual, not physical.  With Job, we can say, "Though He slay me, still I'll trust in Him." 

The other day on the way to PJ's school, the Lord reminded me that the coldest, cruelest people I've ever known were those who have never been touched by illness, fear, lack or discomfort.  At that moment, I rejoiced with the Lord over the infirmities that PJ has had and has seen in all of us.  An understanding of weakness breeds compassion and dependence on God--something that PJ shows frequently.  Had all gone perfectly, PJ might not know what it is like to struggle to learn or sit still and could have mocked those who are not so fortunate with no regard for their Maker. 

I would take those struggles away from all of us in a heartbeat if I could.  My Lord is wiser. I cannot imagine the pain He endures as He watches us suffer, but for the joy set before Him, He again endures it for our good.  I have asked for healing.  He has provided wise and compassionate souls rather than sound and secure bodies, though when His work is complete, He heals our bodies so that we may serve Him.  Again, I stand in awe of the severe mercies of my dear Friend. 

Thank You, Father, Friend and Love...

Personal or Corporate Worship?? Yes.

The last section of Step 4 (Inventory) was about our church experience.  In many ways, I have very few issues ragarding the church.  I've been through several church splits and I'm not pain free, but for the most part, the church has been a place of ministry and encouragement.  As we discussed the topic, I realized that although I love my church, it really isn't a place I worship.  It's a place I serve, and I delight to see what God does as we work together.  I suppose, I worship as I rejoice to see what He does, but worship is rarely a part of my own experience there. 

Don't get me wrong, our church has an amazing worship team.  Not only are they unbelievably talented, they love the Lord and their worship is heartfelt and wonderful.  It's just that I have come to enjoy my own private worship time with the Lord so much.  That evening, when I wistfully pined to My Father, puzzled about "missing out" on the "experience" of corporate worship, He graced me with an amazing evening of passionate, graceful worship.  I felt a tinge of discomfort about being swept away in the emotion of the evening and feared the emptiness afterward, but there was none.  As a teenager, I often found that these passionate experiences would be followed by the day to day frustrations, and I felt unchanged.  I came to distrust these experiences for that reason, but my every day experience is very different than it was then.  The passion and power I experience (and need) continually has an intensity of its own that individual experiences cannot match. 

These day-to-day experiences with Christ, in the Word, in my own heart, in each and every moment do continually transform me.  I have serious trust issues.  Although my parents loved and cared for me, they were human and have failed me.  I've struggled to work in teams because I would often have to carry the majority of the burden because other team members couldn't keep up (or I couldn't let go).  John is human as well and although he is trustworthy in the practical affairs of life, he doesn't always know how to help me feel loved.  We have experienced great loss through the years and I have just as frequently let myself down.    Day by day, Jesus reveals Himself as trustworthy and little by little I learn to truly rely on Him.  As I let my guard down to Him, He comes through and His rescue is amazing and elicits my profoundest worship.  These are the worship experiences that transform me.  He has wooed me tenderly, gently in the way I my heart needs to let down its defenses.  I am smitten.  This type of worship has become richer through the years.  We have had breathless experiences together in the midst of thousands of worshipers.  We have had quiet moments in a dirty kitchen.  I'm loving every minute. 

Hearing God's Voice, 123...

^"2 But the one who enters through the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. ³ The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. ⁴ After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. ⁵ They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice."...¹⁴ “I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me"  John 10:2-5,14

Recognizing Jesus's voice is the birthright of every Christian, but it doesn't come automatically.  Just as a baby learns to recognize the voice of his mother, we have to actively work to learn the voice of our Heavenly Father.  One of the best ways to learn to hear God's voice is through the Bible.  A good friend of mine, uses a journaling process she calls 123 to teach people how to hear God's voice and it's probably the best process I've seen to date. 

1.  Write in the journal the date, time and scripture passage you're reading that day.
2.  Read the passage, paying attention for what God wants to say to you.  It is God's word.  It is living and active and He will use it to speak to you.  When you find what He wants to say, paraphrase it in your journal as if He is speaking it directly to you (because He is!!)
3.  Write a prayer of response back to Him.  You can tell him what you are going to change because of what He has spoken into your life, or describe to Him how it changes the way you see the world, or you can just write a prayer of gratitude. 

If you can, keep the journal close to you all day and meditate on it throughout the day.  Keeping your conversations with God in a journal is powerful and helps you see what kinds of themes God is using with you over time.  It's amazing to look back and see how God has changed you and what He has brought you through. 

If you want to meet my dear friend, Linda Meyers leads a Bible Study for women called LIFT (Ladies in Fellowship Together) every Wednesday night at 6:30 at First Baptist Church, Winter Garden. 

Wild Goose Chase

Ok, tonight I went on a wild goose chase.  I had ordered something as a part of a fund raiser and needed to pick it up in the next county.  It was a rough day for both of the kids so we stopped by at Nana's to give them a break.  Nana was free tonight so they got to spend the evening with her--which they loved, as always.  I, on the other hand, did not have a smooth evening.  I went to the place I thought the pickup was and couldn't find it.  Looked for hours.  Nothing. 

On the way home, I heard the Lord say, Wild Goose Chase.  It sure felt like one--a futile activity that profited nothing.  I've been reading the book, the Wild Goose Chase, by Mark Batterson.  His synopsis tells it all:

Celtic Christians had a name for the Holy Spirit–An Geadh-Glas, or ‘the Wild Goose.’ The name hints at mystery. Much like a wild goose, the Spirit of God cannot be tracked or tamed. An element of danger, an air of unpredictability surround Him. And while the name may sound a little sacrilegious, I cannot think of a better description of what it’s like to follow the Spirit through life. I think the Celtic Christians were on to something…

Although it felt like the evening was a waste, there were some great things that happened.  My son's attitude greatly improved from the "first day of school" grumpies.  On the way to Nana's, he told me he had pushed his ear-plug too far into his ear canal.  Instead of needing to go to the ER or an urgent care center, Nana got it out without too much trouble, since she's a retired nurse (Thank you, again, Nana).  Katie had the fun of winning at arm wrestling with her Pap-pap--and he got to push her into the pool. 

We can never know all of the intentions and actions of an omnipotent God.  There are times it seems like we do what we need to do or follow Him where He goes and it comes to nothing.  I've learned better.  I may not always be able to see what He's doing, but I know without a doubt He is active and has a reason for even my wild goose chases.  That's what it's like to live by the Spirit:

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."  John 3:8

If you want to go where the wind goes, you will need to chase it into some odd places, but that's ok because He's promised to never leave us.  For that I'm grateful. 

Crazy life...

Like most families, we are adjusting to the new school year with some bumps in the road.  I apologize for my spotty posts of late.  PJ and Kate start next week, but we started doing a developmental repair program for PJ this week that takes about 3 hours each day.  I've scheduled every activity and spread them out through the day, but it's a lot of work on top of school.  The specialist that put the program together recommended strongly that we take him out of school and homeschool him this year.  I'm not ready to do that, but I understand why she would recommend it. 

On top of all of this we have nearly every evening booked through Easter.  We have two nights each week that are tentatively roped off for family time.  The nice part about this is that I know what I'll be doing.  I have margin planned, but not a huge amount. 

I have come to love the freedom and spontenaity of the way God has been using me over the last few years.  I have loved that I have room in my schedule for interruptions.  Saturday night, my husband, John actually brought my own words back to me, reminding me that interruptions are people--I almost cried. 

Now, I guess I get to see how God works when life is busy.  I could be terrified that He will forget me. I'm more terrified that I will forget Him in the busy-ness He has orchestrated.  I can't do this without Him.  I know He is so present with me now--can He be just as present and guiding when there is no room that I can see for His interruptions?  I didn't want to have it that way.  He has wedged me here. 

I've made intentional choices in line with the priorities He has for our children and family.  I've talked over every commitment with John and he agrees they are all important--not just good, they are God priorities and He hasn't shut the door on any of them.  I've even turned down opportunities for ministry that I'd love right now because I just can't take on anything more.  Nearly all of the new commitments within my family fit within the schedule we've had for the last year.  Maybe I will still have all that spontenaity and I just don't know it yet.  

A this point I have a choice for fear or faith.  My heart is not comfortable with this--it feels like stretching.  I choose to trust that He will do far more than I could ask or think. 

Respected...

Yesterday I wrote about being loved, thoroughly, completely by God.  In some ways that's the easier of the two fundamental needs of the human heart.  Women need to be loved.  Men need to be respected. 

But how can one be respected by God--who is "no respecter of persons?"  He is God.  We are human.  We deserve no honor from God.  We are fallen, twisted wrecks of what He created us to be.  From a pragmatic point of veiw, respect is the last thing we deserve. 

What every man desires is deeply is to be respected, but that means respected for who he is on the inside; who he is capable of becoming.  Jesus came to rescue us, to rescue in us the potential for all we could be--to finally conform to the image of Christ.  Remember, that was the goal of making man in the first place.  God said, "Let us make man in our image."  Adam was the start, but he was not conformed to the image of Christ, so God isn't done making man yet.  Jesus Christ was the first man fully made in the image of God.  His sacrifice broke the chains of death, hell and our sin. He then sent His own Holy Spirit to live within us--to write His law on our hearts. 

This is the key--He died for us, not just because He loved us but because He knew what He will make us into.  He knew what we could become because it was what he made us to become--a partner suitable for Himself, made and conformed to His own image.  He made us for that and gave the life of his own Son--part of the God-head itself--to achieve it. 

If a company is willing to spend $1,000,000 training a valuable employee, that says a lot about the potential they believe that employee will have.  God was willing to expend his own life to finalize who you were created to be.  It is that kind of respect that God has for those He came to save. 

You are infinitely valuable to God.  He was, and is, self-sufficient, but as any Father does, He wants to pour himself into us out of His great love and expectation for what we can become.  Of course, as with anything with great potential, we have great potential to be like Him as He transforms us or to be unlike Him as we twist ourselves away from Him.  It is His great humility and patience with us that gives the room for greatness or villany.  It is our simple, innocent selfishness and self-sufficiency that is our primary danger. Our greatest risk is that we will make it on our own, never acknowleging our need for the God who made us so amazing--and in that success, seal ourselves into a horrific fate without the source of our very life, defeating our own purpose. 

Failure is the only option.  Recognition of our inadequacy and the lost potential He repurchased for us at great cost is the beginning of a new life.  We have to give up a life of our own for the the chance of fulfilling the life He has for us.  You will never have a more challenging assignment--a life that requires all you are and more. 

He respects you enough to demand it of you.  You have the choice to respect Him enough to give it to Him. Will you?

Gratitude Check

Around our house we have two "checks."  The first one is an attitude check.  When someone is giving me a bad attitude, I say attitude check and the appropriate response is "Praise the Lord."  The second is a gratitude check.  It works best when we're overwhelmed.  I say gratitude check and a number.  The person then has to say that number of things for which they are grateful.  You can't say anything you've said before (unless you really mean it in a different way this time).  Usually by the time the attitude check or a Gratitude check is finished, perspective is regained and there is enough peace to move forward. 

Today is the first quiet day with no kids at home and no paid work to do.  I've been going over the program for PJ's therapy this year that the neurodevelopmentalist created.  If I were to do it all, the program would take 4 hours each day.  Too much.  I've pared it down and shifted some things throughout the day, but I'm still pretty overwhelmed.  It's a lot to do and every bit of it is important.  On top of 7th grade, it feels like a monumental undertaking.  My friend just called and she may get evicted this week while she's halfway across the country and can't do anything about it.  Double overwhelm. 

There are so many verses that run through my head:

• "My God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in Glory." 
• "I have been abased.  I have abounded.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "With God, nothing is impossible."
• "All things work together for the good of those who love Christ and are the called according to His purposes." 
• "Fear not, little ones. It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom."
• "All Your waves and breakers have washed over me."

Time for a Gratitude Check (7):

1. We know what's wrong with PJ and know what we can do about it.
2. Katie has good teachers and support staff and is doing as well as she can so she doesn't need a lot of attention right now.
3. Some of the work will overlap between the two kids--double benefit.
4. I'm not working full time in an office at the other side of town so I have the time to work with him.
5. I have time to organize a schedule and systems that will help keep us on track.
6. I am not alone--The Lord, My God, is my Father, my friend and my love.  He is with me and will help me do this.
7. I am trained as an engineer and know how to systematically break big jobs down into managable pieces.  I wasn't born that way, but I can do it because I have been trained to do it.

 Thank You, Father.  I trust You to help me do all I need to do.

Parenting with the future in mind...

When PJ was little, complete strangers would come up to me and rave that I was the most amazing mother.  I had no idea what they were talking about.  PJ was an easy kid.  He was alert, even tempered and easy to calm when he got upset--which was rare.  Looking back, I was alert, even tempered and rarely got upset myself. 

Most of this I attribute to the fact that I had some great parenting mentors who taught me to first pray for my children and then train them with the end in mind.  I was taught by Godly women to parent him in light of how I wanted him to see  the world as a man.  They taught me to only ask him to do something if I really intended to follow through and make him do it.  Full obedience was immediate, complete, cheerful and without comment or it wasn't obedience.  The obedience I was to demand from him was the kind of obedience that he would one day give to God himself.  In the same way, if you could say yes, you did.  It was ok to say no, but the leaning was toward yes, not no--because we live the same generous life that God Himself does. 

When Katie came along, it was hard in so many ways, but the hardest was that I just couldn't envision her future.  What would she look like as a grown woman with Down syndrome?  Her future was so painful to think about, I lost my way as a parent to her, and to some extent to my son as well.  About that time, PJ had neurological issues that completely changed his entire personality as well and I floundered.  Our days became a flurry of therapies, worries, panic and grief.  I still don't know that we have completely regained our equilibrium.  I'm not sure we ever will. 

I have regained some of the future focus in my parenting.  It made a difference when it came time to talk to PJ about the facts of life.  Bringing his future wife into that discussion provided a context that I couldn't give him in any other way.  I'm still working on regaining a focus on character traits they will need as Godly adults.  Jon Gordon's quote really goes to the heart of the matter.  I could focus on getting them to behave the way I want, but mostly, I want them to be everything God created them to be, regardless of what occupation or life style they ultimately have.  I don't know if Kate will live independently, have a job or a spouse.  The thought of grandchildren seems too much to even entertain.  She will still need to obey immediately.  She will still need to think of others before herself and live with great sense of generosity.  She will need to know who God is and need to relate to Him for herself. 

Today, my kids were pretty wiggly in a women's clothing store and I ended up telling them the old adage, "Children should be seen and not heard"--mostly because they were being pretty frisky and a little loud. Later on, in the car, PJ and I talked about it more.  It does still apply, in that when anyone--children or adults--can engage someone else, looking to understand them and draw their real self out, they may earn the right to be heard and understood for themselves. 

I really look forward to seeing Him as a grown man, and I'm coming to terms with Katie's future, though there is still so much uncertainty there.  She wants a "truck" of her own, just like mommy.  I trust her and she acts independently in many situations with little fear.  She has been known to be a flight risk at times, but not for the sake of running away from us.  A few years ago she walked away from an evening family gathering at Downtown Disney without any of the 9 of us noticing until she was gone without a trace.  We had been talking about where we were going next and she just decided to leave instead of talking about it.  We found her at the Lego Store, contentedly playing, with absolutely no fear.  She and her brother played hide and seek (more quietly) in the fabric store later in the day today and they both came immediately when I called them.  She can feed herself at home, and often does, even if she can't reach the plates without climbing on the counter .  She's learning to ride a bike.  One of my closest friends sees my boldness and dynamic personality in Katie.  I have come to see her as Katherine, which means pure, undiluted, full strength--eu de parfum, not toilet water. 

I still don't know what kind of life she will have, but I know God has a plan for her life no less than He has planned for mine or PJ's.  I can try to teach her the character traits that will help her fulfill His dreams for her, but I'm not sure I could do much more than steer her, even if I wanted to.  The Lord holds her future and she loves and knows him for herself already--and that's enough.

Dreamscaping 16, Why plan?

At first glance, this verse is frustrating.  When I make plans, I want them to happen.  There's no guarantee in this verse that things will work out that way.  In fact, it almost implies the opposite--that we can plan all day long and our planning is futile in comparison to the purposes of God. 

I have noticed several things about plans. 

• I almost never end up following the plan perfectly.  The day gets a schedule and life happens instead.  The project gets a timetable and a task list and things intervene or the goals change.  
• Without a plan, nothing really happens.  When I get frustrated by the fact that the schedule didn't happen and give up on planning, nothing happens at all.  the day gets frittered away. 
• I don't always know what I really want.  I might set up objective benchmarks and plan steps to get my goals achieved, but too many times I've found myself climbing fast up a ladder that was on the wrong building.  A plan that goes perfectly to achive a bad goal is not a good thing.  A plan that goes perfectly to achieve a good goal when I'm supposed to be chasing a God thing is an even worse thing because it takes longer to figure out I'm on the wrong ladder.
• God has a plan and He doesn't always let me in on it and He rarely does one thing at a time--He is the ultimate multitasker.   Sometimes I can even see His plans and some of the reasons why He does things, only to find that He has a much wider scope in mind and is is working multiple plans toward multiple goals. 

That's one reason this verse ultimately becomes very comforting to me.  He doesn't chide us for having plans.  He encourages diligent, consistent planning as we partner with Him.  He makes plans.  He expects us to do no differently.  He even laughs at our plans when they are silly or when we're full of ourselves.  I haven't quit planning because His plans are better than mine.  I just try desperately to make my plans alongside Him in concentrated prayer and then hold my plans with a loose grip.  I don't want to miss out on His plan because I'm chasing mine--especially since my goal is to build His Kingdom, not mine. 

It also takes the pressure off my planning to some extent.  If it's His purpose that will ultimately prevail, I can mess things up pretty badly in my human weakness and innocent incompetence and He will still bring it together to accomplish the purposes He had in mind.  I don't want to miss out on being a part of His plan coming together for the best good possible so I plan and I plan carefully, but it wasn't My purpose that has to prevail.  Only His purpose counts and that's guaranteed. 

It's all good. 

Taking thoughts captive, she is now free

Last night, I talked about guarding our hearts with a dear friend of mine.  She's been terrified of leaving her house since her abusive husband got out of jail.  Even though there is a restraining order and seeing her would mean a parole violation that would get him sent back to prison, she's still worried.  I can understand, but it's been over 18 months since she last saw him, other than in court and she is such a people person.  For the last few months, she's been doing her laundry in her bathtub even though she has terrible back pain. 

As we talked about her fears and hesitation, she first pointed out that it's painful to bend down to put her clothes in the washer and dryer.  We took that before the ultimate judge, our Heavenly Father, and He confirmed that this is, in fact, the case.  However, when we looked a bit closer at the issue, she also recognized that it's even more painful to do her laundry in the bathtub. 

Next, she pointed out that she felt ashamed and judged when people saw her hobbling around.  So we took that to the Father for judgement as well.  The first thing that He brought to her mind was that it shouldn't matter to her what they think.  What immediately came to my mind (and took my breath away) was the thought that if she wasn't there they couldn't see her and she couldn't see them.  There might be people who needed her. 

She remembered then how she would go everywhere on her scooter handing out tracts, witnessing to people, constantly telling them about Jesus.  She realized that her fears were probably demonic, encouraged by the enemy to keep her from witnessing as she had before.  At this, her entire perspective changed.  We even talked about what would happen if she saw her soon to be ex-husband.  She has often cried out that she didn't even get to say goodbye.  The last time she saw him, he was being carried off by the police for beating her nearly senseless, throwing her in the road in front of an oncoming car, then keeping her in his back seat as the police chased them around town.  She admitted that it would be disturbing to see him again, and I agreed.  But she also said that she could call 911, and I reminded her that she could say goodbye to him as she called 911. 

I left her with the quarters to do her laundry, explaining that she has a boldness to witness that I often wish I had.  Investing in her doing her laundry at her complex advances the Kingdom of God and is a good investment, as far as I'm concerned.  At that, she got even more excited. 

And I'm even more excited than she is to see the fruit of our labors together. 

Guard your heart

Over the years I've struggled with wide ranging emotions--exuberant, passionate highs and devastating, aching lows--and very little inbetween. 

I've researched conditions like bipolar and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) to try to understand why my heart is so volitile.  I'm not bipolar, but I share some of their traits.  I do struggle with SAD and at times it has been debilitating.  To some degree, I just understand that in February I have a delightful burst of energy in which I am enthusiastic, organized and creative.  Around August, I begin to slow and become critical so it's a good time for me to edit the work done in the fury of February.  By December I have to be cautious about my moods so I gently revel in the holiday festivities as a strategy to combat the peaking darkness in my mind.  I also take medication and nurture my body gently--some of the depression is a genetic issue that just won't go away without the support of some very gifted physicians.  In military terms, these are the air war strategies.

The ground war strategies include good old fashioned thought and attitude management.  II Corinthians 10:5 encompasses the heart of this strategy: 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

That means I have a choice.  I can choose:

                 to be full of faith or full of doubt
                 to remain at rest or become frantic with fear
                 to notice God's peace or be overwhelmed by chaos
                 to be focused on the Father or focused on self

This is what it means to guard your heart.  It means guarding it from the attacks of the enemy, the criticism of well-meaning friends and your own insecurities. 

Still, there are times that my best efforts are insufficient to the task.  My heart often feels like the sandbox heart in the picture above, or worse it feels like the sand has been fused into solid, glistening glass--hard and brittle, with all the imperfections frozen forever into the matrix.  In those moments, I lean on this promise from Ezekiel 36:26:

 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

When I can't change my own heart, He promises that He can and does.  He tenderly loves me showering me with the compassion I don't even have for myself.

God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.  Romans 2:4

He loves me enough not to leave me in the abyss I have placed myself, but I still have to get my backside up, take His hand and walk out with Him.  It's hard work sometimes, but it works and I am grateful.

Thank You, Father!

Hurry Sickness

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.  II Peter 3:9

This morning a good friend from down the street was complaining about how rude it was for their behavioral therapist to show up late every week.  It took some time to explain, but a person who has to wait an infinite amount of time for a child to intentionally bend their will to hers has probably got to see time in a completely different way than one who runs an entire theme park (like he does). 

Yesterday I wrote about how gently the Lord condescends to my weak faith, gently teaching me that my trust in Him is not misplaced.  This morning He filled in a few more thoughts to chew on:

"You have set out to test me within the context of your business.  Am I not trustworthy?  I only delay to increase your faith.  I cannot always answer right away.  I often have other pieces that need to come together before I can provide—things that have nothing to do with you.  I need you to trust Me whether My answers come quickly or delay so that I am free to work in all of the hearts involved, in the same, gentle, condescending way that I work in you."

I often suffer from what John Ortberg calls "Hurry Sickness."  I want answers, and I want them now.  It's a subtle form of pride.  My priorities and timing are more important than anyone else, so they should get me what I want and get out of my way.  Unfortunately, sometimes I end up treating God that way too.  I want my heart to be at peace because I know everything is handled.  He wants to BE my peace and walk in relationship with me.  I would never say out loud that my priorities and timing are more important than God's priorities and timing, but that's exactly what I'm saying when I cry out like a toddler, "I want what I want when I want it!!!"  A toddler only cares about his own needs.  Maturing means thinking of others--and when I get in a hurry it's almost always because I've forgotten to care about what others need and the pace they need it. 

I want what You want, when You want it, Lord.  Thank You for teaching me to enjoy You in the wait--even when it scares me. 

Out of work, again?

I have to admit.  Trust doesn't come easy with Me.  The Lord works really hard to continue to win my trust--something He shouldn't have to do, but He condescends to my weakness. 

This week I turned in the final report draft to our review team.  As soon as I turned it in, John asked me if that means my job is over. The truth is that it probably does.  There will be a little more work but it will end soon. When I lost my job 17 months ago, I started a business and it's doing ok, but not great--we've done better than break even but it hasn't brought in anything close to the income I made before.  I got this job working for UF when I looked into do a PhD.  It's been a good research project and it's come out in a completely different way than it would have with a typical grad student straight out of school.  It's also been a small but steady income. 

Most of the time, I'm not all that concerned about that because I really do trust that the Lord will provide. When He asked me to go back to work, I went back on the condition that I would do what He sent me, but I wouldn't look for it.  That way things wouldn't get out of balance.  He's always sent me what I needed and we're doing ok. 

Just as a confirmation that He will provide, less than an hour after I sent the last chapter out, I received the contract I've been expecting for over a month.  Yaay!!  So what about the worry?  It's a continuing services contract--I need to have costly insurance for it and I have no idea if I'll get any work from it at all.  It's just a part of business and I knew I would need to do it at some point.  A contract is a contract--and a glimmer of hope for consistent work. 

Still, I'm human and My Father and Friend knows that at some point I could worry and I don't like to risk money.  Just so that I would really get that He has this all in His control, last night He set up another divine appointment:

As I went into the prayer room before the service, I felt a familiar divine stillness--He wasn't pressing me to pray about anything, just wait in His presence.  I could hear the worship time coming to an end but His presence wouldn't lift and allow me to go into join it.  After a little while, the same couple came in and joined me that had come a few weeks ago.  I prayed with them again and they chose to stay and just sit in the stillness with me.  I laid hands on his head to pray for him because he has frequent headaches.  Usually as God heals people when I lay hands on them I feel their pain and feel it release as He provides healing. It gives me a sense of compassion for them, shows me where to pray and sometimes even why they hurt.  This time, though I felt the Spirit's blessing on Him, I felt nothing else. 

We talked for awhile longer about the delight of seeing God work and at some point I mentioned that I happen to be a traffic engineer.  He mentioned his fears about a roadway that had been planned through a mobile home park he owns.  Before we parted, he asked for a business card.  There are many ways I could help him in the future, if he needs it.  Nothing is guaranteed, but I could easily recognize the nod from My Friend that He has my work life in His control.

Thanks!

Finishing well...

Today I finished the final draft for the last two chapters of the report I've been working on for over a year.  I struggle to finish anything.  I don't know why.  I've been trying to figure it out of months.  The report was due at the end of April, but the model wasn't working so we ended up getting a 3 month extension.  I'll have comments to address over the next few days, but the work is basically finished. 


I know my fears have something to do with the fear of the criticism that will inevitably come with the submission.  I like to please people and I hate it when I don't understand how to give them what they want.  Maybe I fear that I'll lose the meaning of my life when I don't have this to work on anymore--that feels closer, but not on target either.  There are so many times that the Lord places me where I need to be to do good work. 

When I went to the Lord, He told me that this is where I struggle with change.  Some people struggle when new things come along.  I struggle when old things end, particularly if I don't know what's next--and right now I don't know what's next.  I have to stand at the edge of this cliff, waiting and watching for whatever is to come along next.  I know it will come, but I feel more comfortable making progress than sitting still.  I've learned so much about being in the moment and trusting even when I can't see, but it's clear I still have a long way to go. 

I'm believing there is a picnic waiting for me at the edge of this cliff and that He and I will enjoy each other's company.