Guard your heart

Over the years I've struggled with wide ranging emotions--exuberant, passionate highs and devastating, aching lows--and very little inbetween. 

I've researched conditions like bipolar and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) to try to understand why my heart is so volitile.  I'm not bipolar, but I share some of their traits.  I do struggle with SAD and at times it has been debilitating.  To some degree, I just understand that in February I have a delightful burst of energy in which I am enthusiastic, organized and creative.  Around August, I begin to slow and become critical so it's a good time for me to edit the work done in the fury of February.  By December I have to be cautious about my moods so I gently revel in the holiday festivities as a strategy to combat the peaking darkness in my mind.  I also take medication and nurture my body gently--some of the depression is a genetic issue that just won't go away without the support of some very gifted physicians.  In military terms, these are the air war strategies.

The ground war strategies include good old fashioned thought and attitude management.  II Corinthians 10:5 encompasses the heart of this strategy: 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

That means I have a choice.  I can choose:

                 to be full of faith or full of doubt
                 to remain at rest or become frantic with fear
                 to notice God's peace or be overwhelmed by chaos
                 to be focused on the Father or focused on self

This is what it means to guard your heart.  It means guarding it from the attacks of the enemy, the criticism of well-meaning friends and your own insecurities. 

Still, there are times that my best efforts are insufficient to the task.  My heart often feels like the sandbox heart in the picture above, or worse it feels like the sand has been fused into solid, glistening glass--hard and brittle, with all the imperfections frozen forever into the matrix.  In those moments, I lean on this promise from Ezekiel 36:26:

 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

When I can't change my own heart, He promises that He can and does.  He tenderly loves me showering me with the compassion I don't even have for myself.

God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.  Romans 2:4

He loves me enough not to leave me in the abyss I have placed myself, but I still have to get my backside up, take His hand and walk out with Him.  It's hard work sometimes, but it works and I am grateful.

Thank You, Father!

A living and active Word

I've been devouring scripture since I was a toddler.  My mom first started reading the Bible through with us when I was 2 and all that was available was King James (and not the New King James).  I have a strong auditory memory, so I've retained much of it, in the language it was first delivered to me.  I haven't intentionally memorized it, but I know it, nearly word for word.  It remains precious to me and I continue to devour it daily--to the best of my ability.   I have found it to be living and active--sharper than any two edged sword. 

Still, sometimes a new translation or a new season of life comes along and those old familiar passages take on a new vibrance--a new richness--and my heart is passionately enflamed again.  It's like walking the same familiar paths and finding them enrobed in a sunrise at spring when all is ablaze and blooming.  It was beautiful before but it becomes entrancing and makes me pause in wonder. 

For instance, Romans 5 is a familiar passage that I've heard all of my life (mostly in New International Version): 

Bok Tower Gardens

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

This is great stuff--talking about the way that God uses suffering to mold us into the character of Christ.  Here's Eugene Peterson's take on the beginning of Romans 5 in The Message:

"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.  There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"  Romans 5:1-5

See how what was familiar stands out with a new vibrance?  Just the phrase, "passionate patience" will hang with me the rest of the day, inviting me to chew on it in great delight.  Just like the two pictures above, the same place moves from simply beautiful to extravagantly amazing. 

If your time with the Lord has become stilted or dull, try checking out a new version of the same passages.  Compare them side by side.  Let your mind and heart be stirred to see the nuances scholars have observed in the original text.  Be careful to listen as the Holy Spirit points out new words or phrases from the "same old, same old" passages.  Write down what He points out so you can meditate on it throughout the day and come back to it weeks later.  Let it stir you to reconsider what the Word means in your life.  

You may never be the same.

The midnight call

For many years now I've given God the opportunity to wake me at night just to talk.  We have a signal system so that I can recognize the difference between my body and His call but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Last night He called again and His encouragement was sweet and thorough.  I needed it. 

Many might say that it is a sacrifice to give Him that time.  I've heard others who have chosen to ask God to get them up when their bodies are adequately rested so they can give Him the remaining time.  For me, I need to be still to hear the subtle things He desires to tell me.  He does occasionally shout over my day but I don't want to wait until He has to shout.  Those times are sweet and quiet, uninterrupted by the clutter and chaos of the day. 

I've heard people say that even though they've been a Christian for years, they still feel something is missing.  It's in those midnight rendezvous that the aching places in my soul are filled.  It's in those times that He shows me the places I've kept Him out and loves those places open.  Jesus made a habit of praying at night, sometimes all night.  Anyone who will try it out will find out why He did. 

The spiritual disciplines aren't individually that hard--they're just a long obedience in the same direction.  After getting into the habit, taking time with Him every morning and evening aren't a chore--they are a delight.  There are times that I'm struggling to obey or fighting His direction and it's in those times that it's a bit harder.  I can't tell you how many times I've awoken in the morning to realize I missed His call.  In those times I weep for the opportunity missed and He comforts me. 

I want to encourage you to test Him--there is nothing you can give Him that He won't return to you more full and powerful. 

Dreamscaping 4...Visioning as a guide to action

"Where there is no vision, the people perish:
but he that keepeth the law, happy is he."
--Pr 29:28 (KJV)

The vision alluded to in this verse is God's perspective of what is to come, of what He desires to come to pass--it is His dream for us and for those we impact.  As a parent this concept has been foundational to everything I do, but for awhile I lost that vision.

When my first son was born, I had an idea--a vision--of the kind of man I wanted him to grow to be--the kind of man that would make God proud.  Everything I did as a parent was framed in light of that vision.  Correction was loving and consistent because I wanted him to understand the nature of God's laws and character.  Immediate obedience was always the goal because I wanted him to grow to obey God immediately, with loving trust that His rules were for PJ's good. 

When Katie was born with Down syndrome, one of the most disorienting issues was that I couldn't envision who Katie would be as an adult, and every attempt on my part just brought up more pain.  It was a devastating time.  Without that vision, I lost the will to correct her and demand of her behavior and attitudes that would befit a Godly future.  I floundered.  Many times, she floundered.  PJ was in the middle of a neurological crisis I couldn't see at the time but my hesitancy as a parent didn't help. 

A few years ago, I was at a conference put on by the local DS support group where one of the speakers gave a passionate talk about the vision she had crafted for her son when he was just two.  From there, all of her actions and planning were guided by that vision.  Nearly all of those goals have been achieved by her son who is now in his 20's and he is wiser, stronger and more popular than any would have believed possible. 

Her talk reminded me of the vision I had lost for my own daughter.  I can't say that I have completely regained that vision yet, but yesterday PJ and I worked together to create a daily schedule and a list of goals for him and his sister that will help her move toward them.  It's a start. 

What is God's vision for those you impact?  Have you asked?

Morning Manna

I have neglected this blog for far too long.  As with morning manna, the Lord has promised if I stop and speak with Him every morning, He will provide what I need for the day.  He has reminded me that if I don't stop, I miss out.  This morning, I believe He is extending that to this place.  He has manna for you too (and please go to Him first to receive from His hand) but He gives overflow for me to give away if I will patiently go and pick it up each morning.  As with the Israelite's manna, it may not be there later and it will spoil if kept to the next day, so I'm going to try to bring it to you, even if it is small, each day. 
I have always loved thoughts.  Some kids go around the house humming or beating on things or zooming their little cars.  I played (and prayed) with ideas: 

• Why are we here? 
• Why are we so blessed? 
• What is our purpose and meaning?

I have sung and played and taught but it has still been only a venue for the innumerable thoughts that hum continually through my head.  Some teach, some minister through music.  I guess thinking is just what I do.  He often directs my thoughts, like a playground coach--sending me here and there to find the most precious jewels. 

This week as a part of my time with Him, He has required me to sit and feel.  I'll admit it's a new practice for me.  Mostly it has been a time to feel what I haven't wanted to feel, so it hurts a bit, but I feel so much lighter for the rest of the day.  It is delightful sweetness to feel it in His presence.  He tells me that my pain is precious to Him and that He holds all of our tears in a bottle. 

Try it for yourself.  I'd love to hear what He does with you...