This decade's prayer

Letting go into a leap of faith...

Over the last decade, I've had the same prayer:

"Lord, I know I'm capable of a lot, but it is nothing in comparison to what You can do.  What I can do will never be enough.  I need You to do what You can do." 

I was born with great abilities.  My biggest struggle growing up has been figuring out the difference between what I could do and what I should do.  I have a better idea at 42 of what God has called me to, but mostly I've given up looking for a calling.  I do what the Lord says to do (as well as I can).  I trust Him and He leads me.  He sends me work.  He sends me people to pray for and tells me what to pray.  He hears me when I call, calms my fears and quiets me with His love.  He is amazing and I look forward to an eternity of exploring the depths of His presence. 

In the meantime, in answer to my prayer, He has placed me more than once in the position where I couldn't do anything.  He has lead me directly into situations that were beyond my capability to complete and left me hanging, waiting for Him to do what only He could do.  It hasn't stopped being frustrating.  It also hasn't stopped being amazing. 

For instance, my body doesn't do what it used to.  My kids take more attention.  So, I lost my job--the job He provided.  He pushed me almost immediately into creating a company.  It was almost 6 months before I had any work for my company, but in the meantime He provided good research work through UF and increased my husband's income by about 25%.  (He's having to learn to trust too).  I keep having to do things I don't think I can do and He keeps making up the difference. 

I don't trust in my own abilities to do anything of any consequence any more.  Only the work He does lasts--or even works for that matter.  Obedience isn't as much of a chore, it is the key to a spectactular adventure.  I can't wait each day to see what He's going to do next.  As with any other adventure, it's not always safe, but He's good and trustworthy. 

I don't know what's next, but I know Him and that's enough...

Miracles...

Tonight, the sermon was on miracles.  Jesus came to show himself as God and he proved it through the miracles He did.  His miracles were both a sign, pointing out who he was and where the real source of power is, but also a window into a world rescued from the fall.  They pointed out where God was doing a new thing. 

Since we believe that God still does miracles, particularly when He is doing a new thing in our lives, our pastor invited people to come up and pray with our team of intercessors and pastors.  We have a great team and many of them came out on a Saturday night, even though they are usually only at church on Sunday morning.  It is such an unbelievable privilege to walk people boldly to the throne of God Himself, first to see the majesty of His face and then in seeing Him, rejoice at His willingness and power to meet their need and display His glory.

Several of the people I prayed with were clearly divine appointments.  One is a longtime friend who didn't even need to tell me what her heart was aching over, but at the Throne, the Lord provided a new avenue for prayer that will truly break open the situation.  Another was a person in tears who needs a new job and needs relationship repairs, but needs to know God is there with her far more than she needs the provision in her circumstances--I can understand that too.  The last one I prayed with was a mom who just wants her daughter to speak.  I can't even count the times my heart has broken wanting my own daughter to speak.  After we prayed, I was delighted to welcome her and her daughter to our Saturday night service, letting her know that her 8 year old will be just as welcome as my own 10 year old. 

This is the stuff.  There's nothing like it, short of spending time before His glorious face myself.   What a joy!  The real miracle is that He could use a proud, silly, over-educated slacker like myself to delight in His work, treasuring a role that is decidedly behind the scenes. 

Now we get to see what God gets to do with all we have asked.  My Father is amazing. 

Dreamscaping 16, Why plan?

At first glance, this verse is frustrating.  When I make plans, I want them to happen.  There's no guarantee in this verse that things will work out that way.  In fact, it almost implies the opposite--that we can plan all day long and our planning is futile in comparison to the purposes of God. 

I have noticed several things about plans. 

• I almost never end up following the plan perfectly.  The day gets a schedule and life happens instead.  The project gets a timetable and a task list and things intervene or the goals change.  
• Without a plan, nothing really happens.  When I get frustrated by the fact that the schedule didn't happen and give up on planning, nothing happens at all.  the day gets frittered away. 
• I don't always know what I really want.  I might set up objective benchmarks and plan steps to get my goals achieved, but too many times I've found myself climbing fast up a ladder that was on the wrong building.  A plan that goes perfectly to achive a bad goal is not a good thing.  A plan that goes perfectly to achieve a good goal when I'm supposed to be chasing a God thing is an even worse thing because it takes longer to figure out I'm on the wrong ladder.
• God has a plan and He doesn't always let me in on it and He rarely does one thing at a time--He is the ultimate multitasker.   Sometimes I can even see His plans and some of the reasons why He does things, only to find that He has a much wider scope in mind and is is working multiple plans toward multiple goals. 

That's one reason this verse ultimately becomes very comforting to me.  He doesn't chide us for having plans.  He encourages diligent, consistent planning as we partner with Him.  He makes plans.  He expects us to do no differently.  He even laughs at our plans when they are silly or when we're full of ourselves.  I haven't quit planning because His plans are better than mine.  I just try desperately to make my plans alongside Him in concentrated prayer and then hold my plans with a loose grip.  I don't want to miss out on His plan because I'm chasing mine--especially since my goal is to build His Kingdom, not mine. 

It also takes the pressure off my planning to some extent.  If it's His purpose that will ultimately prevail, I can mess things up pretty badly in my human weakness and innocent incompetence and He will still bring it together to accomplish the purposes He had in mind.  I don't want to miss out on being a part of His plan coming together for the best good possible so I plan and I plan carefully, but it wasn't My purpose that has to prevail.  Only His purpose counts and that's guaranteed. 

It's all good. 

Hurry Sickness

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.  II Peter 3:9

This morning a good friend from down the street was complaining about how rude it was for their behavioral therapist to show up late every week.  It took some time to explain, but a person who has to wait an infinite amount of time for a child to intentionally bend their will to hers has probably got to see time in a completely different way than one who runs an entire theme park (like he does). 

Yesterday I wrote about how gently the Lord condescends to my weak faith, gently teaching me that my trust in Him is not misplaced.  This morning He filled in a few more thoughts to chew on:

"You have set out to test me within the context of your business.  Am I not trustworthy?  I only delay to increase your faith.  I cannot always answer right away.  I often have other pieces that need to come together before I can provide—things that have nothing to do with you.  I need you to trust Me whether My answers come quickly or delay so that I am free to work in all of the hearts involved, in the same, gentle, condescending way that I work in you."

I often suffer from what John Ortberg calls "Hurry Sickness."  I want answers, and I want them now.  It's a subtle form of pride.  My priorities and timing are more important than anyone else, so they should get me what I want and get out of my way.  Unfortunately, sometimes I end up treating God that way too.  I want my heart to be at peace because I know everything is handled.  He wants to BE my peace and walk in relationship with me.  I would never say out loud that my priorities and timing are more important than God's priorities and timing, but that's exactly what I'm saying when I cry out like a toddler, "I want what I want when I want it!!!"  A toddler only cares about his own needs.  Maturing means thinking of others--and when I get in a hurry it's almost always because I've forgotten to care about what others need and the pace they need it. 

I want what You want, when You want it, Lord.  Thank You for teaching me to enjoy You in the wait--even when it scares me. 

Out of work, again?

I have to admit.  Trust doesn't come easy with Me.  The Lord works really hard to continue to win my trust--something He shouldn't have to do, but He condescends to my weakness. 

This week I turned in the final report draft to our review team.  As soon as I turned it in, John asked me if that means my job is over. The truth is that it probably does.  There will be a little more work but it will end soon. When I lost my job 17 months ago, I started a business and it's doing ok, but not great--we've done better than break even but it hasn't brought in anything close to the income I made before.  I got this job working for UF when I looked into do a PhD.  It's been a good research project and it's come out in a completely different way than it would have with a typical grad student straight out of school.  It's also been a small but steady income. 

Most of the time, I'm not all that concerned about that because I really do trust that the Lord will provide. When He asked me to go back to work, I went back on the condition that I would do what He sent me, but I wouldn't look for it.  That way things wouldn't get out of balance.  He's always sent me what I needed and we're doing ok. 

Just as a confirmation that He will provide, less than an hour after I sent the last chapter out, I received the contract I've been expecting for over a month.  Yaay!!  So what about the worry?  It's a continuing services contract--I need to have costly insurance for it and I have no idea if I'll get any work from it at all.  It's just a part of business and I knew I would need to do it at some point.  A contract is a contract--and a glimmer of hope for consistent work. 

Still, I'm human and My Father and Friend knows that at some point I could worry and I don't like to risk money.  Just so that I would really get that He has this all in His control, last night He set up another divine appointment:

As I went into the prayer room before the service, I felt a familiar divine stillness--He wasn't pressing me to pray about anything, just wait in His presence.  I could hear the worship time coming to an end but His presence wouldn't lift and allow me to go into join it.  After a little while, the same couple came in and joined me that had come a few weeks ago.  I prayed with them again and they chose to stay and just sit in the stillness with me.  I laid hands on his head to pray for him because he has frequent headaches.  Usually as God heals people when I lay hands on them I feel their pain and feel it release as He provides healing. It gives me a sense of compassion for them, shows me where to pray and sometimes even why they hurt.  This time, though I felt the Spirit's blessing on Him, I felt nothing else. 

We talked for awhile longer about the delight of seeing God work and at some point I mentioned that I happen to be a traffic engineer.  He mentioned his fears about a roadway that had been planned through a mobile home park he owns.  Before we parted, he asked for a business card.  There are many ways I could help him in the future, if he needs it.  Nothing is guaranteed, but I could easily recognize the nod from My Friend that He has my work life in His control.

Thanks!

Finishing well...

Today I finished the final draft for the last two chapters of the report I've been working on for over a year.  I struggle to finish anything.  I don't know why.  I've been trying to figure it out of months.  The report was due at the end of April, but the model wasn't working so we ended up getting a 3 month extension.  I'll have comments to address over the next few days, but the work is basically finished. 


I know my fears have something to do with the fear of the criticism that will inevitably come with the submission.  I like to please people and I hate it when I don't understand how to give them what they want.  Maybe I fear that I'll lose the meaning of my life when I don't have this to work on anymore--that feels closer, but not on target either.  There are so many times that the Lord places me where I need to be to do good work. 

When I went to the Lord, He told me that this is where I struggle with change.  Some people struggle when new things come along.  I struggle when old things end, particularly if I don't know what's next--and right now I don't know what's next.  I have to stand at the edge of this cliff, waiting and watching for whatever is to come along next.  I know it will come, but I feel more comfortable making progress than sitting still.  I've learned so much about being in the moment and trusting even when I can't see, but it's clear I still have a long way to go. 

I'm believing there is a picnic waiting for me at the edge of this cliff and that He and I will enjoy each other's company. 

Dreamscaping 10-Timing is everything

Moses was 80 years old when God came back to him with the dream of freeing his people from their slavery.  At that point, he didn't even remember the dream.  When God finally laid down the law and refused to let Moses out of his own dream's fulfilment it happened suddenly--over a matter of a few months. 

Last night I opened to Isaiah 60--a passage that speaks of the new Jerusalem.  At the very end in verse 22 is this promise: 

"I am the Lord;  in its time I will do this swiftly."

I called a friend this morning to check on her.  Her circumstances are difficult and not likely to change without a miracle.  Her instructions from the Father are to wait on Him--He has it all under control. 

Mom and Baby PJ--12 years ago!!

It bears repeating that when God works it's more like pregnancy than frantic action.  When it comes time to deliver, then things happen swiftly, but otherwise the changes consist of a gradual stretching.  After the delivery, the work is a joy as you care for a child you deeply love.  Our sons are entering their teenage years and we are both so astounded and proud of the Godly young men they are becoming.  Neither of us remember all of the work through the years that brought them to that place.  Even their painful deliveries are no more than a faded memory.  Neither of us care about the continuing work that goes on with them to this day--it is our priviledge, not a burden. 

Jesus came "in the fullness of time."  We had 3 years of His ministry to us out of 7,000 years of recorded history.  His death and resurrection came and went in a matter of days.  Yet, even though it was a pinpoint in history, the impact remains and His nurturing care continues in us and through us. 

The point is, whatever season you are in, do the work and enjoy the company!  If it is a season of carrying an unborn dream, nurture yourself well.  Accept the stretching.  Revel in the Father's support.  If it is delivery time, then work with all your heart.  It won't last long and He's by your side.  If it is the long season of nurturing and care, revel in it as well--we are but a vapor, but what God says and does will be eternal.  Rejoice in the Lord of the conception, the birth, the growth and the harvest.   Move with His timing for He is the one who sets times and seasons.  Most importantly, pray continually so you can understand the time you are in and enjoy His company along the way.