Why, my soul, are you downcast?

Collage by Altered Angel

A few days ago, I wrote about taking every thought captive.  David frequently fought depression and fear, yet his actions rarely showed his inner struggle.  Throughout the Psalms, he gives us great examples of how to take our thoughts captive.  One of the best examples is in Ps. 42 and 43.  The chorus of the song always comes back to:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. 

David recognizes that his emotional state is temporary so he disciplines his thoughts to return to the good times before God rather than staying in a place of agony.  Even when his thoughts return to his pain, he drags them back to memories of worship.  He meditates on the possibilities of worship in the future, turning that thought over in his mind again and again. 

During my own long seasons of depression, I remained in the Psalms for years.  There are 150 Psalms, which means you can read 5 a day every month or you can take 5 months to go through the book.  The 31st of each month I'd do a few stanzas from Ps 119--just because it is long.  The praise would lift my heart.  The cries of distress would echo my own aches.  Through it all, I would be continually reminded that God is good and recentering my thoughts on Him would yield fruit if I waited. 

It will yield fruit for you too...

Taking thoughts captive, she is now free

Last night, I talked about guarding our hearts with a dear friend of mine.  She's been terrified of leaving her house since her abusive husband got out of jail.  Even though there is a restraining order and seeing her would mean a parole violation that would get him sent back to prison, she's still worried.  I can understand, but it's been over 18 months since she last saw him, other than in court and she is such a people person.  For the last few months, she's been doing her laundry in her bathtub even though she has terrible back pain. 

As we talked about her fears and hesitation, she first pointed out that it's painful to bend down to put her clothes in the washer and dryer.  We took that before the ultimate judge, our Heavenly Father, and He confirmed that this is, in fact, the case.  However, when we looked a bit closer at the issue, she also recognized that it's even more painful to do her laundry in the bathtub. 

Next, she pointed out that she felt ashamed and judged when people saw her hobbling around.  So we took that to the Father for judgement as well.  The first thing that He brought to her mind was that it shouldn't matter to her what they think.  What immediately came to my mind (and took my breath away) was the thought that if she wasn't there they couldn't see her and she couldn't see them.  There might be people who needed her. 

She remembered then how she would go everywhere on her scooter handing out tracts, witnessing to people, constantly telling them about Jesus.  She realized that her fears were probably demonic, encouraged by the enemy to keep her from witnessing as she had before.  At this, her entire perspective changed.  We even talked about what would happen if she saw her soon to be ex-husband.  She has often cried out that she didn't even get to say goodbye.  The last time she saw him, he was being carried off by the police for beating her nearly senseless, throwing her in the road in front of an oncoming car, then keeping her in his back seat as the police chased them around town.  She admitted that it would be disturbing to see him again, and I agreed.  But she also said that she could call 911, and I reminded her that she could say goodbye to him as she called 911. 

I left her with the quarters to do her laundry, explaining that she has a boldness to witness that I often wish I had.  Investing in her doing her laundry at her complex advances the Kingdom of God and is a good investment, as far as I'm concerned.  At that, she got even more excited. 

And I'm even more excited than she is to see the fruit of our labors together. 

Guard your heart

Over the years I've struggled with wide ranging emotions--exuberant, passionate highs and devastating, aching lows--and very little inbetween. 

I've researched conditions like bipolar and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) to try to understand why my heart is so volitile.  I'm not bipolar, but I share some of their traits.  I do struggle with SAD and at times it has been debilitating.  To some degree, I just understand that in February I have a delightful burst of energy in which I am enthusiastic, organized and creative.  Around August, I begin to slow and become critical so it's a good time for me to edit the work done in the fury of February.  By December I have to be cautious about my moods so I gently revel in the holiday festivities as a strategy to combat the peaking darkness in my mind.  I also take medication and nurture my body gently--some of the depression is a genetic issue that just won't go away without the support of some very gifted physicians.  In military terms, these are the air war strategies.

The ground war strategies include good old fashioned thought and attitude management.  II Corinthians 10:5 encompasses the heart of this strategy: 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

That means I have a choice.  I can choose:

                 to be full of faith or full of doubt
                 to remain at rest or become frantic with fear
                 to notice God's peace or be overwhelmed by chaos
                 to be focused on the Father or focused on self

This is what it means to guard your heart.  It means guarding it from the attacks of the enemy, the criticism of well-meaning friends and your own insecurities. 

Still, there are times that my best efforts are insufficient to the task.  My heart often feels like the sandbox heart in the picture above, or worse it feels like the sand has been fused into solid, glistening glass--hard and brittle, with all the imperfections frozen forever into the matrix.  In those moments, I lean on this promise from Ezekiel 36:26:

 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

When I can't change my own heart, He promises that He can and does.  He tenderly loves me showering me with the compassion I don't even have for myself.

God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.  Romans 2:4

He loves me enough not to leave me in the abyss I have placed myself, but I still have to get my backside up, take His hand and walk out with Him.  It's hard work sometimes, but it works and I am grateful.

Thank You, Father!

Dreamscaping 13...What if I just give up?

I had a dream this afternoon that was frightening and heartbreaking. 

I was the student director from the High School for the lower grades choirs.  They were wiggly, impatient and not following direction.  I looked around thinking isn't there anyone else who can do this?  There seemed to be plenty of people in my own choir and in the choir I was leading (50+ kids each).  The adult directors told me as I tried to quit that there weren't that many coming up behind me that had the musical training to lead.  We also came to see that if I quit, then the praise coming from that group would cease which would disrupt the uninterrupted praise before the Father--with dire consequences.  For if the praise ceased, the oil of the Holy Spirit would cease to flow through us and His work would stop here.  I wept to know that there were so few to carry the load, not just because of my own exhaustion but because it was good work that should be shared. 

As I woke, I quickly realized that the dream had little to do about music, per se.  Our church's music ministry is marvelous and praises pretty regularly.  I believe it has to do with doing what we're called to do.  The place God has for each of us is unique and draws God's attention in a unique way.  If I don't do it, it may not get done because God may not have a backup plan for what He called me to do.  Remember, it was when Moses said, "Get someone else" that God really began to get irritated with him.  The verse that comes to mind is this one: 

“I looked for someone who might rebuild the wall of righteousness that guards the land. I searched for someone to stand in the gap in the wall so I wouldn’t have to destroy the land, but I found no one.  So now I will pour out my fury on them, consuming them with the fire of my anger. I will heap on their heads the full penalty for all their sins. I, the Sovereign Lord, have spoken!”  Ezekiel 22:30-31

What a heartbreak!!  All God was looking for was someone to intercede alongside Him (stand in the gap), through prayer rebuilding the wall of righteousness so that He could continue to protect the land.  If there was no one to pray for righteousness to be restored, there was no longer any way for that righteousness to be rebuilt and no hope for which the Lord could delay His wrath. 

Keep us vigilant to the call You have laid on us, My Father and Friend...

Dreamscaping 8...You have a purpose

Today Katie and I got to go to see Hugo at the Milk Money Movies at the Garden Theater in our little town.  It was an amazing movie about life purpose.  The quote that caught my heart was near the end.  Hugo takes his friend Isabel to the top of the clock tower to show her the Paris skyline at night:

Isabelle: I wonder what my purpose is.

Hugo Caberet:   Right after my father died, I would come up here a lot. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine.  Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason.  And that means you have to be here for some reason too....Maybe that's why a broken machine always makes me a little sad, because it isn't able to do what it was meant to do... Maybe it's the same with people. If you lose your purpose... it's like you're broken.

They go on to talk about her Godfather and how he seems "broken" in that way and how much they would love to "fix" him. 

Dreamscaping is not just about fulfilling your own dreams, it's also about helping others remember their dreams--to find out or remember what part of creation they were made to fulfil and help them do it.  It reminds me of a description Paul often used for the church:

^"4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."--Romans 12:4-5

Everyone needs to be needed.  Everyone needs to receive too.  How can you help others find their place this week?

Dreamscaping 3...Heart sickness or a tree of life?

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."
                                        --Pr. 13:12

Most of the time we think of this verse relating to hopes that haven't come to pass yet, but what about the hopes we haven't fulfilled for ourselves by following through on them?  Maybe the reason so many older people die of heart disease has more to do with abandoned hopes than arterial blockages.  On the other hand, if a dream fulfilled is a tree of life, then maybe the fountain of youth is found as we chase the dreams God has for us and delight as He fulfills them when we had lost all hope. 

Don't be afraid to chase God's dreams for you no matter how old or young you are.  If it's His dream, He will make it happen--you only have to hang in there so you can get to watch Him do it. 

Frankly, I needed to hear that myself today.  I have a dream of my own that has little to do with Senior Dreamscaping, but I also fear failure--in other words, my heart is failing as I consider moving forward.  I long for that tree of vitality and life that will come with its fruition. 

Father, Friend...Help us move forward with Your dreams and keep our hearts from failing.  Fulfill what You have placed within our hearts for we need Your lifegiving hope.