More than enough...

There was a time when I was in High School that I made a fatal error.  I was at the height of enjoying my Heavenly Father.  Ministry stuff was going great.  I was beginning to take college classes.  Despite all that was going right, my heart ached and I couldn't place why.  I wasn't a loner, but I was lonely.  I cried out to God one night that He wasn't enough--I needed people in my life.  What my heart was saying was that I needed a man in my life.  My dad was busy as a schoolteacher and I just didn't feel treasured by anyone.  Every woman needs someone to tell her she is beautiful, but instead of going to my Heavenly Father to meet that need, I assessed Him as inadequate to it.  I reasoned if it wasn't good for man to be alone, then how could a "derived creature" like woman be good alone. 

What came next was predictable.  Like the Israelites who demanded a King, God gave me what I asked for.  In His graciousness, He gave me a good man on the whole, but even a good man makes a terrible god.  He constantly demanded I prove my love for him and took great pleasure in pushing me farther and farther every time we met.  This continued into our marriage and became the nightmare anyone could have predicted.  He is still a good man but he is also still a terrible god.  He has wounds of his own and my need for a minor deity has often kept me from adequately tending to his wounds or holding him accountable for his own healing. 

Over the last year, I have renounced that vow within my own heart.  Jesus is indeed more than enough for me and any time I am tempted to think otherwise, I push harder into Him.  I continually find He is more than sufficient for my needs.  He reminds me that in His eyes, I am beautifully perfect and that He is perfecting all that concerns me.  He tells me that He has loved me with an everlasting love and that He has drawn me with unfailing kindness to Himself.  He rejoices over me with singing.  He has written my name in the palm of His hand. 

It's hard to dethrone a god.  Subtle fears and devotions must give way.  Rather than blindly doing all that he wants, no questions asked, I have to make choices about who I am going to honor.  I have to respond as a servant but an equal and a joint-heir to the inheritance of salvation.  I have to speak up when I am hurt rather than cow-tow or placate. 

Make no mistake.  It was my need for something that my husband could never be that placed us in such a horrible position.  We've been together for a quarter of a century and we won't get free of this problem overnight but we will get free. 

Father, I thank You for being my God.  Only You are sufficient to the task.  I again renounce any other gods I have placed before You and lay my heart at Your feet.  I trust You completely with my life. 

In sickness and in health

This week has been a sickie week here.  I hung out in bed all day Sunday and a good chunk of yesterday.  PJ was home yesterday too.  I can't tell if it's an achy head cold or a nasty bout of allergies, but we are definately dragging.  We even stayed home last night--and I hate missing CR and PJ hated missing Boy Scouts.  We're still pretty sluggish and I don't know what the day brings.  I have some quiet work to do today but we may not do much more. 

In a marriage, we vow to care for each other in sickness and in health (kudos to John on that one).  We've both been struggling with low grade, chronic illnesses for years.  Of course, Katie also has Down syndrome and PJ has major developmental gaps (and that's just what we know about). 

Our relationship with Jesus is also not conditioned on our health.  In all of our struggles, our heavenly Father has been faithful and gracious.  He has frequently shown us where healing can be found, but even more, He is faithful even when we are sick.  Although we've had setbacks, we also choose continually to be faithful, even when we can't be well.  We also choose to be faithful when we are well--and rejoice in the strength to care for others.

We live in a fallen world.  Sickness happens.  We also "wrestle not with flesh and blood, but with principalities and powers."  We are in a war and although the field of battle may be our bodies, the most critical enemy is spiritual, not physical.  With Job, we can say, "Though He slay me, still I'll trust in Him." 

The other day on the way to PJ's school, the Lord reminded me that the coldest, cruelest people I've ever known were those who have never been touched by illness, fear, lack or discomfort.  At that moment, I rejoiced with the Lord over the infirmities that PJ has had and has seen in all of us.  An understanding of weakness breeds compassion and dependence on God--something that PJ shows frequently.  Had all gone perfectly, PJ might not know what it is like to struggle to learn or sit still and could have mocked those who are not so fortunate with no regard for their Maker. 

I would take those struggles away from all of us in a heartbeat if I could.  My Lord is wiser. I cannot imagine the pain He endures as He watches us suffer, but for the joy set before Him, He again endures it for our good.  I have asked for healing.  He has provided wise and compassionate souls rather than sound and secure bodies, though when His work is complete, He heals our bodies so that we may serve Him.  Again, I stand in awe of the severe mercies of my dear Friend. 

Thank You, Father, Friend and Love...

Personal or Corporate Worship?? Yes.

The last section of Step 4 (Inventory) was about our church experience.  In many ways, I have very few issues ragarding the church.  I've been through several church splits and I'm not pain free, but for the most part, the church has been a place of ministry and encouragement.  As we discussed the topic, I realized that although I love my church, it really isn't a place I worship.  It's a place I serve, and I delight to see what God does as we work together.  I suppose, I worship as I rejoice to see what He does, but worship is rarely a part of my own experience there. 

Don't get me wrong, our church has an amazing worship team.  Not only are they unbelievably talented, they love the Lord and their worship is heartfelt and wonderful.  It's just that I have come to enjoy my own private worship time with the Lord so much.  That evening, when I wistfully pined to My Father, puzzled about "missing out" on the "experience" of corporate worship, He graced me with an amazing evening of passionate, graceful worship.  I felt a tinge of discomfort about being swept away in the emotion of the evening and feared the emptiness afterward, but there was none.  As a teenager, I often found that these passionate experiences would be followed by the day to day frustrations, and I felt unchanged.  I came to distrust these experiences for that reason, but my every day experience is very different than it was then.  The passion and power I experience (and need) continually has an intensity of its own that individual experiences cannot match. 

These day-to-day experiences with Christ, in the Word, in my own heart, in each and every moment do continually transform me.  I have serious trust issues.  Although my parents loved and cared for me, they were human and have failed me.  I've struggled to work in teams because I would often have to carry the majority of the burden because other team members couldn't keep up (or I couldn't let go).  John is human as well and although he is trustworthy in the practical affairs of life, he doesn't always know how to help me feel loved.  We have experienced great loss through the years and I have just as frequently let myself down.    Day by day, Jesus reveals Himself as trustworthy and little by little I learn to truly rely on Him.  As I let my guard down to Him, He comes through and His rescue is amazing and elicits my profoundest worship.  These are the worship experiences that transform me.  He has wooed me tenderly, gently in the way I my heart needs to let down its defenses.  I am smitten.  This type of worship has become richer through the years.  We have had breathless experiences together in the midst of thousands of worshipers.  We have had quiet moments in a dirty kitchen.  I'm loving every minute. 

Loved

As I look through my prayer journals, there's often a theme that my Friend continually reiterates.  For many years, it has been "Trust Me."  In this season, it has been:

"I love you." 

Love Poured Out
Tracey Bautista

Every woman desperately needs to know she is loved.  She can do anything as long as she feels it deep down in her heart.  She can gently, softly move the entire world.  Without it, she is a hollowed out shell, going through the motions, "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." 

I am not immune.  I need it as much as any other woman.  We are derived creatures, formidible and amazing, but created for the purpose of serving others; created to be gratefully adored.  This need leaves us vulnerable as we seek for that life-giving love from those we serve.  This is the essence of codependency:  I will serve and care for you in return for the love that defines me.  I will torment you with my service if you cannot or will not fill the aching hole in my heart.  In the end, it destroys both the lover and that which she loves.  The truth is that no man, no family can provide the kind of love that she needs to fill her heart and overflow into truly unconditional service. 

Man and woman were created together to grow into the full stature of Christ.  Jesus could give without expecting anything in return because of the love that His Father poured into and over him.  Without that love pouring into me, I will pour out what little I have and be left aching.  With His love, I am complete.  It takes a complete love to fill me.  It takes Hesed--the loyal lovingkindness only Jesus gives. 

As a pitcher, I run dry.  As a pipe, I can't help getting wet.  That's why Paul encourages us to, "Pray without ceasing."  It is not for God's sake that we pray continually.  We pray continually because we constantly need to be in contact with the source of the love that keeps us soft and pliable.  We give out love and care all the time.  If we are not connected to the source to be renewed, we will run out long before the need runs out.  When I rush around my day without contact with the Holy Spirit, I end the day feeling drained.  When I move in concert with His presence, I am continually refreshed and fall asleep contentedly with praise on my lips.  I am the branch.  He is the vine.  Apart from Him, I can do nothing but wither and die.

Men have slightly different needs, but they need to be connected all the same.  I'll talk about that tomorrow. 

Thank You, Father, Friend and the Lover of my Soul.  You are my source and I enjoy You. Keep me near You today.

Overflow

My education pastor finds the coolest stuff...Last night we looked at how music can be a part of our quiet time.  He points out that lyrics are basically poems that contain deep truth in compact packages.  This one really hit me (I even bought it for myself):

She could have been spying on my own journals:

Fill my weak with strength
Fill my full with more
Fill my soul with hope
And fill my faith with Yours
I'm desperate for You...

 

 

Consume every part of me
For I'm missing nothing
The more I seek You I find that You are here

I see my weakness.  I see my fullness.  Together, they amount to nothing.  If I don't have Him, filling me to overflowing I am nothing.  I have feared every day that He would leave me to my own, substantial, devices--but it wouldn't be even close to enough.  Once you have tasted Him, nothing comes close. 

 

 

Over the last few months, the Lord has been gently reminding me that He is and has been here the whole time.  As desperate as I am for his resources, I have never been without them--I only needed to look up.  I am still frantic at times.  I am terrified I will forget and rely on my own resources.  He reminds me both in my journal time with Him and by the gentle orchestrations within my own life that He is always here.  He is always laying out good work for me to do and He is always providing the resources I need to do it.  I am beginning to exhale.  I am beginning to trust. 

It's about time.  

Awe and silence

"¹⁴ The Spirit lifted me up and took me away. I went in bitterness and turmoil, but the Lord’s hold on me was strong. ¹⁵ Then I came to the colony of Judean exiles in Tel-abib, beside the Kebar River. I was overwhelmed and sat among them for seven days."  Ezekiel 3:14-15

This is the state of mind Ezekiel was in after his first encounter with the Lord in Heaven.  He was on sensory overload and overwhelmed with the messages that God had given him.  I can't say that I've seen anything like what he saw, but it's been an amazing week seeing God work and I can relate.  My mind is reeling in amazement and wonder.  My mouth would be agape if I could open it at all. 

I'm beginning to understand awe and I have yet to even see Him in person.  What have I seen?  I've seen:

• Prayers answered in moments
• Comfort sent to a wounded warrior in the battle to restore addicts
• Comforters of the grieving, comforted
• Forgiveness and restoration anticipated before the offense
• A house of prayer ministering on the doorstep of homeless hotels
• dozens of kids in a missions camp come to know Jesus for themselves
• personalized comfort in the night and encouragement from friends
• A belived Christian Saint rejoicing in the weakness that God is granting him as a tool to take his mission work to another level

"But afterward the people will return and devote themselves to the Lord their God and to David’s descendant, their king. In the last days, they will tremble in awe of the Lord and of his goodness."  Hosea 3:5

Dreamscaping 6--God sized dreams need God sized love

“The LORD will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.” Psalm 138:8 NLT

  

This verse contains one of my favorite words in the Hebrew language, Hesed.  It is the essence of the love described in I Corinthians 13--the Love chapter.  I love that it's in this particular verse because it is His lovingkindness--His Hesed--that reassures me that God's dreams are worth pursuing, because He is the one who will work it all out. 

The cry of the psalmist is honest.  Sometimes, as we move forward into the planning stages for the dreams God has given us, it suddenly becomes obvious that God only does God-sized things.  Without Him doing it, it won't get done.  We get the joy of joining Him in it, but make no mistake:  only God does miracles.

 

 

He created us to join Him in the miracles He does, no less than He made Peter bold enough to ask to walk on water with Him.  Something strange happens then...we realize we've stepped into something much bigger than we can do--and it's scary.  That's when Jesus grabs us, pulling us out of the wind and waves that scared us and chuckles, "Why did you doubt?"  His tender mercies could never let us drown.  He made us for this. 

For those who love to read as much as I do, I have a couple of book recommendations:   

You Were Born For This and The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson.  Both are outstanding and talk candidly about the decions we have to make when we realize that this dream of God's is beyond what we can do.