Crazy life...

Like most families, we are adjusting to the new school year with some bumps in the road.  I apologize for my spotty posts of late.  PJ and Kate start next week, but we started doing a developmental repair program for PJ this week that takes about 3 hours each day.  I've scheduled every activity and spread them out through the day, but it's a lot of work on top of school.  The specialist that put the program together recommended strongly that we take him out of school and homeschool him this year.  I'm not ready to do that, but I understand why she would recommend it. 

On top of all of this we have nearly every evening booked through Easter.  We have two nights each week that are tentatively roped off for family time.  The nice part about this is that I know what I'll be doing.  I have margin planned, but not a huge amount. 

I have come to love the freedom and spontenaity of the way God has been using me over the last few years.  I have loved that I have room in my schedule for interruptions.  Saturday night, my husband, John actually brought my own words back to me, reminding me that interruptions are people--I almost cried. 

Now, I guess I get to see how God works when life is busy.  I could be terrified that He will forget me. I'm more terrified that I will forget Him in the busy-ness He has orchestrated.  I can't do this without Him.  I know He is so present with me now--can He be just as present and guiding when there is no room that I can see for His interruptions?  I didn't want to have it that way.  He has wedged me here. 

I've made intentional choices in line with the priorities He has for our children and family.  I've talked over every commitment with John and he agrees they are all important--not just good, they are God priorities and He hasn't shut the door on any of them.  I've even turned down opportunities for ministry that I'd love right now because I just can't take on anything more.  Nearly all of the new commitments within my family fit within the schedule we've had for the last year.  Maybe I will still have all that spontenaity and I just don't know it yet.  

A this point I have a choice for fear or faith.  My heart is not comfortable with this--it feels like stretching.  I choose to trust that He will do far more than I could ask or think. 

Loved

As I look through my prayer journals, there's often a theme that my Friend continually reiterates.  For many years, it has been "Trust Me."  In this season, it has been:

"I love you." 

Love Poured Out
Tracey Bautista

Every woman desperately needs to know she is loved.  She can do anything as long as she feels it deep down in her heart.  She can gently, softly move the entire world.  Without it, she is a hollowed out shell, going through the motions, "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." 

I am not immune.  I need it as much as any other woman.  We are derived creatures, formidible and amazing, but created for the purpose of serving others; created to be gratefully adored.  This need leaves us vulnerable as we seek for that life-giving love from those we serve.  This is the essence of codependency:  I will serve and care for you in return for the love that defines me.  I will torment you with my service if you cannot or will not fill the aching hole in my heart.  In the end, it destroys both the lover and that which she loves.  The truth is that no man, no family can provide the kind of love that she needs to fill her heart and overflow into truly unconditional service. 

Man and woman were created together to grow into the full stature of Christ.  Jesus could give without expecting anything in return because of the love that His Father poured into and over him.  Without that love pouring into me, I will pour out what little I have and be left aching.  With His love, I am complete.  It takes a complete love to fill me.  It takes Hesed--the loyal lovingkindness only Jesus gives. 

As a pitcher, I run dry.  As a pipe, I can't help getting wet.  That's why Paul encourages us to, "Pray without ceasing."  It is not for God's sake that we pray continually.  We pray continually because we constantly need to be in contact with the source of the love that keeps us soft and pliable.  We give out love and care all the time.  If we are not connected to the source to be renewed, we will run out long before the need runs out.  When I rush around my day without contact with the Holy Spirit, I end the day feeling drained.  When I move in concert with His presence, I am continually refreshed and fall asleep contentedly with praise on my lips.  I am the branch.  He is the vine.  Apart from Him, I can do nothing but wither and die.

Men have slightly different needs, but they need to be connected all the same.  I'll talk about that tomorrow. 

Thank You, Father, Friend and the Lover of my Soul.  You are my source and I enjoy You. Keep me near You today.

Guard your heart

Over the years I've struggled with wide ranging emotions--exuberant, passionate highs and devastating, aching lows--and very little inbetween. 

I've researched conditions like bipolar and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) to try to understand why my heart is so volitile.  I'm not bipolar, but I share some of their traits.  I do struggle with SAD and at times it has been debilitating.  To some degree, I just understand that in February I have a delightful burst of energy in which I am enthusiastic, organized and creative.  Around August, I begin to slow and become critical so it's a good time for me to edit the work done in the fury of February.  By December I have to be cautious about my moods so I gently revel in the holiday festivities as a strategy to combat the peaking darkness in my mind.  I also take medication and nurture my body gently--some of the depression is a genetic issue that just won't go away without the support of some very gifted physicians.  In military terms, these are the air war strategies.

The ground war strategies include good old fashioned thought and attitude management.  II Corinthians 10:5 encompasses the heart of this strategy: 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

That means I have a choice.  I can choose:

                 to be full of faith or full of doubt
                 to remain at rest or become frantic with fear
                 to notice God's peace or be overwhelmed by chaos
                 to be focused on the Father or focused on self

This is what it means to guard your heart.  It means guarding it from the attacks of the enemy, the criticism of well-meaning friends and your own insecurities. 

Still, there are times that my best efforts are insufficient to the task.  My heart often feels like the sandbox heart in the picture above, or worse it feels like the sand has been fused into solid, glistening glass--hard and brittle, with all the imperfections frozen forever into the matrix.  In those moments, I lean on this promise from Ezekiel 36:26:

 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

When I can't change my own heart, He promises that He can and does.  He tenderly loves me showering me with the compassion I don't even have for myself.

God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.  Romans 2:4

He loves me enough not to leave me in the abyss I have placed myself, but I still have to get my backside up, take His hand and walk out with Him.  It's hard work sometimes, but it works and I am grateful.

Thank You, Father!

"I will uphold you"

My journal entry this morning reflected my exhaustion and overwhelm.  I went to Bible Gateway and the verse was nearly a copy of what He had already said:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 NIV

Today was the monthy iDignity event.  One of the issues with the homeless is that as they lose their homes, often they put their most important stuff in storage.  When they can't pay for the storage they lose all of their identification.  Without those papers it's hard to get a job or any help from social services.  My disabled friend's driver's license has been expired for over a year so she can't even do her own banking and had a hard time flying to her dad's funeral because security almost wouldn't let her on the plane.  With her limited income, the $50 it takes to renew her license was over a quarter of her disposable income in a month.  iDignity can get it renewed for her at no monetary cost, but it was a long and taxing day.

They told us to show up between 9 and 10 and we were there until almost 2.  In the process, the birth certificate she thought she had brought with her had disappeared from her purse and she was in tears, demanding to go home.  We hung in long enough to order a new birth certificate and get some other business done, but we can't get a new license until she gets the birth certificate.  We even tried to renew her license online, but since it had been expired over a year, there was nothing we could do.  Another casualty to the digital divide.

I didn't realize how traumatic this could be for her.  There's no way she could have made it through that alone and I wonder how often the burecratic process is just beyond the capacity of those it's made to serve.  It looks like it may be pretty often.  Frankly, what iDignity does is great and it's a wonder they can do it at all.  It's a lot of volunteers going through mountains of paperwork.  Restoring a person's identity is daunting under good circumstances.  For someone who is homeless or disabled, it's unbelievable.  Doing it without a friend would have been impossible.

I can't help "the homeless" or "the disabled" in my city.  I can help my friend, together with the others that have come to her aid.  She is an encouragement to me too--sometimes just for hanging in there when she's tired and beyond her limits.  We Christians often talk about loving the poor and down out as a general principle--usually by sending money for someone else to do the dirty work.  It's a lot more comfortable that way.  I didn't need a lot of money, just the time and patience to do paperwork--which isn't that hard.  I didn't help a whole bunch of people, just one.  She's going to need help for a long time, just like every other person in that line, and many more who couldn't handle that line.  One veteran just ended up leaving without even getting a number--he was off to get a beer, and it was hard to blame him.  I watched my friend try to encourage him to both stick around and seek God--to no avail.

We did make it through and He did uphold us with His righteous right hand.  He even gave us a lead on getting a new driver for Celebrate Recovery to pick up people from the homeless shelter.  It was a good day and I love how He works.

Awe and silence

"¹⁴ The Spirit lifted me up and took me away. I went in bitterness and turmoil, but the Lord’s hold on me was strong. ¹⁵ Then I came to the colony of Judean exiles in Tel-abib, beside the Kebar River. I was overwhelmed and sat among them for seven days."  Ezekiel 3:14-15

This is the state of mind Ezekiel was in after his first encounter with the Lord in Heaven.  He was on sensory overload and overwhelmed with the messages that God had given him.  I can't say that I've seen anything like what he saw, but it's been an amazing week seeing God work and I can relate.  My mind is reeling in amazement and wonder.  My mouth would be agape if I could open it at all. 

I'm beginning to understand awe and I have yet to even see Him in person.  What have I seen?  I've seen:

• Prayers answered in moments
• Comfort sent to a wounded warrior in the battle to restore addicts
• Comforters of the grieving, comforted
• Forgiveness and restoration anticipated before the offense
• A house of prayer ministering on the doorstep of homeless hotels
• dozens of kids in a missions camp come to know Jesus for themselves
• personalized comfort in the night and encouragement from friends
• A belived Christian Saint rejoicing in the weakness that God is granting him as a tool to take his mission work to another level

"But afterward the people will return and devote themselves to the Lord their God and to David’s descendant, their king. In the last days, they will tremble in awe of the Lord and of his goodness."  Hosea 3:5

Dreamscaping 10-Timing is everything

Moses was 80 years old when God came back to him with the dream of freeing his people from their slavery.  At that point, he didn't even remember the dream.  When God finally laid down the law and refused to let Moses out of his own dream's fulfilment it happened suddenly--over a matter of a few months. 

Last night I opened to Isaiah 60--a passage that speaks of the new Jerusalem.  At the very end in verse 22 is this promise: 

"I am the Lord;  in its time I will do this swiftly."

I called a friend this morning to check on her.  Her circumstances are difficult and not likely to change without a miracle.  Her instructions from the Father are to wait on Him--He has it all under control. 

Mom and Baby PJ--12 years ago!!

It bears repeating that when God works it's more like pregnancy than frantic action.  When it comes time to deliver, then things happen swiftly, but otherwise the changes consist of a gradual stretching.  After the delivery, the work is a joy as you care for a child you deeply love.  Our sons are entering their teenage years and we are both so astounded and proud of the Godly young men they are becoming.  Neither of us remember all of the work through the years that brought them to that place.  Even their painful deliveries are no more than a faded memory.  Neither of us care about the continuing work that goes on with them to this day--it is our priviledge, not a burden. 

Jesus came "in the fullness of time."  We had 3 years of His ministry to us out of 7,000 years of recorded history.  His death and resurrection came and went in a matter of days.  Yet, even though it was a pinpoint in history, the impact remains and His nurturing care continues in us and through us. 

The point is, whatever season you are in, do the work and enjoy the company!  If it is a season of carrying an unborn dream, nurture yourself well.  Accept the stretching.  Revel in the Father's support.  If it is delivery time, then work with all your heart.  It won't last long and He's by your side.  If it is the long season of nurturing and care, revel in it as well--we are but a vapor, but what God says and does will be eternal.  Rejoice in the Lord of the conception, the birth, the growth and the harvest.   Move with His timing for He is the one who sets times and seasons.  Most importantly, pray continually so you can understand the time you are in and enjoy His company along the way.

Tired

I hadn't wanted to post over the last week because I'm just tired. Bone tired. Exhausted. Pooped. Turns out my little germ magnet has Influenza Type A and I probably gave it to her last week. Her cough sounds bad, but isn't frequent. She had a high fever yesterday but she's just warm today. Happy as a clam even though she's sick as a dog. I think I'm going to call this clam-dog syndrome.

These are also unexpected blessing days. When I dropped of Kate's prescription at our local beleaguered WalMart, they put a rush on it and told me to come back in an hour. Kate looked like she was ready to collapse in exhaustion and I felt about the same--but what else can you do?? So I decided we would use the time to enjoy something special and recharge. Spoiling time!! Ice cream, cokes, Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs and a happy mommy and daughter--tired still, but not as bad.

As soon as we were done with our treat, we remembered the birthday party Kate has this weekend. The birthday queen is Kate's chaperone and companion in Kindergarten--an unrecognized benefactor (and beneficiary) of inclusion. It was a delight to see Katie enjoy going through the toy aisle with her friend, not herself, in mind. In the end, she was surprisingly decisive--it will be the Barbie on a bicycle instead of the Cinderella and the bejewelled steed.

I often wonder how much Katie understands. Her language still has so far to go. It would be easy to assume that there is so much she misses. I'm continually delighted by how much she catches. The local Down syndrome association had their annual clinic this weekend and it pained me to explain to the university speech researcher how little nuance we get from Kate. It seems like asking the question, "What do you like best about your friend?" is akin to asking "What is the primary geological formation on the moon?" We've been torn as to whether to move her forward with her classmates into 1st grade or keep her in Kindergarten (again--3rd time) to give her a chance to be able to achive more before moving ahead. She's still spotty on her colors. She sounds out 3 letter words, but barely speaks full sentences on her own. Memorize the word "of"?? Does she even use it yet? And yes, Katie, 16 does belong in the number line regardless of your preferences on it. As the researcher described working on conceptual frameworks, it felt like we still have so far to go. Then Katie actually came into the room and after about 2 minutes of interaction, the researcher said, "This is not at all what I envisioned from your description--her prognosis for next year is really good." So the details are still spotty--the gestalt is in place.

One of the Senior Associates at our office has been enthralled by the book, A Whole New Mind, by Daniel Pink. The endorsement on the front of the book is euphoric: "This book is a miracle. Completely original and profound!" He uses Left Brain/Right Brain neurological concepts to put forth the thesis that it is those right-brain activities, supported by their left brain underpinnings that will help you succeed, win the day, bring back the life to our searching world. The neurology wasn't new. The concept that most low level rote technical folk can be replaced by a machine isn't particularly surprising. The pathways to stimulate and grow the 6 "new" essential senses have all been around for awhile. I'm glad that people are beginning to recognize the need for whole brained thought--it has often felt like it was only recognized as hair-brained.

The most interesting point he makes in the book is a need for transcendence that has arisen out of our affluence. I've been praying that this would be so and watching as it happens. We have satisfied all of our physical needs and nearly all of our wants, and still find ourselves wanting. I see what Katie can't do and hurt for her, hoping that there is more--that there can be more. Ecclesiastes 3:11 has been my life verse for over a decade now and it's interesting how often it shows how profound God brought Solomon to be:

"He (God) has made all things beautiful in His time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men yet they cannot fathom the scope of it from beginning to end." (my parphrase)

So it's ok to wait to see what will happen--He will make things beautiful on his timetable, not ours. The details are important, but may not tell the whole story. In the end, the point of view that will matter is His--we just won't get it all, even if He has set the desire and overall understanding in our hearts in the first place. There have been times in my life when I've understood the big picture and where we fit in it. It didn't make things any easier. The only thing that made it truly ok is the knowledge that we are loved profoundly and that will never change. I am not transcendent, but I know the One who is and He knows me and that makes eternity my friend as well.

Blessings,
Tricia (and Kate)