This decade's prayer

Letting go into a leap of faith...

Over the last decade, I've had the same prayer:

"Lord, I know I'm capable of a lot, but it is nothing in comparison to what You can do.  What I can do will never be enough.  I need You to do what You can do." 

I was born with great abilities.  My biggest struggle growing up has been figuring out the difference between what I could do and what I should do.  I have a better idea at 42 of what God has called me to, but mostly I've given up looking for a calling.  I do what the Lord says to do (as well as I can).  I trust Him and He leads me.  He sends me work.  He sends me people to pray for and tells me what to pray.  He hears me when I call, calms my fears and quiets me with His love.  He is amazing and I look forward to an eternity of exploring the depths of His presence. 

In the meantime, in answer to my prayer, He has placed me more than once in the position where I couldn't do anything.  He has lead me directly into situations that were beyond my capability to complete and left me hanging, waiting for Him to do what only He could do.  It hasn't stopped being frustrating.  It also hasn't stopped being amazing. 

For instance, my body doesn't do what it used to.  My kids take more attention.  So, I lost my job--the job He provided.  He pushed me almost immediately into creating a company.  It was almost 6 months before I had any work for my company, but in the meantime He provided good research work through UF and increased my husband's income by about 25%.  (He's having to learn to trust too).  I keep having to do things I don't think I can do and He keeps making up the difference. 

I don't trust in my own abilities to do anything of any consequence any more.  Only the work He does lasts--or even works for that matter.  Obedience isn't as much of a chore, it is the key to a spectactular adventure.  I can't wait each day to see what He's going to do next.  As with any other adventure, it's not always safe, but He's good and trustworthy. 

I don't know what's next, but I know Him and that's enough...

Crazy life...

Like most families, we are adjusting to the new school year with some bumps in the road.  I apologize for my spotty posts of late.  PJ and Kate start next week, but we started doing a developmental repair program for PJ this week that takes about 3 hours each day.  I've scheduled every activity and spread them out through the day, but it's a lot of work on top of school.  The specialist that put the program together recommended strongly that we take him out of school and homeschool him this year.  I'm not ready to do that, but I understand why she would recommend it. 

On top of all of this we have nearly every evening booked through Easter.  We have two nights each week that are tentatively roped off for family time.  The nice part about this is that I know what I'll be doing.  I have margin planned, but not a huge amount. 

I have come to love the freedom and spontenaity of the way God has been using me over the last few years.  I have loved that I have room in my schedule for interruptions.  Saturday night, my husband, John actually brought my own words back to me, reminding me that interruptions are people--I almost cried. 

Now, I guess I get to see how God works when life is busy.  I could be terrified that He will forget me. I'm more terrified that I will forget Him in the busy-ness He has orchestrated.  I can't do this without Him.  I know He is so present with me now--can He be just as present and guiding when there is no room that I can see for His interruptions?  I didn't want to have it that way.  He has wedged me here. 

I've made intentional choices in line with the priorities He has for our children and family.  I've talked over every commitment with John and he agrees they are all important--not just good, they are God priorities and He hasn't shut the door on any of them.  I've even turned down opportunities for ministry that I'd love right now because I just can't take on anything more.  Nearly all of the new commitments within my family fit within the schedule we've had for the last year.  Maybe I will still have all that spontenaity and I just don't know it yet.  

A this point I have a choice for fear or faith.  My heart is not comfortable with this--it feels like stretching.  I choose to trust that He will do far more than I could ask or think. 

Loved

As I look through my prayer journals, there's often a theme that my Friend continually reiterates.  For many years, it has been "Trust Me."  In this season, it has been:

"I love you." 

Love Poured Out
Tracey Bautista

Every woman desperately needs to know she is loved.  She can do anything as long as she feels it deep down in her heart.  She can gently, softly move the entire world.  Without it, she is a hollowed out shell, going through the motions, "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." 

I am not immune.  I need it as much as any other woman.  We are derived creatures, formidible and amazing, but created for the purpose of serving others; created to be gratefully adored.  This need leaves us vulnerable as we seek for that life-giving love from those we serve.  This is the essence of codependency:  I will serve and care for you in return for the love that defines me.  I will torment you with my service if you cannot or will not fill the aching hole in my heart.  In the end, it destroys both the lover and that which she loves.  The truth is that no man, no family can provide the kind of love that she needs to fill her heart and overflow into truly unconditional service. 

Man and woman were created together to grow into the full stature of Christ.  Jesus could give without expecting anything in return because of the love that His Father poured into and over him.  Without that love pouring into me, I will pour out what little I have and be left aching.  With His love, I am complete.  It takes a complete love to fill me.  It takes Hesed--the loyal lovingkindness only Jesus gives. 

As a pitcher, I run dry.  As a pipe, I can't help getting wet.  That's why Paul encourages us to, "Pray without ceasing."  It is not for God's sake that we pray continually.  We pray continually because we constantly need to be in contact with the source of the love that keeps us soft and pliable.  We give out love and care all the time.  If we are not connected to the source to be renewed, we will run out long before the need runs out.  When I rush around my day without contact with the Holy Spirit, I end the day feeling drained.  When I move in concert with His presence, I am continually refreshed and fall asleep contentedly with praise on my lips.  I am the branch.  He is the vine.  Apart from Him, I can do nothing but wither and die.

Men have slightly different needs, but they need to be connected all the same.  I'll talk about that tomorrow. 

Thank You, Father, Friend and the Lover of my Soul.  You are my source and I enjoy You. Keep me near You today.

Gratitude Check

Around our house we have two "checks."  The first one is an attitude check.  When someone is giving me a bad attitude, I say attitude check and the appropriate response is "Praise the Lord."  The second is a gratitude check.  It works best when we're overwhelmed.  I say gratitude check and a number.  The person then has to say that number of things for which they are grateful.  You can't say anything you've said before (unless you really mean it in a different way this time).  Usually by the time the attitude check or a Gratitude check is finished, perspective is regained and there is enough peace to move forward. 

Today is the first quiet day with no kids at home and no paid work to do.  I've been going over the program for PJ's therapy this year that the neurodevelopmentalist created.  If I were to do it all, the program would take 4 hours each day.  Too much.  I've pared it down and shifted some things throughout the day, but I'm still pretty overwhelmed.  It's a lot to do and every bit of it is important.  On top of 7th grade, it feels like a monumental undertaking.  My friend just called and she may get evicted this week while she's halfway across the country and can't do anything about it.  Double overwhelm. 

There are so many verses that run through my head:

• "My God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in Glory." 
• "I have been abased.  I have abounded.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "With God, nothing is impossible."
• "All things work together for the good of those who love Christ and are the called according to His purposes." 
• "Fear not, little ones. It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom."
• "All Your waves and breakers have washed over me."

Time for a Gratitude Check (7):

1. We know what's wrong with PJ and know what we can do about it.
2. Katie has good teachers and support staff and is doing as well as she can so she doesn't need a lot of attention right now.
3. Some of the work will overlap between the two kids--double benefit.
4. I'm not working full time in an office at the other side of town so I have the time to work with him.
5. I have time to organize a schedule and systems that will help keep us on track.
6. I am not alone--The Lord, My God, is my Father, my friend and my love.  He is with me and will help me do this.
7. I am trained as an engineer and know how to systematically break big jobs down into managable pieces.  I wasn't born that way, but I can do it because I have been trained to do it.

 Thank You, Father.  I trust You to help me do all I need to do.

Out of work, again?

I have to admit.  Trust doesn't come easy with Me.  The Lord works really hard to continue to win my trust--something He shouldn't have to do, but He condescends to my weakness. 

This week I turned in the final report draft to our review team.  As soon as I turned it in, John asked me if that means my job is over. The truth is that it probably does.  There will be a little more work but it will end soon. When I lost my job 17 months ago, I started a business and it's doing ok, but not great--we've done better than break even but it hasn't brought in anything close to the income I made before.  I got this job working for UF when I looked into do a PhD.  It's been a good research project and it's come out in a completely different way than it would have with a typical grad student straight out of school.  It's also been a small but steady income. 

Most of the time, I'm not all that concerned about that because I really do trust that the Lord will provide. When He asked me to go back to work, I went back on the condition that I would do what He sent me, but I wouldn't look for it.  That way things wouldn't get out of balance.  He's always sent me what I needed and we're doing ok. 

Just as a confirmation that He will provide, less than an hour after I sent the last chapter out, I received the contract I've been expecting for over a month.  Yaay!!  So what about the worry?  It's a continuing services contract--I need to have costly insurance for it and I have no idea if I'll get any work from it at all.  It's just a part of business and I knew I would need to do it at some point.  A contract is a contract--and a glimmer of hope for consistent work. 

Still, I'm human and My Father and Friend knows that at some point I could worry and I don't like to risk money.  Just so that I would really get that He has this all in His control, last night He set up another divine appointment:

As I went into the prayer room before the service, I felt a familiar divine stillness--He wasn't pressing me to pray about anything, just wait in His presence.  I could hear the worship time coming to an end but His presence wouldn't lift and allow me to go into join it.  After a little while, the same couple came in and joined me that had come a few weeks ago.  I prayed with them again and they chose to stay and just sit in the stillness with me.  I laid hands on his head to pray for him because he has frequent headaches.  Usually as God heals people when I lay hands on them I feel their pain and feel it release as He provides healing. It gives me a sense of compassion for them, shows me where to pray and sometimes even why they hurt.  This time, though I felt the Spirit's blessing on Him, I felt nothing else. 

We talked for awhile longer about the delight of seeing God work and at some point I mentioned that I happen to be a traffic engineer.  He mentioned his fears about a roadway that had been planned through a mobile home park he owns.  Before we parted, he asked for a business card.  There are many ways I could help him in the future, if he needs it.  Nothing is guaranteed, but I could easily recognize the nod from My Friend that He has my work life in His control.

Thanks!

Going home...

Like many in the development industry, our company has struggled through this economic crisis. We've looked for new clients, spoiled old clients and done all we can to hang in there. Still, two weeks ago we had to let a huge number of people go. Some of them had great places to go; many of them didn't. We just didn't have enough work to keep them going. I'm sure few of them were surprised, but it doesn't make it hurt less for any of us. To avoid more layoffs and keep us at a level that we can still pay our bills, some of us were asked to go to a 32 hour work week--including me. I start tomorrow.

For me, this is a God-send. Since I went back to full time work two years ago, I've wrestled constantly with the fact that my kids need more than 2 hours of my time each day and the fact that an engineer is usually expected to keep lawyer's hours. My own boss is nowhere near that demanding, but I have expectations about what I need to be able to do the job well. I've read time management gurus talking about "crunching your can" (doing more because you set a tight time boundary and made your time more effective), but I don't know that it really works that way. Another part of the job is the connection between people. (whine, whine...)

The truth is, keeping track of two kids, both with their own special needs, is a full time job on its own. Even if they didn't have struggles beyond most ordinary kids, they deserve more than 2 or 3 hours a day from their mom. The deserve more than that from their Dad. It doesn't always work that way. Guilt is an ordinary part of parenting, but after awhile you really get down to the fact that you are just guilty, you don't just feel guilty.

People all over the world work hard; many harder than we do and for much less. Still, it seems like most of them get to do that alongside their kids and it makes it a little more sane. I love my children and I miss them. When you do head work, it's harder to find ways to include them in it. Dropping to 32 hours a week means that I can log the hard hours early in the morning a few days a week and pick them up myself after school every day. I still won't be able to be class mom or volunteer for field trips, but at least I'll be able to spend the 2 hours doing homework that they need and still have some time left to cook a healthy meal, teach them to keep a house straight or just have some fun. The money will be less, but that's ok. I don't know that we could break even without my work, but losing that 8 hours won't kill our finances and I'll get to enjoy this time in their lives instead of forever regretting missing it.

I have my hesitations. Will I get ignored or passed over? Maybe. Will people forget to give me work and cost me my job? Possible. Will I even be able to keep house at all? I didn't do that very well before...

After PJ was born, I had not planned on going back to work until they were in college. When the Lord convinced me that it was in His plan, I went back, but my agreement with Him was as follows:

You are the boss
You send the work
I do what you send
I'm not looking for work.

Part of my job description now is to look for work, so that last part has gone by the wayside, but the first three definately still hold true. I haven't run out of work, though I have come close at times. Even if I lose my job entirely, I know my God, my friend, will take care of me, though it may not be as comfortable as we are now. He still blesses my work but I'm delighted that He cares enough about my children to allow these limits that they need so desperately. We're going to be ok--probably even better than before.