Waiting

I don't know what to write today...

Lord, what will You provide for others?  I will wait.


Yesterday was not the first time that I have sat awaiting the Lord.  There have been days that all I knew was that His presence was real and at rest, but that I was to await His priorities.  It is a still feeling.  A calmness ensues; an eager expectancy that awaits His work.  It is accompanied by another understanding--a deep, disquiet about moving out of the position He has placed me. 

This understanding has come at a great cost.   Far too many times, I have disregarded His direction to my great dismay.  The consequences have been dire.  When I act during the time I should be waiting, it is only because I don't fully trust God to act and that is disaster--just ask Sarah and Abraham. 

The acronym PUSH is so appropriate--Pray Until Something Happens.  My grandmother used to tell us, "Don't move anything you haven't first moved with prayer."  If nothing else, as we try to move the world back to something upright before Him, it is His job to align us in the position that will be the most effective.   A boulder resting at the top of a hill will move with only a small push if it comes from the right position.  Pushing it sideways won't do much and it might be hard to find just the right place on a very large boulder.    Within the process of waiting and praying, I often find that my prayers dramatically change.  What I first asked for would have been wholly inappropriate, but God reordered my prayers during the time I waited. 

Wait upon the Lord...He is worth the wait.

Loved

As I look through my prayer journals, there's often a theme that my Friend continually reiterates.  For many years, it has been "Trust Me."  In this season, it has been:

"I love you." 

Love Poured Out
Tracey Bautista

Every woman desperately needs to know she is loved.  She can do anything as long as she feels it deep down in her heart.  She can gently, softly move the entire world.  Without it, she is a hollowed out shell, going through the motions, "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." 

I am not immune.  I need it as much as any other woman.  We are derived creatures, formidible and amazing, but created for the purpose of serving others; created to be gratefully adored.  This need leaves us vulnerable as we seek for that life-giving love from those we serve.  This is the essence of codependency:  I will serve and care for you in return for the love that defines me.  I will torment you with my service if you cannot or will not fill the aching hole in my heart.  In the end, it destroys both the lover and that which she loves.  The truth is that no man, no family can provide the kind of love that she needs to fill her heart and overflow into truly unconditional service. 

Man and woman were created together to grow into the full stature of Christ.  Jesus could give without expecting anything in return because of the love that His Father poured into and over him.  Without that love pouring into me, I will pour out what little I have and be left aching.  With His love, I am complete.  It takes a complete love to fill me.  It takes Hesed--the loyal lovingkindness only Jesus gives. 

As a pitcher, I run dry.  As a pipe, I can't help getting wet.  That's why Paul encourages us to, "Pray without ceasing."  It is not for God's sake that we pray continually.  We pray continually because we constantly need to be in contact with the source of the love that keeps us soft and pliable.  We give out love and care all the time.  If we are not connected to the source to be renewed, we will run out long before the need runs out.  When I rush around my day without contact with the Holy Spirit, I end the day feeling drained.  When I move in concert with His presence, I am continually refreshed and fall asleep contentedly with praise on my lips.  I am the branch.  He is the vine.  Apart from Him, I can do nothing but wither and die.

Men have slightly different needs, but they need to be connected all the same.  I'll talk about that tomorrow. 

Thank You, Father, Friend and the Lover of my Soul.  You are my source and I enjoy You. Keep me near You today.

Doing the work....

While I was away at my parent's house there was nothing to do at church (and I don't sit still well without sitting still before the Father--and even that's hard) so I joined the prayer team again and God did some amazing things.  I wrote about that a few weeks ago. 

I've been thinking about praying before and during the service more regularly.  John leaves our lifegroup class early every Saturday night to usher and I thought it might be good to go to the prayer room when he leaves to pray before or during the service.  The Lord does such amazing things when we pray.  It slipped my mind a few times, but this week I remembered. 

I walked in to the room and there was a woman sitting in the shadows.  I asked if I could join her.  As I sat down next to her on the prayer bench, she began to quietly sob.  I wrapped my arms around her and we began to pray together.  The Lord was there with us and I got the delight of being His comforting arms for a woman very much like myself who is facing enormous personal crisis and equally amazing ministry opportunities.  It was a God ordained moment and a connection the Lord wanted to make that I had prayed for only earlier that day.  She even told me before she left that she had just been asking the Lord to send someone to give her a hug.  (wow!)

Sometimes the God things are just a matter of doing what you are called to do because you were called to do it.  Being in the right place at the right time is just a matter of a long obedience in the same direction.  It feels so ordained and yet so random--like an episode of Touch or Person of Interest (our latest TV addictions). What I love about both shows is that faithfully following what you know, though you may not understand, pulls the strings of coincidence into something ordained.  Only in this case, it's real and I personally know the one weaving the threads...

Thanks, Father!

Peaceful chaos...

I love my parent's place.  It's a total mess and I probably could connect clutter with peace if I let myself.  Mom and my sister are occupied with VBS so my dad and I are hanging out at the house during the day working and occasionally talking.  It's a contented quiet.  

Kate snuggles with Grandpa

I am more grateful than ever that my parents raised us with a constant undercurrent of the Word in the presence of the Lord.  I wandered into the laundry room this morning and my mom had the phone app, Bible.is playing Genesis.  My dad picked up the iPad last night and he starts playing with a new app I downloaded, Fighter Verses, finding all the cool parts of it before I've even had a chance to look at it.  When I felt stressed last night, my mom started singing a song she had written last year about being at peace.  It's not fake or put on; it's a normal part of our lives.  Somtimes, after being away, it feels "goody-goody" but it's just the way they live--the way I live. 

Paul said in Ephesians 5:

"¹⁷ Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. ¹⁸ Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, ¹⁹ singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. ²⁰ And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." 

We've had plenty of people on my mom's side that have had issues with alcoholism or drug addiction.  It's never appealed to any of us.  We still struggle with normal addictions like food and "stuff", but even those are gradually fading, generation by generation.  When He gets that big a part of your life, He makes all other idols look like chopped liver.  It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.