Suffering myth 1...

This morning one of our pastors, Jimmy Knott, preached on myths of trials.  He included one of my favorite pet-peeves.  Well meaning people will say silly things like, "God will never give you more than you can handle." 

I am here to tell you right now that this old saying is patently untrue.  First of all, life happens and we are not always up to it.  For a Christian, circumstances must first go through the fingers of our Heavenly Father, but He lets a lot through.  My dear friend, Steve Brown, has said in the past, "It may seem cold-hearted, but I believe that every time a pagan gets cancer, a Christian gets cancer so the world can see the difference."  Years ago, I made the choice that building the Kingdom of Heaven was worthy of my life and the lives of everyone I know and love.  Don't get me wrong, it's hard when your kid has a debilitating disorder or you have to face hardships, but if it brings Glory to God, that's what we're here for.  We don't get out of this alive anyway. 

God WILL intentionally give His adopted children far more than they can handle.  He expects us to do what He does and that is a lot more than we can do.  The Truth is that He will not give us more than HE can handle.  Part of why we're still here is to learn how to trust Him, rely on Him and work beside Him doing His work.  I Peter 1:7 tells is that the testing of our faith is more precious than purified gold and will bring the Father praise and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.  I want Him to be proud of me more than anything.  He's not going to be proud of me doing what I can take credit for.  He's going to be proud of things He does through me--only what He does lasts anyway. 

I can say for sure that the parents I've met with disabled or injured kids are really amazing folks.  I can also tell you pretty confidently that they didn't start out that way.  I wasn't called to be the mom of a child with Down syndrome or ADHD.  I was called to be Katie's mom and PJ's mom.  They have those disorders, so we address those issues one day at a time with God's direction, healing and planning.  He builds us up to the tasks before us as we rely on Him.  As I pray, the Lord sends strength, stamina and solutions.   I didn't get those things before I had the need.  I got them when I needed them.  I can share the solutions He has provided to spread God's Glory and so others will have what they need when they need it.  In the end, the best things I've gotten from all of this was the chance to know Him better.  That alone has been worth it. 

In sickness and in health

This week has been a sickie week here.  I hung out in bed all day Sunday and a good chunk of yesterday.  PJ was home yesterday too.  I can't tell if it's an achy head cold or a nasty bout of allergies, but we are definately dragging.  We even stayed home last night--and I hate missing CR and PJ hated missing Boy Scouts.  We're still pretty sluggish and I don't know what the day brings.  I have some quiet work to do today but we may not do much more. 

In a marriage, we vow to care for each other in sickness and in health (kudos to John on that one).  We've both been struggling with low grade, chronic illnesses for years.  Of course, Katie also has Down syndrome and PJ has major developmental gaps (and that's just what we know about). 

Our relationship with Jesus is also not conditioned on our health.  In all of our struggles, our heavenly Father has been faithful and gracious.  He has frequently shown us where healing can be found, but even more, He is faithful even when we are sick.  Although we've had setbacks, we also choose continually to be faithful, even when we can't be well.  We also choose to be faithful when we are well--and rejoice in the strength to care for others.

We live in a fallen world.  Sickness happens.  We also "wrestle not with flesh and blood, but with principalities and powers."  We are in a war and although the field of battle may be our bodies, the most critical enemy is spiritual, not physical.  With Job, we can say, "Though He slay me, still I'll trust in Him." 

The other day on the way to PJ's school, the Lord reminded me that the coldest, cruelest people I've ever known were those who have never been touched by illness, fear, lack or discomfort.  At that moment, I rejoiced with the Lord over the infirmities that PJ has had and has seen in all of us.  An understanding of weakness breeds compassion and dependence on God--something that PJ shows frequently.  Had all gone perfectly, PJ might not know what it is like to struggle to learn or sit still and could have mocked those who are not so fortunate with no regard for their Maker. 

I would take those struggles away from all of us in a heartbeat if I could.  My Lord is wiser. I cannot imagine the pain He endures as He watches us suffer, but for the joy set before Him, He again endures it for our good.  I have asked for healing.  He has provided wise and compassionate souls rather than sound and secure bodies, though when His work is complete, He heals our bodies so that we may serve Him.  Again, I stand in awe of the severe mercies of my dear Friend. 

Thank You, Father, Friend and Love...

Parenting with the future in mind...

When PJ was little, complete strangers would come up to me and rave that I was the most amazing mother.  I had no idea what they were talking about.  PJ was an easy kid.  He was alert, even tempered and easy to calm when he got upset--which was rare.  Looking back, I was alert, even tempered and rarely got upset myself. 

Most of this I attribute to the fact that I had some great parenting mentors who taught me to first pray for my children and then train them with the end in mind.  I was taught by Godly women to parent him in light of how I wanted him to see  the world as a man.  They taught me to only ask him to do something if I really intended to follow through and make him do it.  Full obedience was immediate, complete, cheerful and without comment or it wasn't obedience.  The obedience I was to demand from him was the kind of obedience that he would one day give to God himself.  In the same way, if you could say yes, you did.  It was ok to say no, but the leaning was toward yes, not no--because we live the same generous life that God Himself does. 

When Katie came along, it was hard in so many ways, but the hardest was that I just couldn't envision her future.  What would she look like as a grown woman with Down syndrome?  Her future was so painful to think about, I lost my way as a parent to her, and to some extent to my son as well.  About that time, PJ had neurological issues that completely changed his entire personality as well and I floundered.  Our days became a flurry of therapies, worries, panic and grief.  I still don't know that we have completely regained our equilibrium.  I'm not sure we ever will. 

I have regained some of the future focus in my parenting.  It made a difference when it came time to talk to PJ about the facts of life.  Bringing his future wife into that discussion provided a context that I couldn't give him in any other way.  I'm still working on regaining a focus on character traits they will need as Godly adults.  Jon Gordon's quote really goes to the heart of the matter.  I could focus on getting them to behave the way I want, but mostly, I want them to be everything God created them to be, regardless of what occupation or life style they ultimately have.  I don't know if Kate will live independently, have a job or a spouse.  The thought of grandchildren seems too much to even entertain.  She will still need to obey immediately.  She will still need to think of others before herself and live with great sense of generosity.  She will need to know who God is and need to relate to Him for herself. 

Today, my kids were pretty wiggly in a women's clothing store and I ended up telling them the old adage, "Children should be seen and not heard"--mostly because they were being pretty frisky and a little loud. Later on, in the car, PJ and I talked about it more.  It does still apply, in that when anyone--children or adults--can engage someone else, looking to understand them and draw their real self out, they may earn the right to be heard and understood for themselves. 

I really look forward to seeing Him as a grown man, and I'm coming to terms with Katie's future, though there is still so much uncertainty there.  She wants a "truck" of her own, just like mommy.  I trust her and she acts independently in many situations with little fear.  She has been known to be a flight risk at times, but not for the sake of running away from us.  A few years ago she walked away from an evening family gathering at Downtown Disney without any of the 9 of us noticing until she was gone without a trace.  We had been talking about where we were going next and she just decided to leave instead of talking about it.  We found her at the Lego Store, contentedly playing, with absolutely no fear.  She and her brother played hide and seek (more quietly) in the fabric store later in the day today and they both came immediately when I called them.  She can feed herself at home, and often does, even if she can't reach the plates without climbing on the counter .  She's learning to ride a bike.  One of my closest friends sees my boldness and dynamic personality in Katie.  I have come to see her as Katherine, which means pure, undiluted, full strength--eu de parfum, not toilet water. 

I still don't know what kind of life she will have, but I know God has a plan for her life no less than He has planned for mine or PJ's.  I can try to teach her the character traits that will help her fulfill His dreams for her, but I'm not sure I could do much more than steer her, even if I wanted to.  The Lord holds her future and she loves and knows him for herself already--and that's enough.

Dreamscaping 4...Visioning as a guide to action

"Where there is no vision, the people perish:
but he that keepeth the law, happy is he."
--Pr 29:28 (KJV)

The vision alluded to in this verse is God's perspective of what is to come, of what He desires to come to pass--it is His dream for us and for those we impact.  As a parent this concept has been foundational to everything I do, but for awhile I lost that vision.

When my first son was born, I had an idea--a vision--of the kind of man I wanted him to grow to be--the kind of man that would make God proud.  Everything I did as a parent was framed in light of that vision.  Correction was loving and consistent because I wanted him to understand the nature of God's laws and character.  Immediate obedience was always the goal because I wanted him to grow to obey God immediately, with loving trust that His rules were for PJ's good. 

When Katie was born with Down syndrome, one of the most disorienting issues was that I couldn't envision who Katie would be as an adult, and every attempt on my part just brought up more pain.  It was a devastating time.  Without that vision, I lost the will to correct her and demand of her behavior and attitudes that would befit a Godly future.  I floundered.  Many times, she floundered.  PJ was in the middle of a neurological crisis I couldn't see at the time but my hesitancy as a parent didn't help. 

A few years ago, I was at a conference put on by the local DS support group where one of the speakers gave a passionate talk about the vision she had crafted for her son when he was just two.  From there, all of her actions and planning were guided by that vision.  Nearly all of those goals have been achieved by her son who is now in his 20's and he is wiser, stronger and more popular than any would have believed possible. 

Her talk reminded me of the vision I had lost for my own daughter.  I can't say that I have completely regained that vision yet, but yesterday PJ and I worked together to create a daily schedule and a list of goals for him and his sister that will help her move toward them.  It's a start. 

What is God's vision for those you impact?  Have you asked?

Tired

I hadn't wanted to post over the last week because I'm just tired. Bone tired. Exhausted. Pooped. Turns out my little germ magnet has Influenza Type A and I probably gave it to her last week. Her cough sounds bad, but isn't frequent. She had a high fever yesterday but she's just warm today. Happy as a clam even though she's sick as a dog. I think I'm going to call this clam-dog syndrome.

These are also unexpected blessing days. When I dropped of Kate's prescription at our local beleaguered WalMart, they put a rush on it and told me to come back in an hour. Kate looked like she was ready to collapse in exhaustion and I felt about the same--but what else can you do?? So I decided we would use the time to enjoy something special and recharge. Spoiling time!! Ice cream, cokes, Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs and a happy mommy and daughter--tired still, but not as bad.

As soon as we were done with our treat, we remembered the birthday party Kate has this weekend. The birthday queen is Kate's chaperone and companion in Kindergarten--an unrecognized benefactor (and beneficiary) of inclusion. It was a delight to see Katie enjoy going through the toy aisle with her friend, not herself, in mind. In the end, she was surprisingly decisive--it will be the Barbie on a bicycle instead of the Cinderella and the bejewelled steed.

I often wonder how much Katie understands. Her language still has so far to go. It would be easy to assume that there is so much she misses. I'm continually delighted by how much she catches. The local Down syndrome association had their annual clinic this weekend and it pained me to explain to the university speech researcher how little nuance we get from Kate. It seems like asking the question, "What do you like best about your friend?" is akin to asking "What is the primary geological formation on the moon?" We've been torn as to whether to move her forward with her classmates into 1st grade or keep her in Kindergarten (again--3rd time) to give her a chance to be able to achive more before moving ahead. She's still spotty on her colors. She sounds out 3 letter words, but barely speaks full sentences on her own. Memorize the word "of"?? Does she even use it yet? And yes, Katie, 16 does belong in the number line regardless of your preferences on it. As the researcher described working on conceptual frameworks, it felt like we still have so far to go. Then Katie actually came into the room and after about 2 minutes of interaction, the researcher said, "This is not at all what I envisioned from your description--her prognosis for next year is really good." So the details are still spotty--the gestalt is in place.

One of the Senior Associates at our office has been enthralled by the book, A Whole New Mind, by Daniel Pink. The endorsement on the front of the book is euphoric: "This book is a miracle. Completely original and profound!" He uses Left Brain/Right Brain neurological concepts to put forth the thesis that it is those right-brain activities, supported by their left brain underpinnings that will help you succeed, win the day, bring back the life to our searching world. The neurology wasn't new. The concept that most low level rote technical folk can be replaced by a machine isn't particularly surprising. The pathways to stimulate and grow the 6 "new" essential senses have all been around for awhile. I'm glad that people are beginning to recognize the need for whole brained thought--it has often felt like it was only recognized as hair-brained.

The most interesting point he makes in the book is a need for transcendence that has arisen out of our affluence. I've been praying that this would be so and watching as it happens. We have satisfied all of our physical needs and nearly all of our wants, and still find ourselves wanting. I see what Katie can't do and hurt for her, hoping that there is more--that there can be more. Ecclesiastes 3:11 has been my life verse for over a decade now and it's interesting how often it shows how profound God brought Solomon to be:

"He (God) has made all things beautiful in His time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men yet they cannot fathom the scope of it from beginning to end." (my parphrase)

So it's ok to wait to see what will happen--He will make things beautiful on his timetable, not ours. The details are important, but may not tell the whole story. In the end, the point of view that will matter is His--we just won't get it all, even if He has set the desire and overall understanding in our hearts in the first place. There have been times in my life when I've understood the big picture and where we fit in it. It didn't make things any easier. The only thing that made it truly ok is the knowledge that we are loved profoundly and that will never change. I am not transcendent, but I know the One who is and He knows me and that makes eternity my friend as well.

Blessings,
Tricia (and Kate)