This decade's prayer

Letting go into a leap of faith...

Over the last decade, I've had the same prayer:

"Lord, I know I'm capable of a lot, but it is nothing in comparison to what You can do.  What I can do will never be enough.  I need You to do what You can do." 

I was born with great abilities.  My biggest struggle growing up has been figuring out the difference between what I could do and what I should do.  I have a better idea at 42 of what God has called me to, but mostly I've given up looking for a calling.  I do what the Lord says to do (as well as I can).  I trust Him and He leads me.  He sends me work.  He sends me people to pray for and tells me what to pray.  He hears me when I call, calms my fears and quiets me with His love.  He is amazing and I look forward to an eternity of exploring the depths of His presence. 

In the meantime, in answer to my prayer, He has placed me more than once in the position where I couldn't do anything.  He has lead me directly into situations that were beyond my capability to complete and left me hanging, waiting for Him to do what only He could do.  It hasn't stopped being frustrating.  It also hasn't stopped being amazing. 

For instance, my body doesn't do what it used to.  My kids take more attention.  So, I lost my job--the job He provided.  He pushed me almost immediately into creating a company.  It was almost 6 months before I had any work for my company, but in the meantime He provided good research work through UF and increased my husband's income by about 25%.  (He's having to learn to trust too).  I keep having to do things I don't think I can do and He keeps making up the difference. 

I don't trust in my own abilities to do anything of any consequence any more.  Only the work He does lasts--or even works for that matter.  Obedience isn't as much of a chore, it is the key to a spectactular adventure.  I can't wait each day to see what He's going to do next.  As with any other adventure, it's not always safe, but He's good and trustworthy. 

I don't know what's next, but I know Him and that's enough...

Reminders

Years ago, I had the chance to go on a summer internship to Maine to do research.  We had only been married a few years and the thought of spending the summer over a thousand miles away from my home and husband was pretty daunting.  During that time, the Lord gave me a scripture to encourage Me as I went.  Every time I felt anxious, He would remind me of Phillipians 4:6-7: 

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Truly, His peace did guard my heart and mind that summer.  I arrived in Maine, teary eyed and a bit frightened, but to a world overwhelmed with spring blossoms.  Within a few hours the Lord had provided me with a church, a home and a family that I still treasure today (and since I had to bike 9 miles each day, by the end of the summer I was stunningly gorgeous.)

This morning, the Lord provided me with a new trigger for this season.  I frequently feel alone right now for many reasons.  I've also been trying for several years to walk continually in His manifest presence, not allowing His worship to cease in my heart--in essence, to "Pray continually." He reminded me of how powerfully He cared for my every need while I was in Maine because I was able to take every anxiety back to Him in complete trust that He would meet that need. 

In the same way, as I feel alone, He reminded me to use that feeling as a trigger to seek out His presence again.  I need those kinds of triggers.  His presence is the perfect comfort for my isolation.  In His presence, there is the fullness of joy.  I am at peace.  I can act rather than react.  It is the ultimate stability. 

Thanks, Father, Friend and my greatest Love...

He Comforts Us

 As a new parent, I was so attuned to my son, PJ.  There were many times I needed PJ to do things he didn't want to do and keep his cool at the same time.  We watched each other continually.  As he watched me stay calm, I could see it was easier for him to react calmly to his circumstances.  For example, when he was 5 years old, we had a string of 4 hurricanes that ran through our area, each within weeks of each other.  We had large trees in our back yard and these were serious storms, some of which lasted for days.  Our entire region was covered with blue tarps for the next 6 months or more.  We were in a 2 story house and for everyone's safety, we all slept downstairs.  We even pulled our queen size mattress down from our bedroom and slept in one of the hallways.  I watched the chandelier in our front entryway for hours as it swayed in the high winds.  To PJ, it was a gigantic family sleepover, complete with grandparents.  For months afterward, he would ask us if we could have another hurricane.  As he watched us closely, he could see that we weren't really worried and he didn't need to be either. 

 

I also watched him.  I knew where his emotional limits were and would adjust my attitude and responses to his.  I could see when he was getting truly upset and provide extra comfort to help him get through it.  Of course it was easier with only one.  (I didn't do so well with more than one...but I'm getting better). 

 

Our heavenly Father is such a great parent in that way too.  He watches us as if He has no one else to watch and He is careful to provide comfort to us when we're about to lose it.  But even more, when we watch Him as closely as our own children watch us, we quickly come to see that he is rarely upset and never out of control.  That engenders trust and we begin to react as He does.  I think I remember a verse about that...

 

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."  Ephesians 5:1-2

 

In the Garden, before the crucifixion, Jesus took time to seek out His Father's face and the Father sent the comfort he needed to make it through.  Even though Jesus knew what was going to be involved in giving up his life for us, he calmly went to the cross, "as a sheep to the shearers is silent."  Without seeking out God's face, that would be impossible for anyone.  There are parts of my days that would be impossible without going to God's face too.  I bet there are probably a few parts of your days that are that way as well...

 

Will you Believe God or suffer disappointment?

Saw this on facebook earlier today.  What is even more amazing to me is that it doesn't need a disaster for this to be true.  Once you really grasp the depth of the sacrifice He has made for us, it seems too good to be true. 

Someone gave me a book a few years ago entitled, Those who trust in the Lord will not be disappointed.  The point of the book is not that we will avoid disappointments, but that, in light of the immeasurable love of God, we will choose not to be disappointed.  We can choose not to be disappointed because we know God's end will not be disappointing.  Therefore, if the circumstances haven't come around for God's Glory (and our ultimate good) then God isn't done yet. 

Too many times, I mope because it looks like the end, when the end has yet to be.  Like I wrote a few weeks ago, one of the scariest things about finishing things (good or bad) is that it feels like there's nothing next.  This is silly because I know my God and I know that He is not done yet--but I still do it.  It's good to have the break inbetween the major projects God uses to shape our lives, but rather than resting peacefully in those lulls, we wonder what's coming next.  I'm still struggling with being at peace, no matter what the circumstances are--and I've been working on it for decades.  I'll admit I'm better at it than I have been, but I have a long way to go. 

Next time you are tempted to be disappointed, go back to God and ask for His perspective and look forward to a surprise.  Things may not be over yet.

Crazy life...

Like most families, we are adjusting to the new school year with some bumps in the road.  I apologize for my spotty posts of late.  PJ and Kate start next week, but we started doing a developmental repair program for PJ this week that takes about 3 hours each day.  I've scheduled every activity and spread them out through the day, but it's a lot of work on top of school.  The specialist that put the program together recommended strongly that we take him out of school and homeschool him this year.  I'm not ready to do that, but I understand why she would recommend it. 

On top of all of this we have nearly every evening booked through Easter.  We have two nights each week that are tentatively roped off for family time.  The nice part about this is that I know what I'll be doing.  I have margin planned, but not a huge amount. 

I have come to love the freedom and spontenaity of the way God has been using me over the last few years.  I have loved that I have room in my schedule for interruptions.  Saturday night, my husband, John actually brought my own words back to me, reminding me that interruptions are people--I almost cried. 

Now, I guess I get to see how God works when life is busy.  I could be terrified that He will forget me. I'm more terrified that I will forget Him in the busy-ness He has orchestrated.  I can't do this without Him.  I know He is so present with me now--can He be just as present and guiding when there is no room that I can see for His interruptions?  I didn't want to have it that way.  He has wedged me here. 

I've made intentional choices in line with the priorities He has for our children and family.  I've talked over every commitment with John and he agrees they are all important--not just good, they are God priorities and He hasn't shut the door on any of them.  I've even turned down opportunities for ministry that I'd love right now because I just can't take on anything more.  Nearly all of the new commitments within my family fit within the schedule we've had for the last year.  Maybe I will still have all that spontenaity and I just don't know it yet.  

A this point I have a choice for fear or faith.  My heart is not comfortable with this--it feels like stretching.  I choose to trust that He will do far more than I could ask or think. 

Gratitude Check

Around our house we have two "checks."  The first one is an attitude check.  When someone is giving me a bad attitude, I say attitude check and the appropriate response is "Praise the Lord."  The second is a gratitude check.  It works best when we're overwhelmed.  I say gratitude check and a number.  The person then has to say that number of things for which they are grateful.  You can't say anything you've said before (unless you really mean it in a different way this time).  Usually by the time the attitude check or a Gratitude check is finished, perspective is regained and there is enough peace to move forward. 

Today is the first quiet day with no kids at home and no paid work to do.  I've been going over the program for PJ's therapy this year that the neurodevelopmentalist created.  If I were to do it all, the program would take 4 hours each day.  Too much.  I've pared it down and shifted some things throughout the day, but I'm still pretty overwhelmed.  It's a lot to do and every bit of it is important.  On top of 7th grade, it feels like a monumental undertaking.  My friend just called and she may get evicted this week while she's halfway across the country and can't do anything about it.  Double overwhelm. 

There are so many verses that run through my head:

• "My God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in Glory." 
• "I have been abased.  I have abounded.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "With God, nothing is impossible."
• "All things work together for the good of those who love Christ and are the called according to His purposes." 
• "Fear not, little ones. It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom."
• "All Your waves and breakers have washed over me."

Time for a Gratitude Check (7):

1. We know what's wrong with PJ and know what we can do about it.
2. Katie has good teachers and support staff and is doing as well as she can so she doesn't need a lot of attention right now.
3. Some of the work will overlap between the two kids--double benefit.
4. I'm not working full time in an office at the other side of town so I have the time to work with him.
5. I have time to organize a schedule and systems that will help keep us on track.
6. I am not alone--The Lord, My God, is my Father, my friend and my love.  He is with me and will help me do this.
7. I am trained as an engineer and know how to systematically break big jobs down into managable pieces.  I wasn't born that way, but I can do it because I have been trained to do it.

 Thank You, Father.  I trust You to help me do all I need to do.

Taking thoughts captive, she is now free

Last night, I talked about guarding our hearts with a dear friend of mine.  She's been terrified of leaving her house since her abusive husband got out of jail.  Even though there is a restraining order and seeing her would mean a parole violation that would get him sent back to prison, she's still worried.  I can understand, but it's been over 18 months since she last saw him, other than in court and she is such a people person.  For the last few months, she's been doing her laundry in her bathtub even though she has terrible back pain. 

As we talked about her fears and hesitation, she first pointed out that it's painful to bend down to put her clothes in the washer and dryer.  We took that before the ultimate judge, our Heavenly Father, and He confirmed that this is, in fact, the case.  However, when we looked a bit closer at the issue, she also recognized that it's even more painful to do her laundry in the bathtub. 

Next, she pointed out that she felt ashamed and judged when people saw her hobbling around.  So we took that to the Father for judgement as well.  The first thing that He brought to her mind was that it shouldn't matter to her what they think.  What immediately came to my mind (and took my breath away) was the thought that if she wasn't there they couldn't see her and she couldn't see them.  There might be people who needed her. 

She remembered then how she would go everywhere on her scooter handing out tracts, witnessing to people, constantly telling them about Jesus.  She realized that her fears were probably demonic, encouraged by the enemy to keep her from witnessing as she had before.  At this, her entire perspective changed.  We even talked about what would happen if she saw her soon to be ex-husband.  She has often cried out that she didn't even get to say goodbye.  The last time she saw him, he was being carried off by the police for beating her nearly senseless, throwing her in the road in front of an oncoming car, then keeping her in his back seat as the police chased them around town.  She admitted that it would be disturbing to see him again, and I agreed.  But she also said that she could call 911, and I reminded her that she could say goodbye to him as she called 911. 

I left her with the quarters to do her laundry, explaining that she has a boldness to witness that I often wish I had.  Investing in her doing her laundry at her complex advances the Kingdom of God and is a good investment, as far as I'm concerned.  At that, she got even more excited. 

And I'm even more excited than she is to see the fruit of our labors together. 

Guard your heart

Over the years I've struggled with wide ranging emotions--exuberant, passionate highs and devastating, aching lows--and very little inbetween. 

I've researched conditions like bipolar and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) to try to understand why my heart is so volitile.  I'm not bipolar, but I share some of their traits.  I do struggle with SAD and at times it has been debilitating.  To some degree, I just understand that in February I have a delightful burst of energy in which I am enthusiastic, organized and creative.  Around August, I begin to slow and become critical so it's a good time for me to edit the work done in the fury of February.  By December I have to be cautious about my moods so I gently revel in the holiday festivities as a strategy to combat the peaking darkness in my mind.  I also take medication and nurture my body gently--some of the depression is a genetic issue that just won't go away without the support of some very gifted physicians.  In military terms, these are the air war strategies.

The ground war strategies include good old fashioned thought and attitude management.  II Corinthians 10:5 encompasses the heart of this strategy: 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

That means I have a choice.  I can choose:

                 to be full of faith or full of doubt
                 to remain at rest or become frantic with fear
                 to notice God's peace or be overwhelmed by chaos
                 to be focused on the Father or focused on self

This is what it means to guard your heart.  It means guarding it from the attacks of the enemy, the criticism of well-meaning friends and your own insecurities. 

Still, there are times that my best efforts are insufficient to the task.  My heart often feels like the sandbox heart in the picture above, or worse it feels like the sand has been fused into solid, glistening glass--hard and brittle, with all the imperfections frozen forever into the matrix.  In those moments, I lean on this promise from Ezekiel 36:26:

 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

When I can't change my own heart, He promises that He can and does.  He tenderly loves me showering me with the compassion I don't even have for myself.

God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.  Romans 2:4

He loves me enough not to leave me in the abyss I have placed myself, but I still have to get my backside up, take His hand and walk out with Him.  It's hard work sometimes, but it works and I am grateful.

Thank You, Father!

Hurry Sickness

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.  II Peter 3:9

This morning a good friend from down the street was complaining about how rude it was for their behavioral therapist to show up late every week.  It took some time to explain, but a person who has to wait an infinite amount of time for a child to intentionally bend their will to hers has probably got to see time in a completely different way than one who runs an entire theme park (like he does). 

Yesterday I wrote about how gently the Lord condescends to my weak faith, gently teaching me that my trust in Him is not misplaced.  This morning He filled in a few more thoughts to chew on:

"You have set out to test me within the context of your business.  Am I not trustworthy?  I only delay to increase your faith.  I cannot always answer right away.  I often have other pieces that need to come together before I can provide—things that have nothing to do with you.  I need you to trust Me whether My answers come quickly or delay so that I am free to work in all of the hearts involved, in the same, gentle, condescending way that I work in you."

I often suffer from what John Ortberg calls "Hurry Sickness."  I want answers, and I want them now.  It's a subtle form of pride.  My priorities and timing are more important than anyone else, so they should get me what I want and get out of my way.  Unfortunately, sometimes I end up treating God that way too.  I want my heart to be at peace because I know everything is handled.  He wants to BE my peace and walk in relationship with me.  I would never say out loud that my priorities and timing are more important than God's priorities and timing, but that's exactly what I'm saying when I cry out like a toddler, "I want what I want when I want it!!!"  A toddler only cares about his own needs.  Maturing means thinking of others--and when I get in a hurry it's almost always because I've forgotten to care about what others need and the pace they need it. 

I want what You want, when You want it, Lord.  Thank You for teaching me to enjoy You in the wait--even when it scares me. 

Out of work, again?

I have to admit.  Trust doesn't come easy with Me.  The Lord works really hard to continue to win my trust--something He shouldn't have to do, but He condescends to my weakness. 

This week I turned in the final report draft to our review team.  As soon as I turned it in, John asked me if that means my job is over. The truth is that it probably does.  There will be a little more work but it will end soon. When I lost my job 17 months ago, I started a business and it's doing ok, but not great--we've done better than break even but it hasn't brought in anything close to the income I made before.  I got this job working for UF when I looked into do a PhD.  It's been a good research project and it's come out in a completely different way than it would have with a typical grad student straight out of school.  It's also been a small but steady income. 

Most of the time, I'm not all that concerned about that because I really do trust that the Lord will provide. When He asked me to go back to work, I went back on the condition that I would do what He sent me, but I wouldn't look for it.  That way things wouldn't get out of balance.  He's always sent me what I needed and we're doing ok. 

Just as a confirmation that He will provide, less than an hour after I sent the last chapter out, I received the contract I've been expecting for over a month.  Yaay!!  So what about the worry?  It's a continuing services contract--I need to have costly insurance for it and I have no idea if I'll get any work from it at all.  It's just a part of business and I knew I would need to do it at some point.  A contract is a contract--and a glimmer of hope for consistent work. 

Still, I'm human and My Father and Friend knows that at some point I could worry and I don't like to risk money.  Just so that I would really get that He has this all in His control, last night He set up another divine appointment:

As I went into the prayer room before the service, I felt a familiar divine stillness--He wasn't pressing me to pray about anything, just wait in His presence.  I could hear the worship time coming to an end but His presence wouldn't lift and allow me to go into join it.  After a little while, the same couple came in and joined me that had come a few weeks ago.  I prayed with them again and they chose to stay and just sit in the stillness with me.  I laid hands on his head to pray for him because he has frequent headaches.  Usually as God heals people when I lay hands on them I feel their pain and feel it release as He provides healing. It gives me a sense of compassion for them, shows me where to pray and sometimes even why they hurt.  This time, though I felt the Spirit's blessing on Him, I felt nothing else. 

We talked for awhile longer about the delight of seeing God work and at some point I mentioned that I happen to be a traffic engineer.  He mentioned his fears about a roadway that had been planned through a mobile home park he owns.  Before we parted, he asked for a business card.  There are many ways I could help him in the future, if he needs it.  Nothing is guaranteed, but I could easily recognize the nod from My Friend that He has my work life in His control.

Thanks!

Finishing well...

Today I finished the final draft for the last two chapters of the report I've been working on for over a year.  I struggle to finish anything.  I don't know why.  I've been trying to figure it out of months.  The report was due at the end of April, but the model wasn't working so we ended up getting a 3 month extension.  I'll have comments to address over the next few days, but the work is basically finished. 


I know my fears have something to do with the fear of the criticism that will inevitably come with the submission.  I like to please people and I hate it when I don't understand how to give them what they want.  Maybe I fear that I'll lose the meaning of my life when I don't have this to work on anymore--that feels closer, but not on target either.  There are so many times that the Lord places me where I need to be to do good work. 

When I went to the Lord, He told me that this is where I struggle with change.  Some people struggle when new things come along.  I struggle when old things end, particularly if I don't know what's next--and right now I don't know what's next.  I have to stand at the edge of this cliff, waiting and watching for whatever is to come along next.  I know it will come, but I feel more comfortable making progress than sitting still.  I've learned so much about being in the moment and trusting even when I can't see, but it's clear I still have a long way to go. 

I'm believing there is a picnic waiting for me at the edge of this cliff and that He and I will enjoy each other's company. 

I am an idoloter

Jimmy Needham

The other song we looked at in our Saturday night life group was Clear the Stage by Jimmy Needham (what a great name!).  It talks about the things we put on the stage of our lives--the things we worship.  These lines really hit me then--and break me now:


Anything I put before my God, is an idol
Anything I want, with all my heart, is an idol
Anything I can't stop thinking of, is an idol
Anything that I give all my love, is an idol


I want no idols in my life and I truly enjoy spending time alone with Him in quiet listening for His whisper.  I loved the song, but blew it off a little because Jesus really is my passion--or so I thought.


Yesterday, my computer died (or at least fainted).  


If you want to know what a person's idols are, just take them away and you'll see pretty quickly.  It's my work computer and I was just getting ready to write the last chapter of the research I've been working on for the last year.  It's also where my journal is along with all my pictures.  It's where I come to God in the morning to soak in His word, receive encouragement from other Christians, and write out of what He has poured into my heart.  It's also where I play stupid, mind-numbing, time-consuming games, check out what's going on with people I barely remember from High School, and get crazy ideas from Pintrest.  


It's in the shop.  It's not likely to be genuinely terminal.  I'll probably get it back today.  Still, an engineer without a computer is naked (and yes, I had a spare--it's not the same).  


I John 1:9 says:  " If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  I am agreeing with God that this is an idol.  I am throwing myself on Him again, begging for forgiveness from my betrayal.  I desperately need His purification and He promises to give it.  That's what Jesus died for.  That's what grace is all about.


Thank You, Father and Friend...

Overflow

My education pastor finds the coolest stuff...Last night we looked at how music can be a part of our quiet time.  He points out that lyrics are basically poems that contain deep truth in compact packages.  This one really hit me (I even bought it for myself):

She could have been spying on my own journals:

Fill my weak with strength
Fill my full with more
Fill my soul with hope
And fill my faith with Yours
I'm desperate for You...

 

 

Consume every part of me
For I'm missing nothing
The more I seek You I find that You are here

I see my weakness.  I see my fullness.  Together, they amount to nothing.  If I don't have Him, filling me to overflowing I am nothing.  I have feared every day that He would leave me to my own, substantial, devices--but it wouldn't be even close to enough.  Once you have tasted Him, nothing comes close. 

 

 

Over the last few months, the Lord has been gently reminding me that He is and has been here the whole time.  As desperate as I am for his resources, I have never been without them--I only needed to look up.  I am still frantic at times.  I am terrified I will forget and rely on my own resources.  He reminds me both in my journal time with Him and by the gentle orchestrations within my own life that He is always here.  He is always laying out good work for me to do and He is always providing the resources I need to do it.  I am beginning to exhale.  I am beginning to trust. 

It's about time.  

Dreamscaping 13...What if I just give up?

I had a dream this afternoon that was frightening and heartbreaking. 

I was the student director from the High School for the lower grades choirs.  They were wiggly, impatient and not following direction.  I looked around thinking isn't there anyone else who can do this?  There seemed to be plenty of people in my own choir and in the choir I was leading (50+ kids each).  The adult directors told me as I tried to quit that there weren't that many coming up behind me that had the musical training to lead.  We also came to see that if I quit, then the praise coming from that group would cease which would disrupt the uninterrupted praise before the Father--with dire consequences.  For if the praise ceased, the oil of the Holy Spirit would cease to flow through us and His work would stop here.  I wept to know that there were so few to carry the load, not just because of my own exhaustion but because it was good work that should be shared. 

As I woke, I quickly realized that the dream had little to do about music, per se.  Our church's music ministry is marvelous and praises pretty regularly.  I believe it has to do with doing what we're called to do.  The place God has for each of us is unique and draws God's attention in a unique way.  If I don't do it, it may not get done because God may not have a backup plan for what He called me to do.  Remember, it was when Moses said, "Get someone else" that God really began to get irritated with him.  The verse that comes to mind is this one: 

“I looked for someone who might rebuild the wall of righteousness that guards the land. I searched for someone to stand in the gap in the wall so I wouldn’t have to destroy the land, but I found no one.  So now I will pour out my fury on them, consuming them with the fire of my anger. I will heap on their heads the full penalty for all their sins. I, the Sovereign Lord, have spoken!”  Ezekiel 22:30-31

What a heartbreak!!  All God was looking for was someone to intercede alongside Him (stand in the gap), through prayer rebuilding the wall of righteousness so that He could continue to protect the land.  If there was no one to pray for righteousness to be restored, there was no longer any way for that righteousness to be rebuilt and no hope for which the Lord could delay His wrath. 

Keep us vigilant to the call You have laid on us, My Father and Friend...

Dreamscaping 4...Visioning as a guide to action

"Where there is no vision, the people perish:
but he that keepeth the law, happy is he."
--Pr 29:28 (KJV)

The vision alluded to in this verse is God's perspective of what is to come, of what He desires to come to pass--it is His dream for us and for those we impact.  As a parent this concept has been foundational to everything I do, but for awhile I lost that vision.

When my first son was born, I had an idea--a vision--of the kind of man I wanted him to grow to be--the kind of man that would make God proud.  Everything I did as a parent was framed in light of that vision.  Correction was loving and consistent because I wanted him to understand the nature of God's laws and character.  Immediate obedience was always the goal because I wanted him to grow to obey God immediately, with loving trust that His rules were for PJ's good. 

When Katie was born with Down syndrome, one of the most disorienting issues was that I couldn't envision who Katie would be as an adult, and every attempt on my part just brought up more pain.  It was a devastating time.  Without that vision, I lost the will to correct her and demand of her behavior and attitudes that would befit a Godly future.  I floundered.  Many times, she floundered.  PJ was in the middle of a neurological crisis I couldn't see at the time but my hesitancy as a parent didn't help. 

A few years ago, I was at a conference put on by the local DS support group where one of the speakers gave a passionate talk about the vision she had crafted for her son when he was just two.  From there, all of her actions and planning were guided by that vision.  Nearly all of those goals have been achieved by her son who is now in his 20's and he is wiser, stronger and more popular than any would have believed possible. 

Her talk reminded me of the vision I had lost for my own daughter.  I can't say that I have completely regained that vision yet, but yesterday PJ and I worked together to create a daily schedule and a list of goals for him and his sister that will help her move toward them.  It's a start. 

What is God's vision for those you impact?  Have you asked?

Neon Stop Signs

 "Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything."
Ps. 46:10 (MSG)

I think it's funny that my dear Friend would orchestrate this amazing verse to refer to my career, not just my life.  (I happen to be a transportation engineer and planner.)  It's as if he wrote a huge, flashing neon sign saying, "This means you!!"

Being still is not something I innately treasure, though it has become a delight as I grow older and busier.  Without time to take that long loving look at my Lord Jesus, I end up working like the devil--hurried, frantic and ineffective--"All sound and fury signifying nothing."  I look like I'm doing a bunch but nothing gets accomplished. 

That's when I have to make a choice:  Do I want to look good or be good?  Do I want to please men or God?  Proverbs 29:25 tells us the fear of man (people pleasing) is a snare.  When the boss shows up, people cry "Look busy!!" but that is a kind of work that just wears you out.  God's work is the kind of work that happens in pregnancy.  You do what you can and He does the real work.  That's what Jesus talked about when He said, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light."  It's not about image, it's about growing and stretching so that something vibrant and alive can be birthed in and through you. 

Father, I love Your stillness.  It gives me solid ground for standing and clarity of mind.  Thanks!

Middle of the Night worries

I awoke at 11 tonight and to the smell of hot wax. I awoke from a mild nightmare about losing my job--nothing truly disturbing, but wearisome. I've looked all over for the source of the smell and can only tell that it's inside our warm house and not outside and doesn't seem to be getting worse. The internet is clueless. I walked out to the air-handler and now my feet are dirty.

I know it wasn't my Friend who awoke me. When He calls, he leaves a calling card--usually on a clock somewhere. We made an agreement several years ago about nighttime rendezvous so that I could tell the difference.

So I'm up. It's not Him, it's me. I worry that I might have missed His call on other nights and my heart is becoming dull to His cry. He assures me otherwise. I do have fears--is the house burning down? Am I useless--at home and at work? Today was a long day and included a long string of headaches about the analysis part of a report that I thought was finished.

Ginny Owens has a really great song that includes all of her "pearls of wisdom" including this jem:

I don't know much, this much is true.
My worries are endless and answers are few.
But life has caused me to conclude,
I can face what I don't know by singin' about what I do.

Which leads me to:

Great is Thy faithfulness; Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning, new mercies I see.
All I have needed, Thy Hand hath provided.
Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

ok, that's not a bad place to go...Good night...

uncertainty

It feels strange that all of us are so profoundly influenced by circumstances that are so far out of our control--Maybe this is the first society that would even see that as strange.

I'm coming to realize that the Florida State Legislature may completely eliminate the need for most of what I do within the next few weeks. It is my job to make sure that when an individual development is planned, transportation facilities (read that "roads") will be available to serve all of the vehicular whims of its patrons, at least within the first 3 years. The unintended consequence of this policy has been that development doesn't occur in old areas because they're out of room to serve the cars they have. Instead, people build out in the hinterlands because there's still plenty of room to drive. The proposed laws mean Florida is throwing in the towel-- individual projects won't be judged that way. Instead the State will require the local jurisdictions to make sure that people can get from here to there, without insisting on how they do it. (I prefer teleportation.) This could be a disaster or a really good thing. No one knows yet.

So, I'm not sure what I'll end up doing, if I end up doing anything like what I do now. Yes, I'm wondering--with momentary lapses into worry. What is most comforting is my contract with the Father (see previous post). It's his job to keep me busy and fed. It's my job to do what He provides for me to do. I'm considering other careers, but until this evaporates--which may not be a long wait--I'm doing what my hand finds to do.

I have a feeling we're all facing this kind of uncertainty right now. We've provided really well for ourselves--what will happen when, through no fault of our own, we can no longer do that? We will sit down and cry. We will remember it wasn't us that provided in the first place. Then after some understandable grief, we will take our empty hands and open them toward the Father.

I love it when a plan comes together...

Journalling and God's presence

Yesterday in staff meeting they asked how we deal with worry. God has really freed me of a familial tendency to worry over the last few weeks--at least it isn't as bad as usual. After our company president mentioned prayer as one answer, I noted that a prayer journal helps me to let things go and trust that God has heard and does answer.

Unfortunately, a few months ago my dog ate my journal--the elegant brocade binding chewed, the velvet cover slobbered on. For awhile I could still use it but without the backs it was getting harder to write. Gone was my normal routine. I wake up in the night frustrated or worried and I don't have my journal to pour my prayers into. God's presence has been no less real and his comfort has not abated, but it puts a cramp into my style. You think I write a bunch here...

This weekend I glued it back together and am using up the final 10 pages or so. It's a relief to have it back, but it's equally comforting that even when I'm robbed of my normal pathways to His presence, His lovingkindness (hessed) endures forever.

This leads me to the book recommendation for the week. One of my all time favorite books is Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas. In it, he discusses 9 different ways to worship and how we all by gift or by temprement favor some over others. As a contemplative, I prefer quietly meditating or writing in my journal. Of course, I have day's that my favorite worship pathway is tilting windmills. It's comforting to me that the God of all of those pathways will use whatever is needed to connect with us, even when our normal routines are trashed...which seems to be more routine than not.