More than enough...

There was a time when I was in High School that I made a fatal error.  I was at the height of enjoying my Heavenly Father.  Ministry stuff was going great.  I was beginning to take college classes.  Despite all that was going right, my heart ached and I couldn't place why.  I wasn't a loner, but I was lonely.  I cried out to God one night that He wasn't enough--I needed people in my life.  What my heart was saying was that I needed a man in my life.  My dad was busy as a schoolteacher and I just didn't feel treasured by anyone.  Every woman needs someone to tell her she is beautiful, but instead of going to my Heavenly Father to meet that need, I assessed Him as inadequate to it.  I reasoned if it wasn't good for man to be alone, then how could a "derived creature" like woman be good alone. 

What came next was predictable.  Like the Israelites who demanded a King, God gave me what I asked for.  In His graciousness, He gave me a good man on the whole, but even a good man makes a terrible god.  He constantly demanded I prove my love for him and took great pleasure in pushing me farther and farther every time we met.  This continued into our marriage and became the nightmare anyone could have predicted.  He is still a good man but he is also still a terrible god.  He has wounds of his own and my need for a minor deity has often kept me from adequately tending to his wounds or holding him accountable for his own healing. 

Over the last year, I have renounced that vow within my own heart.  Jesus is indeed more than enough for me and any time I am tempted to think otherwise, I push harder into Him.  I continually find He is more than sufficient for my needs.  He reminds me that in His eyes, I am beautifully perfect and that He is perfecting all that concerns me.  He tells me that He has loved me with an everlasting love and that He has drawn me with unfailing kindness to Himself.  He rejoices over me with singing.  He has written my name in the palm of His hand. 

It's hard to dethrone a god.  Subtle fears and devotions must give way.  Rather than blindly doing all that he wants, no questions asked, I have to make choices about who I am going to honor.  I have to respond as a servant but an equal and a joint-heir to the inheritance of salvation.  I have to speak up when I am hurt rather than cow-tow or placate. 

Make no mistake.  It was my need for something that my husband could never be that placed us in such a horrible position.  We've been together for a quarter of a century and we won't get free of this problem overnight but we will get free. 

Father, I thank You for being my God.  Only You are sufficient to the task.  I again renounce any other gods I have placed before You and lay my heart at Your feet.  I trust You completely with my life. 

More than we could ask or imagine...

^"20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."--Eph 3:20-21

This weekend we had a "Not Alone" baptism at Church!  We've been praying for weeks for this weekend.  Last night we baptized 37.  This morning, in the second service there were more than 150 who signed up and got in line for baptism--it's still going on.  I have no idea how many came in the earlier service.  They set up 4 horse troughs on the stage and they should have set up 20.  It's hard not to cry for each and every one.  One man just confessed that Jesus healed him of cancer in the last two weeks (we happen to be in a sermon series on miracles).  Many of them confess their adoracion for Jesus in Spanish.  What a delight! 

Each one stood to say they were not ashamed of Jesus and that the people who stood beside them had "held their rope" just like the 4 men who dropped their paralyzed friend through the roof for Jesus to heal them.  There is no better testimony--that's what Baptism is all about!

Last night, I stood as a counselor when they invited people to come for baptism even if they hadn't planned to do it.  We even had clothes for all of them.  So last night, I met a new friend.  She has been praying about getting baptized for months.  She was even thinking about going to Atlanta to be baptized since she watches Andy Stanley on TV all the time.  The Lord told her to come last night.  She had no idea that baptism was all we were doing last night.  Before the service, I had prayed for more to come, spontaneously.  I prayed through until the Lord said to get up, that they were on the way.  Gotta love the way He works. 

I just watched a an adult woman with Down syndrome praise God in Spanish.  How cool!!  We're still watching it stream on the computer and it's noon.  They're inviting more. 

Our admin pastor had included these baptisms on his prayer list a few weeks ago.  He asked me to pray for 75 baptisms through the weekend.  He easily tripled that number.  What an amazing opportunity to see God work!  Definately, "immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine."

This decade's prayer

Letting go into a leap of faith...

Over the last decade, I've had the same prayer:

"Lord, I know I'm capable of a lot, but it is nothing in comparison to what You can do.  What I can do will never be enough.  I need You to do what You can do." 

I was born with great abilities.  My biggest struggle growing up has been figuring out the difference between what I could do and what I should do.  I have a better idea at 42 of what God has called me to, but mostly I've given up looking for a calling.  I do what the Lord says to do (as well as I can).  I trust Him and He leads me.  He sends me work.  He sends me people to pray for and tells me what to pray.  He hears me when I call, calms my fears and quiets me with His love.  He is amazing and I look forward to an eternity of exploring the depths of His presence. 

In the meantime, in answer to my prayer, He has placed me more than once in the position where I couldn't do anything.  He has lead me directly into situations that were beyond my capability to complete and left me hanging, waiting for Him to do what only He could do.  It hasn't stopped being frustrating.  It also hasn't stopped being amazing. 

For instance, my body doesn't do what it used to.  My kids take more attention.  So, I lost my job--the job He provided.  He pushed me almost immediately into creating a company.  It was almost 6 months before I had any work for my company, but in the meantime He provided good research work through UF and increased my husband's income by about 25%.  (He's having to learn to trust too).  I keep having to do things I don't think I can do and He keeps making up the difference. 

I don't trust in my own abilities to do anything of any consequence any more.  Only the work He does lasts--or even works for that matter.  Obedience isn't as much of a chore, it is the key to a spectactular adventure.  I can't wait each day to see what He's going to do next.  As with any other adventure, it's not always safe, but He's good and trustworthy. 

I don't know what's next, but I know Him and that's enough...

He Comforts Us

 As a new parent, I was so attuned to my son, PJ.  There were many times I needed PJ to do things he didn't want to do and keep his cool at the same time.  We watched each other continually.  As he watched me stay calm, I could see it was easier for him to react calmly to his circumstances.  For example, when he was 5 years old, we had a string of 4 hurricanes that ran through our area, each within weeks of each other.  We had large trees in our back yard and these were serious storms, some of which lasted for days.  Our entire region was covered with blue tarps for the next 6 months or more.  We were in a 2 story house and for everyone's safety, we all slept downstairs.  We even pulled our queen size mattress down from our bedroom and slept in one of the hallways.  I watched the chandelier in our front entryway for hours as it swayed in the high winds.  To PJ, it was a gigantic family sleepover, complete with grandparents.  For months afterward, he would ask us if we could have another hurricane.  As he watched us closely, he could see that we weren't really worried and he didn't need to be either. 

 

I also watched him.  I knew where his emotional limits were and would adjust my attitude and responses to his.  I could see when he was getting truly upset and provide extra comfort to help him get through it.  Of course it was easier with only one.  (I didn't do so well with more than one...but I'm getting better). 

 

Our heavenly Father is such a great parent in that way too.  He watches us as if He has no one else to watch and He is careful to provide comfort to us when we're about to lose it.  But even more, when we watch Him as closely as our own children watch us, we quickly come to see that he is rarely upset and never out of control.  That engenders trust and we begin to react as He does.  I think I remember a verse about that...

 

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."  Ephesians 5:1-2

 

In the Garden, before the crucifixion, Jesus took time to seek out His Father's face and the Father sent the comfort he needed to make it through.  Even though Jesus knew what was going to be involved in giving up his life for us, he calmly went to the cross, "as a sheep to the shearers is silent."  Without seeking out God's face, that would be impossible for anyone.  There are parts of my days that would be impossible without going to God's face too.  I bet there are probably a few parts of your days that are that way as well...

 

In sickness and in health

This week has been a sickie week here.  I hung out in bed all day Sunday and a good chunk of yesterday.  PJ was home yesterday too.  I can't tell if it's an achy head cold or a nasty bout of allergies, but we are definately dragging.  We even stayed home last night--and I hate missing CR and PJ hated missing Boy Scouts.  We're still pretty sluggish and I don't know what the day brings.  I have some quiet work to do today but we may not do much more. 

In a marriage, we vow to care for each other in sickness and in health (kudos to John on that one).  We've both been struggling with low grade, chronic illnesses for years.  Of course, Katie also has Down syndrome and PJ has major developmental gaps (and that's just what we know about). 

Our relationship with Jesus is also not conditioned on our health.  In all of our struggles, our heavenly Father has been faithful and gracious.  He has frequently shown us where healing can be found, but even more, He is faithful even when we are sick.  Although we've had setbacks, we also choose continually to be faithful, even when we can't be well.  We also choose to be faithful when we are well--and rejoice in the strength to care for others.

We live in a fallen world.  Sickness happens.  We also "wrestle not with flesh and blood, but with principalities and powers."  We are in a war and although the field of battle may be our bodies, the most critical enemy is spiritual, not physical.  With Job, we can say, "Though He slay me, still I'll trust in Him." 

The other day on the way to PJ's school, the Lord reminded me that the coldest, cruelest people I've ever known were those who have never been touched by illness, fear, lack or discomfort.  At that moment, I rejoiced with the Lord over the infirmities that PJ has had and has seen in all of us.  An understanding of weakness breeds compassion and dependence on God--something that PJ shows frequently.  Had all gone perfectly, PJ might not know what it is like to struggle to learn or sit still and could have mocked those who are not so fortunate with no regard for their Maker. 

I would take those struggles away from all of us in a heartbeat if I could.  My Lord is wiser. I cannot imagine the pain He endures as He watches us suffer, but for the joy set before Him, He again endures it for our good.  I have asked for healing.  He has provided wise and compassionate souls rather than sound and secure bodies, though when His work is complete, He heals our bodies so that we may serve Him.  Again, I stand in awe of the severe mercies of my dear Friend. 

Thank You, Father, Friend and Love...

Personal or Corporate Worship?? Yes.

The last section of Step 4 (Inventory) was about our church experience.  In many ways, I have very few issues ragarding the church.  I've been through several church splits and I'm not pain free, but for the most part, the church has been a place of ministry and encouragement.  As we discussed the topic, I realized that although I love my church, it really isn't a place I worship.  It's a place I serve, and I delight to see what God does as we work together.  I suppose, I worship as I rejoice to see what He does, but worship is rarely a part of my own experience there. 

Don't get me wrong, our church has an amazing worship team.  Not only are they unbelievably talented, they love the Lord and their worship is heartfelt and wonderful.  It's just that I have come to enjoy my own private worship time with the Lord so much.  That evening, when I wistfully pined to My Father, puzzled about "missing out" on the "experience" of corporate worship, He graced me with an amazing evening of passionate, graceful worship.  I felt a tinge of discomfort about being swept away in the emotion of the evening and feared the emptiness afterward, but there was none.  As a teenager, I often found that these passionate experiences would be followed by the day to day frustrations, and I felt unchanged.  I came to distrust these experiences for that reason, but my every day experience is very different than it was then.  The passion and power I experience (and need) continually has an intensity of its own that individual experiences cannot match. 

These day-to-day experiences with Christ, in the Word, in my own heart, in each and every moment do continually transform me.  I have serious trust issues.  Although my parents loved and cared for me, they were human and have failed me.  I've struggled to work in teams because I would often have to carry the majority of the burden because other team members couldn't keep up (or I couldn't let go).  John is human as well and although he is trustworthy in the practical affairs of life, he doesn't always know how to help me feel loved.  We have experienced great loss through the years and I have just as frequently let myself down.    Day by day, Jesus reveals Himself as trustworthy and little by little I learn to truly rely on Him.  As I let my guard down to Him, He comes through and His rescue is amazing and elicits my profoundest worship.  These are the worship experiences that transform me.  He has wooed me tenderly, gently in the way I my heart needs to let down its defenses.  I am smitten.  This type of worship has become richer through the years.  We have had breathless experiences together in the midst of thousands of worshipers.  We have had quiet moments in a dirty kitchen.  I'm loving every minute. 

Greed or Generosity?

Picture by J.P. Weesner

A friend of mine took this picture the other day and posted it saying, "Probably a lot of people who are confused as to why they are different directions."  He's probably right. Shopping can become an act of worship within our materialistic culture.  It becomes a greedy stuff-grab, particularly during the holidays or right before school starts.   

In reality, the Holy Land Experience is a Christian themed amusement park, complete with a replica of the Jewish Temple overlooking I-4.  The Mall at Mellenia is a very upscale mall, developed by friends of my parents at our church. 

Knowing that the mall was developed by a tremendously Godly family, one day as I was sitting in the mall, enjoying the ambiance, I wondered what it would look like to have a mall like theirs in heaven. 

Immediately the thought that the Father downloaded was that it would include everything you could ever imagine and more--and all of it would be free.  However, there was one delightful catch: You could only pick out items for someone else.  Everything about Heaven will be about giving.  Can you imagine such a delightful place?  It would be Christmas every day.  Anyone who has ever gone to a toy store to pick out a toy for their deeply loved child knows the excitement of finding something perfect for them and the anticipation of waiting to see their face when they open it. 

It reminds me of an old church illustration.  Two groups were invited to a banquet at the palace.  It was a great honor and they were all on their best manners.  When they arrived, each group found that their places were set with 4 foot long forks.  None of the guests could bear to give up their manners and eat the delicious feast with their fingers.  The first group sat at the table and cried because they couldn't eat a bite with such implements.  The food looked delicious and their hungry stomachs growled.  The second group hesitated for a minute and then joyfully set about enjoying the feast.  What was the difference?  The second group quickly figured out that they could easily feed each other across the table.  It was even fun aiming for their neighbor's mouth and there was great laughter all around.  The first group only thought about feeding themselves and went hungry.  It always works that way.  Proverbs 11:25 says,

"The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed."

It may take a tremendous amount of trust to believe that what you give away will come back, but it's worth it.  I wish the joy of great generousity on you and your family today!

Gratitude Check

Around our house we have two "checks."  The first one is an attitude check.  When someone is giving me a bad attitude, I say attitude check and the appropriate response is "Praise the Lord."  The second is a gratitude check.  It works best when we're overwhelmed.  I say gratitude check and a number.  The person then has to say that number of things for which they are grateful.  You can't say anything you've said before (unless you really mean it in a different way this time).  Usually by the time the attitude check or a Gratitude check is finished, perspective is regained and there is enough peace to move forward. 

Today is the first quiet day with no kids at home and no paid work to do.  I've been going over the program for PJ's therapy this year that the neurodevelopmentalist created.  If I were to do it all, the program would take 4 hours each day.  Too much.  I've pared it down and shifted some things throughout the day, but I'm still pretty overwhelmed.  It's a lot to do and every bit of it is important.  On top of 7th grade, it feels like a monumental undertaking.  My friend just called and she may get evicted this week while she's halfway across the country and can't do anything about it.  Double overwhelm. 

There are so many verses that run through my head:

• "My God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in Glory." 
• "I have been abased.  I have abounded.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "With God, nothing is impossible."
• "All things work together for the good of those who love Christ and are the called according to His purposes." 
• "Fear not, little ones. It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom."
• "All Your waves and breakers have washed over me."

Time for a Gratitude Check (7):

1. We know what's wrong with PJ and know what we can do about it.
2. Katie has good teachers and support staff and is doing as well as she can so she doesn't need a lot of attention right now.
3. Some of the work will overlap between the two kids--double benefit.
4. I'm not working full time in an office at the other side of town so I have the time to work with him.
5. I have time to organize a schedule and systems that will help keep us on track.
6. I am not alone--The Lord, My God, is my Father, my friend and my love.  He is with me and will help me do this.
7. I am trained as an engineer and know how to systematically break big jobs down into managable pieces.  I wasn't born that way, but I can do it because I have been trained to do it.

 Thank You, Father.  I trust You to help me do all I need to do.

Guard your heart

Over the years I've struggled with wide ranging emotions--exuberant, passionate highs and devastating, aching lows--and very little inbetween. 

I've researched conditions like bipolar and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) to try to understand why my heart is so volitile.  I'm not bipolar, but I share some of their traits.  I do struggle with SAD and at times it has been debilitating.  To some degree, I just understand that in February I have a delightful burst of energy in which I am enthusiastic, organized and creative.  Around August, I begin to slow and become critical so it's a good time for me to edit the work done in the fury of February.  By December I have to be cautious about my moods so I gently revel in the holiday festivities as a strategy to combat the peaking darkness in my mind.  I also take medication and nurture my body gently--some of the depression is a genetic issue that just won't go away without the support of some very gifted physicians.  In military terms, these are the air war strategies.

The ground war strategies include good old fashioned thought and attitude management.  II Corinthians 10:5 encompasses the heart of this strategy: 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

That means I have a choice.  I can choose:

                 to be full of faith or full of doubt
                 to remain at rest or become frantic with fear
                 to notice God's peace or be overwhelmed by chaos
                 to be focused on the Father or focused on self

This is what it means to guard your heart.  It means guarding it from the attacks of the enemy, the criticism of well-meaning friends and your own insecurities. 

Still, there are times that my best efforts are insufficient to the task.  My heart often feels like the sandbox heart in the picture above, or worse it feels like the sand has been fused into solid, glistening glass--hard and brittle, with all the imperfections frozen forever into the matrix.  In those moments, I lean on this promise from Ezekiel 36:26:

 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

When I can't change my own heart, He promises that He can and does.  He tenderly loves me showering me with the compassion I don't even have for myself.

God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.  Romans 2:4

He loves me enough not to leave me in the abyss I have placed myself, but I still have to get my backside up, take His hand and walk out with Him.  It's hard work sometimes, but it works and I am grateful.

Thank You, Father!

I am an idoloter

Jimmy Needham

The other song we looked at in our Saturday night life group was Clear the Stage by Jimmy Needham (what a great name!).  It talks about the things we put on the stage of our lives--the things we worship.  These lines really hit me then--and break me now:


Anything I put before my God, is an idol
Anything I want, with all my heart, is an idol
Anything I can't stop thinking of, is an idol
Anything that I give all my love, is an idol


I want no idols in my life and I truly enjoy spending time alone with Him in quiet listening for His whisper.  I loved the song, but blew it off a little because Jesus really is my passion--or so I thought.


Yesterday, my computer died (or at least fainted).  


If you want to know what a person's idols are, just take them away and you'll see pretty quickly.  It's my work computer and I was just getting ready to write the last chapter of the research I've been working on for the last year.  It's also where my journal is along with all my pictures.  It's where I come to God in the morning to soak in His word, receive encouragement from other Christians, and write out of what He has poured into my heart.  It's also where I play stupid, mind-numbing, time-consuming games, check out what's going on with people I barely remember from High School, and get crazy ideas from Pintrest.  


It's in the shop.  It's not likely to be genuinely terminal.  I'll probably get it back today.  Still, an engineer without a computer is naked (and yes, I had a spare--it's not the same).  


I John 1:9 says:  " If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  I am agreeing with God that this is an idol.  I am throwing myself on Him again, begging for forgiveness from my betrayal.  I desperately need His purification and He promises to give it.  That's what Jesus died for.  That's what grace is all about.


Thank You, Father and Friend...

Overflow

My education pastor finds the coolest stuff...Last night we looked at how music can be a part of our quiet time.  He points out that lyrics are basically poems that contain deep truth in compact packages.  This one really hit me (I even bought it for myself):

She could have been spying on my own journals:

Fill my weak with strength
Fill my full with more
Fill my soul with hope
And fill my faith with Yours
I'm desperate for You...

 

 

Consume every part of me
For I'm missing nothing
The more I seek You I find that You are here

I see my weakness.  I see my fullness.  Together, they amount to nothing.  If I don't have Him, filling me to overflowing I am nothing.  I have feared every day that He would leave me to my own, substantial, devices--but it wouldn't be even close to enough.  Once you have tasted Him, nothing comes close. 

 

 

Over the last few months, the Lord has been gently reminding me that He is and has been here the whole time.  As desperate as I am for his resources, I have never been without them--I only needed to look up.  I am still frantic at times.  I am terrified I will forget and rely on my own resources.  He reminds me both in my journal time with Him and by the gentle orchestrations within my own life that He is always here.  He is always laying out good work for me to do and He is always providing the resources I need to do it.  I am beginning to exhale.  I am beginning to trust. 

It's about time.  

Dreamscaping 9...Search out a plan...

Saw this today...love it.  Sometimes the dreams God gives us are so large and scary we don't know where to start.  Start today.  Start together.  Start by breaking things down into small pieces.  Get help breaking things down. 

The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.--Pr 21:5

Clutter and love...

^"12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ¹³ Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."  Col. 3:12-13

Today is the day to brag on my husband.
 
I have struggled with the "maintenance" issues of life (like decluttering and cleaning) for as long as I know.  More often than not, I just don't see it.  When I see a messy counter, I see a beautiful thing or two in the middle of a dozen decisions I don't know how to make and it freaks me out.  Now that I don't have full time work, I really want to have a beautiful, peaceful home, but it still eludes me.  I'm beginning to think it just isn't in my core competencies.  Only God would make your primary job the one you just can't do--so you can depend on Him to grow you through it. 

This morning, John gently pushed me toward the laundry room and kept throwing me back in there.  Was I kicking and screaming? No, but he did hug me whenever I asked for it with a puzzled look on his face.  Surely, the decisions in there should be easy in comparison to the rest of our world!

In comparison, yes.  Easy?  No.  

But they must be addressed.  He doesn't love the clutter.  He tends toward the gently OCD so it is a regular offense for things to get like they do.  Today he exercised Herculean feats of love (as he does every day) by making allowance for my faults and forgiving me while he gently pushed me toward a better pattern.  My heart rate hasn't quite gone back to normal, but there are a few surfaces you can see now.

Thanks, sweetie.