Personal or Corporate Worship?? Yes.

The last section of Step 4 (Inventory) was about our church experience.  In many ways, I have very few issues ragarding the church.  I've been through several church splits and I'm not pain free, but for the most part, the church has been a place of ministry and encouragement.  As we discussed the topic, I realized that although I love my church, it really isn't a place I worship.  It's a place I serve, and I delight to see what God does as we work together.  I suppose, I worship as I rejoice to see what He does, but worship is rarely a part of my own experience there. 

Don't get me wrong, our church has an amazing worship team.  Not only are they unbelievably talented, they love the Lord and their worship is heartfelt and wonderful.  It's just that I have come to enjoy my own private worship time with the Lord so much.  That evening, when I wistfully pined to My Father, puzzled about "missing out" on the "experience" of corporate worship, He graced me with an amazing evening of passionate, graceful worship.  I felt a tinge of discomfort about being swept away in the emotion of the evening and feared the emptiness afterward, but there was none.  As a teenager, I often found that these passionate experiences would be followed by the day to day frustrations, and I felt unchanged.  I came to distrust these experiences for that reason, but my every day experience is very different than it was then.  The passion and power I experience (and need) continually has an intensity of its own that individual experiences cannot match. 

These day-to-day experiences with Christ, in the Word, in my own heart, in each and every moment do continually transform me.  I have serious trust issues.  Although my parents loved and cared for me, they were human and have failed me.  I've struggled to work in teams because I would often have to carry the majority of the burden because other team members couldn't keep up (or I couldn't let go).  John is human as well and although he is trustworthy in the practical affairs of life, he doesn't always know how to help me feel loved.  We have experienced great loss through the years and I have just as frequently let myself down.    Day by day, Jesus reveals Himself as trustworthy and little by little I learn to truly rely on Him.  As I let my guard down to Him, He comes through and His rescue is amazing and elicits my profoundest worship.  These are the worship experiences that transform me.  He has wooed me tenderly, gently in the way I my heart needs to let down its defenses.  I am smitten.  This type of worship has become richer through the years.  We have had breathless experiences together in the midst of thousands of worshipers.  We have had quiet moments in a dirty kitchen.  I'm loving every minute. 

A breather...

Life is not always a flower strewn path.  It's often through the brambles.  Still, sometimes you get to stop for a minute and revel in the stillness of God and the beauty of His creation. 

Be with Him.

Enjoy Him.

He's waiting for you.

"If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."  Jer. 29:13

What makes me a good steward of my belief...

A friend asked today: "I would like for you all to weigh in on what makes anyone a good steward of their belief."  This is a really good question.  The verse that immediately came to mind is this: 

"I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day."  II Timothy 1:12  (it's even a song...that's why I have it memorized in King James--Sorry for the antique language.)

To me, being a good steward of Biblical Christianity is pretty well summed up in this verse:

1. I know the One I have believed.   I also know He is Holy and I am not. I cannot live up to His standard of Holiness any more than I could jump the Grand Canyon. I am not worthy of being in relationship with Him but He has made a way.  Therefore, I know Him more intimately than I know my own husband and He knows me even more intimately than that.  My stewardship involves daily, consistently cultivating that relationship by seeking Him for myself. 
2. I am pursuaded He is able.  I have seen by experience that He is trustworthy.  I continue to choose to trust Him.  I am also pursuaded that I am not able.  No good works of mine could erase my inability to be fit to be in relationship with Him without something to bridge that gap.  I don't just feel guilty.  I am culpable before a living God who has the right to demand of me complete perfection to be in His presence.
3. He is able to keep all that I have committed unto Him.  Since I cannot remedy this predicament, I have committed myself and my fate to His remedy.  To the best of my ability, I have committed all I have and am to His Lordship.  I am a part of His Kingdom because I choose for Him to be King in all of my affairs.
4. Against That Day.  There is a day for which I have had good reason to be afraid.  One who loves infinitely is also infinitely injured by the abuses I have caused to those He loves.  True love requires justice.  I should be held accountable for that which I have done that isn't consistent with His love for others--even if it's just missing the mark.  That is the definition of sin--missing God's mark.  Biblical Christianity recognizes this.  The fair wages to be paid for sin are death (I John 1:9).  I was created to be in relationship with God and my snubs of Him and His standards are worthy of death.  Jesus had no penalty to pay for himself and was therefore able to pay the wages for what I have done, along with the rest of humanity.  It is a free gift and includes both eternal life and adoption into His own family.  Of course, as a part of the family, there are house rules--some of which I can't yet keep--but I deeply want to.  As a dearly loved child, I desire to become like my beloved Daddy.  I obey out of profound gratitude for all He has done for me.   Obedience is only possible because He has given His own Holy Spirit to write His law on my heart in the context of an ongoing intimate relationship.  I do have the option to follow the poem Invictus, choosing to be the "master of my own fate", and God will allow that choice.  He will not force Himself on us.  He has created a place where He Is Not for those who want to be their own masters, but it is described as burning with the intensity of brimstone.  It is a place of intense lack, need and unfulfilment.  What else could it be since God is the source of all generosity, provision and good?  If it is true that we were created to be in relationship with God it also means being infinitely thwarted in the very purpose for which we were made.  It is, by definition, a lonely, selfish place created for demons who, after having seen an infinitely good God, have chosen their way over God's way. 

 This is the core of Christianity.  Being a steward of that belief means recognizing the free will of all men and the infinite workings of a soverign, fore-knowing God.  It means doing my best in the power of the Holy Spirit to give everyone I know the opportunity to see the nature of the created universe from the perspective of its Creator who is also my friend. 

It is the default position of the human heart to choose our own way rather than His way, particularly if His way hasn't been made clear and we don't understand the consequences of our own way.  Unencumbered by the facts, our own ideas seem right.  A disabled child might just think she can fly off her 3rd floor AC unit if she doesn't realize the laws of gravity will cause her pain when she hits the ground.  The law of gravity wasn't at fault and wasn't going to change just because she didn't understand it.  Thankfully, Jesus came to catch us, just like the bus driver who caught that little girl and suffered great injury in the catch.  It is their own choice to recognize the laws of the Creator or choose to see only themselves as the final accountability in their world.  Ironically, I don't know anyone who can even live up to their own standards, much less God's.   

People see it as proselytizing. I see it as reality check.  I hope that helps.

Finishing well...

Today I finished the final draft for the last two chapters of the report I've been working on for over a year.  I struggle to finish anything.  I don't know why.  I've been trying to figure it out of months.  The report was due at the end of April, but the model wasn't working so we ended up getting a 3 month extension.  I'll have comments to address over the next few days, but the work is basically finished. 


I know my fears have something to do with the fear of the criticism that will inevitably come with the submission.  I like to please people and I hate it when I don't understand how to give them what they want.  Maybe I fear that I'll lose the meaning of my life when I don't have this to work on anymore--that feels closer, but not on target either.  There are so many times that the Lord places me where I need to be to do good work. 

When I went to the Lord, He told me that this is where I struggle with change.  Some people struggle when new things come along.  I struggle when old things end, particularly if I don't know what's next--and right now I don't know what's next.  I have to stand at the edge of this cliff, waiting and watching for whatever is to come along next.  I know it will come, but I feel more comfortable making progress than sitting still.  I've learned so much about being in the moment and trusting even when I can't see, but it's clear I still have a long way to go. 

I'm believing there is a picnic waiting for me at the edge of this cliff and that He and I will enjoy each other's company. 

Overflow

My education pastor finds the coolest stuff...Last night we looked at how music can be a part of our quiet time.  He points out that lyrics are basically poems that contain deep truth in compact packages.  This one really hit me (I even bought it for myself):

She could have been spying on my own journals:

Fill my weak with strength
Fill my full with more
Fill my soul with hope
And fill my faith with Yours
I'm desperate for You...

 

 

Consume every part of me
For I'm missing nothing
The more I seek You I find that You are here

I see my weakness.  I see my fullness.  Together, they amount to nothing.  If I don't have Him, filling me to overflowing I am nothing.  I have feared every day that He would leave me to my own, substantial, devices--but it wouldn't be even close to enough.  Once you have tasted Him, nothing comes close. 

 

 

Over the last few months, the Lord has been gently reminding me that He is and has been here the whole time.  As desperate as I am for his resources, I have never been without them--I only needed to look up.  I am still frantic at times.  I am terrified I will forget and rely on my own resources.  He reminds me both in my journal time with Him and by the gentle orchestrations within my own life that He is always here.  He is always laying out good work for me to do and He is always providing the resources I need to do it.  I am beginning to exhale.  I am beginning to trust. 

It's about time.  

Awe and silence

"¹⁴ The Spirit lifted me up and took me away. I went in bitterness and turmoil, but the Lord’s hold on me was strong. ¹⁵ Then I came to the colony of Judean exiles in Tel-abib, beside the Kebar River. I was overwhelmed and sat among them for seven days."  Ezekiel 3:14-15

This is the state of mind Ezekiel was in after his first encounter with the Lord in Heaven.  He was on sensory overload and overwhelmed with the messages that God had given him.  I can't say that I've seen anything like what he saw, but it's been an amazing week seeing God work and I can relate.  My mind is reeling in amazement and wonder.  My mouth would be agape if I could open it at all. 

I'm beginning to understand awe and I have yet to even see Him in person.  What have I seen?  I've seen:

• Prayers answered in moments
• Comfort sent to a wounded warrior in the battle to restore addicts
• Comforters of the grieving, comforted
• Forgiveness and restoration anticipated before the offense
• A house of prayer ministering on the doorstep of homeless hotels
• dozens of kids in a missions camp come to know Jesus for themselves
• personalized comfort in the night and encouragement from friends
• A belived Christian Saint rejoicing in the weakness that God is granting him as a tool to take his mission work to another level

"But afterward the people will return and devote themselves to the Lord their God and to David’s descendant, their king. In the last days, they will tremble in awe of the Lord and of his goodness."  Hosea 3:5

Dreamscaping 14--Poured out...

This weekend's sermon was on the story of how Jesus recognized the widow who gave two coins.  The point of the sermon was that it's not how much you give--it's about what's left over.  In this series on dreamscaping, I've talked a lot about what God does, but He chooses to do it through us.  At the end of Paul's life, he said: 

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." II Tim 4:6. 

A drink offering was completely drained out over the offering on the alter until it was drained dry.  The pastor spoke about an experienced marathoner who told his own sons that if they finish the race with anything left over, they haven't run their best race.  I hear in Paul's voice the satisfaction that he left nothing on the table; the joy of finishing well.  This week I've been wrapping up a work project and I've been asking my prayer partners to pray that I finish well.  I'm still asking that, but I was in for a surprise. 

See, I'm struggling to declutter and get free of the stuff around my life.  I feel like I don't even know where to begin sometimes and I feel like what I give is so small.  When the pastor talks about what's left, what I see is a lot left around me.

As I came out of the prayer room last night, I watched as an older woman hugged and held a younger woman as they both cried.  When the younger woman left, the older one was still there crying.  I reached out and held her and talked with her for a few minutes, encouraging her to release her niece to Jesus as she grieves.  It's a lesson I learned earlier last week.  Then as I walked down the hallway to join my husband in the service, another woman I barely know was walking beside me and asked if she could sit with me, but it was clear that she needed more than that.  We sat in the back and she cried for the rest of the service as I comforted her and prayed with her.  Then, in the middle of the night, the Lord woke me and after a sweet time together, another, very troubled friend called (at 3:00 am!!) crying because her food stamps hadn't come in, even though I had tried to help her get them the information they needed to continue them.  Each time, I had the priviledge of pointing them back to the Father's resources, His comfort, His care for them.  (We did eventually have to set some boundaries on that one...but that's another story). 

What I realized this morning as I finally listened to the sermon for myself was that when I looked at what I had to give of my stuff, the Lord looked at what I had to give of my time and care.  I don't know that I'll always end up being the one people cry with, but I don't mind for now.  It's ok.  I know that I left nothing He asked for on the table.  I didn't even get to see most of the sermon during that time--my time was all used up and I wouldn't have it any other way.  It was my joy to direct them to Him, whether they were able to do that right then or not.  Years ago, I gave it all to Him.  It's still His--the stuff and the non-stuff. 

Don't be afraid to give it all.  What He wants is your heart.  Leave none of it on the table and He'll have all He needs of everything you have.  Of course, an empty vessel begs refilling, and He is delighted to do it--the pipe can't help getting wet. 

Dreamscaping 11: Foolish Wisdom

^"25 This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength."  I Cor. 1:25

As dreamscaping happens, it's remarkable how often something that looks so foolish turns out to be the wisdom of God while what we would think was prudent is thoroughly foolish. 

Was it wisdom to place the future ruler of Egypt in stocks for most of his young adult life?
Was it wisdom to wait till Moses was 80 to start freeing his people from Egypt?
Was it wisdom to have David chased around the wilderness for many years waiting to be king?
Was it wisdom that God be born in a stable?
Was it wisdom for Jesus to pick the obscure and uneducated as disciples?
Was it wisdom for the leader and God of the universe to die?

God thought so.

Truly the insanity of God is more grounded than the practicality of man, and it is wonderful to behold.  We are truly wise when we begin to fathom how little we really understand about how the world works and what should occur.  It is at that point that we quit trying to run the universe and start asking God what His perspective is. 

All my life God has been indulgent of my questions.  I have always asked Him audacious questions like what is going to happen next or why do things happen this way?  Interestingly enough, He has always provided the answers quickly.  The answers have not always given me what I needed to know because I really didn't know what questions to ask.  For years, there have been times I've known at the core of my being what would happen, yet it wasn't as helpful as I thought it would be.  In the end, it always comes down to whether I will trust the foolishness of God or the wisdom of men.  I can't say that I've always made the right choices but as I grow older, I hope I'm better at that than I have been.  In my middle age, I'm still asking to go on my Daddy's shoulders and He still picks me up and hugs me on the way up.  For that I'm grateful.