My provider

Yesterday, I had a meltdown in the middle of the day.  No one was here.  I needed to consult with PJ's therapy director but I just couldn't bear the weight of my pain anymore.  I usually do pretty well in general.  I know the path I'm on.  It's not an easy one, but I know my life is going in the right direction.  I'm walking in obedience and it's just a matter of being disciplined enough to stay on the path.  Unfortunately, my dreams at night tend to trip me up a bit.  That's when I have to come face to face with the pain of this path in ways I can't blow off.  So I had a meltdown.

As I laid in my bed in the agony of brokenheartedness, the phone rang.  That meant that I had to get up.  The Lord sent a good friend to comfort and encourage me.  She knows the struggles I face.  She knows how painful they are.  She called just to listen and encourage.  It was important to know that I am not alone.  It didn't change the path.  It didn't eliminate the pain, but it did help me recenter on Jesus and carry on. 

After my friend picked me up off the floor, I was able to meet with PJ's therapy director who helped me prioritize his work and moved me forward in getting him help.  Last night, PJ had great victories to tell me about from school.  This morning there was a small crack in the issues that hurt me the most.  Even my dog came and gave me big sloppy kisses to comfort my heart.  One of my morning devotionals was right to the point as well, reminding me that until I get the core issue dealt with, these things will remain unbearable.  The catch is that the core issue isn't my issue, so all I can do to deal with it is continue to choose to starve it out, like starving out a cancer, until the Father can be allowed to remove it surgically. 

Sometimes the way we have to walk is not going to be easy.  James tells us:

^"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."--James 1:2-4

Ginny Owens once said in reference to this verse: "So there's going to come a day when I don't lack anything?!?  Well, it's not now!"  I'm not there yet either, but He promises we will get there.  In the meantime, my great Provider gives me all it takes to perservere. 

Thanks, Father!

Personal or Corporate Worship?? Yes.

The last section of Step 4 (Inventory) was about our church experience.  In many ways, I have very few issues ragarding the church.  I've been through several church splits and I'm not pain free, but for the most part, the church has been a place of ministry and encouragement.  As we discussed the topic, I realized that although I love my church, it really isn't a place I worship.  It's a place I serve, and I delight to see what God does as we work together.  I suppose, I worship as I rejoice to see what He does, but worship is rarely a part of my own experience there. 

Don't get me wrong, our church has an amazing worship team.  Not only are they unbelievably talented, they love the Lord and their worship is heartfelt and wonderful.  It's just that I have come to enjoy my own private worship time with the Lord so much.  That evening, when I wistfully pined to My Father, puzzled about "missing out" on the "experience" of corporate worship, He graced me with an amazing evening of passionate, graceful worship.  I felt a tinge of discomfort about being swept away in the emotion of the evening and feared the emptiness afterward, but there was none.  As a teenager, I often found that these passionate experiences would be followed by the day to day frustrations, and I felt unchanged.  I came to distrust these experiences for that reason, but my every day experience is very different than it was then.  The passion and power I experience (and need) continually has an intensity of its own that individual experiences cannot match. 

These day-to-day experiences with Christ, in the Word, in my own heart, in each and every moment do continually transform me.  I have serious trust issues.  Although my parents loved and cared for me, they were human and have failed me.  I've struggled to work in teams because I would often have to carry the majority of the burden because other team members couldn't keep up (or I couldn't let go).  John is human as well and although he is trustworthy in the practical affairs of life, he doesn't always know how to help me feel loved.  We have experienced great loss through the years and I have just as frequently let myself down.    Day by day, Jesus reveals Himself as trustworthy and little by little I learn to truly rely on Him.  As I let my guard down to Him, He comes through and His rescue is amazing and elicits my profoundest worship.  These are the worship experiences that transform me.  He has wooed me tenderly, gently in the way I my heart needs to let down its defenses.  I am smitten.  This type of worship has become richer through the years.  We have had breathless experiences together in the midst of thousands of worshipers.  We have had quiet moments in a dirty kitchen.  I'm loving every minute. 

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

Collage by Altered Angel

A few days ago, I wrote about taking every thought captive.  David frequently fought depression and fear, yet his actions rarely showed his inner struggle.  Throughout the Psalms, he gives us great examples of how to take our thoughts captive.  One of the best examples is in Ps. 42 and 43.  The chorus of the song always comes back to:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. 

David recognizes that his emotional state is temporary so he disciplines his thoughts to return to the good times before God rather than staying in a place of agony.  Even when his thoughts return to his pain, he drags them back to memories of worship.  He meditates on the possibilities of worship in the future, turning that thought over in his mind again and again. 

During my own long seasons of depression, I remained in the Psalms for years.  There are 150 Psalms, which means you can read 5 a day every month or you can take 5 months to go through the book.  The 31st of each month I'd do a few stanzas from Ps 119--just because it is long.  The praise would lift my heart.  The cries of distress would echo my own aches.  Through it all, I would be continually reminded that God is good and recentering my thoughts on Him would yield fruit if I waited. 

It will yield fruit for you too...

Awe and silence

"¹⁴ The Spirit lifted me up and took me away. I went in bitterness and turmoil, but the Lord’s hold on me was strong. ¹⁵ Then I came to the colony of Judean exiles in Tel-abib, beside the Kebar River. I was overwhelmed and sat among them for seven days."  Ezekiel 3:14-15

This is the state of mind Ezekiel was in after his first encounter with the Lord in Heaven.  He was on sensory overload and overwhelmed with the messages that God had given him.  I can't say that I've seen anything like what he saw, but it's been an amazing week seeing God work and I can relate.  My mind is reeling in amazement and wonder.  My mouth would be agape if I could open it at all. 

I'm beginning to understand awe and I have yet to even see Him in person.  What have I seen?  I've seen:

• Prayers answered in moments
• Comfort sent to a wounded warrior in the battle to restore addicts
• Comforters of the grieving, comforted
• Forgiveness and restoration anticipated before the offense
• A house of prayer ministering on the doorstep of homeless hotels
• dozens of kids in a missions camp come to know Jesus for themselves
• personalized comfort in the night and encouragement from friends
• A belived Christian Saint rejoicing in the weakness that God is granting him as a tool to take his mission work to another level

"But afterward the people will return and devote themselves to the Lord their God and to David’s descendant, their king. In the last days, they will tremble in awe of the Lord and of his goodness."  Hosea 3:5

Dreamscaping 14--Poured out...

This weekend's sermon was on the story of how Jesus recognized the widow who gave two coins.  The point of the sermon was that it's not how much you give--it's about what's left over.  In this series on dreamscaping, I've talked a lot about what God does, but He chooses to do it through us.  At the end of Paul's life, he said: 

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." II Tim 4:6. 

A drink offering was completely drained out over the offering on the alter until it was drained dry.  The pastor spoke about an experienced marathoner who told his own sons that if they finish the race with anything left over, they haven't run their best race.  I hear in Paul's voice the satisfaction that he left nothing on the table; the joy of finishing well.  This week I've been wrapping up a work project and I've been asking my prayer partners to pray that I finish well.  I'm still asking that, but I was in for a surprise. 

See, I'm struggling to declutter and get free of the stuff around my life.  I feel like I don't even know where to begin sometimes and I feel like what I give is so small.  When the pastor talks about what's left, what I see is a lot left around me.

As I came out of the prayer room last night, I watched as an older woman hugged and held a younger woman as they both cried.  When the younger woman left, the older one was still there crying.  I reached out and held her and talked with her for a few minutes, encouraging her to release her niece to Jesus as she grieves.  It's a lesson I learned earlier last week.  Then as I walked down the hallway to join my husband in the service, another woman I barely know was walking beside me and asked if she could sit with me, but it was clear that she needed more than that.  We sat in the back and she cried for the rest of the service as I comforted her and prayed with her.  Then, in the middle of the night, the Lord woke me and after a sweet time together, another, very troubled friend called (at 3:00 am!!) crying because her food stamps hadn't come in, even though I had tried to help her get them the information they needed to continue them.  Each time, I had the priviledge of pointing them back to the Father's resources, His comfort, His care for them.  (We did eventually have to set some boundaries on that one...but that's another story). 

What I realized this morning as I finally listened to the sermon for myself was that when I looked at what I had to give of my stuff, the Lord looked at what I had to give of my time and care.  I don't know that I'll always end up being the one people cry with, but I don't mind for now.  It's ok.  I know that I left nothing He asked for on the table.  I didn't even get to see most of the sermon during that time--my time was all used up and I wouldn't have it any other way.  It was my joy to direct them to Him, whether they were able to do that right then or not.  Years ago, I gave it all to Him.  It's still His--the stuff and the non-stuff. 

Don't be afraid to give it all.  What He wants is your heart.  Leave none of it on the table and He'll have all He needs of everything you have.  Of course, an empty vessel begs refilling, and He is delighted to do it--the pipe can't help getting wet. 

Crisis and failure...

 
I have a dear friend who went through a serious crisis again this week.  She's experienced significant pain throughout her life, both physical and emotional, and it often erupts in gut-wrenching crisis without warning.  Early in our relationship I committed that I would hang in with her, knowing that it wouldn't be easy.  But, as a part of that commitment, I promised her that I would continually redirect her to Jesus as the source for her hope.  I know I have nothing to offer her that will fix her life.  It took her 49 years to get to this place.  Only God can get her out of it. 

This week, I failed her.  The crisis came in hot and fast.  It was life and death.  It was weeping and gnashing of teeth.  I managed the circumstances.  I worked the details.  There were a lot of details that needed addressing.  I thought I encouraged her family to support her, but found out later they only saw it as being pushy.  Worst of all, the closest I could do to draw her back to Christ was to ask her again if God is good (as she knows He is), and encourage her to choose loyalty to Him over trying to please her unpleasble dying father. 

Even more, in failing her, I failed myself.  Every time I've been able to bring her back to Jesus, it has also allowed me to release her back to His care for my own sake.  I have repented and released her again, but it makes my heart ache knowing that I only committed to do one thing and didn't do it well.  I spent time helping her that I needed to spend on my own home and family. 

I will learn better.  I will do better.  I will love my Lord and friend better. 

^"12 Not that I have already obtained all this or have already reached my goal, but I press on in order to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider to have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching out to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."--Phil 3:12-14

Neon Stop Signs

 "Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything."
Ps. 46:10 (MSG)

I think it's funny that my dear Friend would orchestrate this amazing verse to refer to my career, not just my life.  (I happen to be a transportation engineer and planner.)  It's as if he wrote a huge, flashing neon sign saying, "This means you!!"

Being still is not something I innately treasure, though it has become a delight as I grow older and busier.  Without time to take that long loving look at my Lord Jesus, I end up working like the devil--hurried, frantic and ineffective--"All sound and fury signifying nothing."  I look like I'm doing a bunch but nothing gets accomplished. 

That's when I have to make a choice:  Do I want to look good or be good?  Do I want to please men or God?  Proverbs 29:25 tells us the fear of man (people pleasing) is a snare.  When the boss shows up, people cry "Look busy!!" but that is a kind of work that just wears you out.  God's work is the kind of work that happens in pregnancy.  You do what you can and He does the real work.  That's what Jesus talked about when He said, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light."  It's not about image, it's about growing and stretching so that something vibrant and alive can be birthed in and through you. 

Father, I love Your stillness.  It gives me solid ground for standing and clarity of mind.  Thanks!

Fully alive, made in God's image

"The glory of God is man fully alive, and the life of man is the vision of God."--Saint Irenaeus

Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” Gen. 1:26

"How deep the Father's Love for us/How vast beyond all measure/that He should give his only Son/to make a wretch His treasure."--Stewart Townend
"I just showed up/for my own life/and I'm standing here taking it in/and it sure looks bright."--Sara Groves

This practice of feeling before God is wonderful and painful, but it beats the alternative.  Life is painful.  It's easy to want to avoid that pain, but the alternative is death: a hollowed out existence like the sound of a calliope ever circling and going nowhere.  It is clear that God didn't see Adam as the final version of who He made man to become or He would not desire that we become conformed to the image of Christ.  Jesus was known as a "man of sorrows, aquainted with grief," yet it was He, "who for the JOY set before Him, endured the cross."  The two emotions are inextricably linked.  It took tremendous pain to get to that joy.  It always will for us as well.  We could not become like Him without that pain.

Feel it. There is joy beyond.