Loved

As I look through my prayer journals, there's often a theme that my Friend continually reiterates.  For many years, it has been "Trust Me."  In this season, it has been:

"I love you." 

Love Poured Out
Tracey Bautista

Every woman desperately needs to know she is loved.  She can do anything as long as she feels it deep down in her heart.  She can gently, softly move the entire world.  Without it, she is a hollowed out shell, going through the motions, "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." 

I am not immune.  I need it as much as any other woman.  We are derived creatures, formidible and amazing, but created for the purpose of serving others; created to be gratefully adored.  This need leaves us vulnerable as we seek for that life-giving love from those we serve.  This is the essence of codependency:  I will serve and care for you in return for the love that defines me.  I will torment you with my service if you cannot or will not fill the aching hole in my heart.  In the end, it destroys both the lover and that which she loves.  The truth is that no man, no family can provide the kind of love that she needs to fill her heart and overflow into truly unconditional service. 

Man and woman were created together to grow into the full stature of Christ.  Jesus could give without expecting anything in return because of the love that His Father poured into and over him.  Without that love pouring into me, I will pour out what little I have and be left aching.  With His love, I am complete.  It takes a complete love to fill me.  It takes Hesed--the loyal lovingkindness only Jesus gives. 

As a pitcher, I run dry.  As a pipe, I can't help getting wet.  That's why Paul encourages us to, "Pray without ceasing."  It is not for God's sake that we pray continually.  We pray continually because we constantly need to be in contact with the source of the love that keeps us soft and pliable.  We give out love and care all the time.  If we are not connected to the source to be renewed, we will run out long before the need runs out.  When I rush around my day without contact with the Holy Spirit, I end the day feeling drained.  When I move in concert with His presence, I am continually refreshed and fall asleep contentedly with praise on my lips.  I am the branch.  He is the vine.  Apart from Him, I can do nothing but wither and die.

Men have slightly different needs, but they need to be connected all the same.  I'll talk about that tomorrow. 

Thank You, Father, Friend and the Lover of my Soul.  You are my source and I enjoy You. Keep me near You today.

Gratitude Check

Around our house we have two "checks."  The first one is an attitude check.  When someone is giving me a bad attitude, I say attitude check and the appropriate response is "Praise the Lord."  The second is a gratitude check.  It works best when we're overwhelmed.  I say gratitude check and a number.  The person then has to say that number of things for which they are grateful.  You can't say anything you've said before (unless you really mean it in a different way this time).  Usually by the time the attitude check or a Gratitude check is finished, perspective is regained and there is enough peace to move forward. 

Today is the first quiet day with no kids at home and no paid work to do.  I've been going over the program for PJ's therapy this year that the neurodevelopmentalist created.  If I were to do it all, the program would take 4 hours each day.  Too much.  I've pared it down and shifted some things throughout the day, but I'm still pretty overwhelmed.  It's a lot to do and every bit of it is important.  On top of 7th grade, it feels like a monumental undertaking.  My friend just called and she may get evicted this week while she's halfway across the country and can't do anything about it.  Double overwhelm. 

There are so many verses that run through my head:

• "My God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in Glory." 
• "I have been abased.  I have abounded.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "With God, nothing is impossible."
• "All things work together for the good of those who love Christ and are the called according to His purposes." 
• "Fear not, little ones. It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom."
• "All Your waves and breakers have washed over me."

Time for a Gratitude Check (7):

1. We know what's wrong with PJ and know what we can do about it.
2. Katie has good teachers and support staff and is doing as well as she can so she doesn't need a lot of attention right now.
3. Some of the work will overlap between the two kids--double benefit.
4. I'm not working full time in an office at the other side of town so I have the time to work with him.
5. I have time to organize a schedule and systems that will help keep us on track.
6. I am not alone--The Lord, My God, is my Father, my friend and my love.  He is with me and will help me do this.
7. I am trained as an engineer and know how to systematically break big jobs down into managable pieces.  I wasn't born that way, but I can do it because I have been trained to do it.

 Thank You, Father.  I trust You to help me do all I need to do.

A breather...

Life is not always a flower strewn path.  It's often through the brambles.  Still, sometimes you get to stop for a minute and revel in the stillness of God and the beauty of His creation. 

Be with Him.

Enjoy Him.

He's waiting for you.

"If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."  Jer. 29:13

Parenting with the future in mind...

When PJ was little, complete strangers would come up to me and rave that I was the most amazing mother.  I had no idea what they were talking about.  PJ was an easy kid.  He was alert, even tempered and easy to calm when he got upset--which was rare.  Looking back, I was alert, even tempered and rarely got upset myself. 

Most of this I attribute to the fact that I had some great parenting mentors who taught me to first pray for my children and then train them with the end in mind.  I was taught by Godly women to parent him in light of how I wanted him to see  the world as a man.  They taught me to only ask him to do something if I really intended to follow through and make him do it.  Full obedience was immediate, complete, cheerful and without comment or it wasn't obedience.  The obedience I was to demand from him was the kind of obedience that he would one day give to God himself.  In the same way, if you could say yes, you did.  It was ok to say no, but the leaning was toward yes, not no--because we live the same generous life that God Himself does. 

When Katie came along, it was hard in so many ways, but the hardest was that I just couldn't envision her future.  What would she look like as a grown woman with Down syndrome?  Her future was so painful to think about, I lost my way as a parent to her, and to some extent to my son as well.  About that time, PJ had neurological issues that completely changed his entire personality as well and I floundered.  Our days became a flurry of therapies, worries, panic and grief.  I still don't know that we have completely regained our equilibrium.  I'm not sure we ever will. 

I have regained some of the future focus in my parenting.  It made a difference when it came time to talk to PJ about the facts of life.  Bringing his future wife into that discussion provided a context that I couldn't give him in any other way.  I'm still working on regaining a focus on character traits they will need as Godly adults.  Jon Gordon's quote really goes to the heart of the matter.  I could focus on getting them to behave the way I want, but mostly, I want them to be everything God created them to be, regardless of what occupation or life style they ultimately have.  I don't know if Kate will live independently, have a job or a spouse.  The thought of grandchildren seems too much to even entertain.  She will still need to obey immediately.  She will still need to think of others before herself and live with great sense of generosity.  She will need to know who God is and need to relate to Him for herself. 

Today, my kids were pretty wiggly in a women's clothing store and I ended up telling them the old adage, "Children should be seen and not heard"--mostly because they were being pretty frisky and a little loud. Later on, in the car, PJ and I talked about it more.  It does still apply, in that when anyone--children or adults--can engage someone else, looking to understand them and draw their real self out, they may earn the right to be heard and understood for themselves. 

I really look forward to seeing Him as a grown man, and I'm coming to terms with Katie's future, though there is still so much uncertainty there.  She wants a "truck" of her own, just like mommy.  I trust her and she acts independently in many situations with little fear.  She has been known to be a flight risk at times, but not for the sake of running away from us.  A few years ago she walked away from an evening family gathering at Downtown Disney without any of the 9 of us noticing until she was gone without a trace.  We had been talking about where we were going next and she just decided to leave instead of talking about it.  We found her at the Lego Store, contentedly playing, with absolutely no fear.  She and her brother played hide and seek (more quietly) in the fabric store later in the day today and they both came immediately when I called them.  She can feed herself at home, and often does, even if she can't reach the plates without climbing on the counter .  She's learning to ride a bike.  One of my closest friends sees my boldness and dynamic personality in Katie.  I have come to see her as Katherine, which means pure, undiluted, full strength--eu de parfum, not toilet water. 

I still don't know what kind of life she will have, but I know God has a plan for her life no less than He has planned for mine or PJ's.  I can try to teach her the character traits that will help her fulfill His dreams for her, but I'm not sure I could do much more than steer her, even if I wanted to.  The Lord holds her future and she loves and knows him for herself already--and that's enough.

Dreamscaping 16, Why plan?

At first glance, this verse is frustrating.  When I make plans, I want them to happen.  There's no guarantee in this verse that things will work out that way.  In fact, it almost implies the opposite--that we can plan all day long and our planning is futile in comparison to the purposes of God. 

I have noticed several things about plans. 

• I almost never end up following the plan perfectly.  The day gets a schedule and life happens instead.  The project gets a timetable and a task list and things intervene or the goals change.  
• Without a plan, nothing really happens.  When I get frustrated by the fact that the schedule didn't happen and give up on planning, nothing happens at all.  the day gets frittered away. 
• I don't always know what I really want.  I might set up objective benchmarks and plan steps to get my goals achieved, but too many times I've found myself climbing fast up a ladder that was on the wrong building.  A plan that goes perfectly to achive a bad goal is not a good thing.  A plan that goes perfectly to achieve a good goal when I'm supposed to be chasing a God thing is an even worse thing because it takes longer to figure out I'm on the wrong ladder.
• God has a plan and He doesn't always let me in on it and He rarely does one thing at a time--He is the ultimate multitasker.   Sometimes I can even see His plans and some of the reasons why He does things, only to find that He has a much wider scope in mind and is is working multiple plans toward multiple goals. 

That's one reason this verse ultimately becomes very comforting to me.  He doesn't chide us for having plans.  He encourages diligent, consistent planning as we partner with Him.  He makes plans.  He expects us to do no differently.  He even laughs at our plans when they are silly or when we're full of ourselves.  I haven't quit planning because His plans are better than mine.  I just try desperately to make my plans alongside Him in concentrated prayer and then hold my plans with a loose grip.  I don't want to miss out on His plan because I'm chasing mine--especially since my goal is to build His Kingdom, not mine. 

It also takes the pressure off my planning to some extent.  If it's His purpose that will ultimately prevail, I can mess things up pretty badly in my human weakness and innocent incompetence and He will still bring it together to accomplish the purposes He had in mind.  I don't want to miss out on being a part of His plan coming together for the best good possible so I plan and I plan carefully, but it wasn't My purpose that has to prevail.  Only His purpose counts and that's guaranteed. 

It's all good. 

What makes me a good steward of my belief...

A friend asked today: "I would like for you all to weigh in on what makes anyone a good steward of their belief."  This is a really good question.  The verse that immediately came to mind is this: 

"I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day."  II Timothy 1:12  (it's even a song...that's why I have it memorized in King James--Sorry for the antique language.)

To me, being a good steward of Biblical Christianity is pretty well summed up in this verse:

1. I know the One I have believed.   I also know He is Holy and I am not. I cannot live up to His standard of Holiness any more than I could jump the Grand Canyon. I am not worthy of being in relationship with Him but He has made a way.  Therefore, I know Him more intimately than I know my own husband and He knows me even more intimately than that.  My stewardship involves daily, consistently cultivating that relationship by seeking Him for myself. 
2. I am pursuaded He is able.  I have seen by experience that He is trustworthy.  I continue to choose to trust Him.  I am also pursuaded that I am not able.  No good works of mine could erase my inability to be fit to be in relationship with Him without something to bridge that gap.  I don't just feel guilty.  I am culpable before a living God who has the right to demand of me complete perfection to be in His presence.
3. He is able to keep all that I have committed unto Him.  Since I cannot remedy this predicament, I have committed myself and my fate to His remedy.  To the best of my ability, I have committed all I have and am to His Lordship.  I am a part of His Kingdom because I choose for Him to be King in all of my affairs.
4. Against That Day.  There is a day for which I have had good reason to be afraid.  One who loves infinitely is also infinitely injured by the abuses I have caused to those He loves.  True love requires justice.  I should be held accountable for that which I have done that isn't consistent with His love for others--even if it's just missing the mark.  That is the definition of sin--missing God's mark.  Biblical Christianity recognizes this.  The fair wages to be paid for sin are death (I John 1:9).  I was created to be in relationship with God and my snubs of Him and His standards are worthy of death.  Jesus had no penalty to pay for himself and was therefore able to pay the wages for what I have done, along with the rest of humanity.  It is a free gift and includes both eternal life and adoption into His own family.  Of course, as a part of the family, there are house rules--some of which I can't yet keep--but I deeply want to.  As a dearly loved child, I desire to become like my beloved Daddy.  I obey out of profound gratitude for all He has done for me.   Obedience is only possible because He has given His own Holy Spirit to write His law on my heart in the context of an ongoing intimate relationship.  I do have the option to follow the poem Invictus, choosing to be the "master of my own fate", and God will allow that choice.  He will not force Himself on us.  He has created a place where He Is Not for those who want to be their own masters, but it is described as burning with the intensity of brimstone.  It is a place of intense lack, need and unfulfilment.  What else could it be since God is the source of all generosity, provision and good?  If it is true that we were created to be in relationship with God it also means being infinitely thwarted in the very purpose for which we were made.  It is, by definition, a lonely, selfish place created for demons who, after having seen an infinitely good God, have chosen their way over God's way. 

 This is the core of Christianity.  Being a steward of that belief means recognizing the free will of all men and the infinite workings of a soverign, fore-knowing God.  It means doing my best in the power of the Holy Spirit to give everyone I know the opportunity to see the nature of the created universe from the perspective of its Creator who is also my friend. 

It is the default position of the human heart to choose our own way rather than His way, particularly if His way hasn't been made clear and we don't understand the consequences of our own way.  Unencumbered by the facts, our own ideas seem right.  A disabled child might just think she can fly off her 3rd floor AC unit if she doesn't realize the laws of gravity will cause her pain when she hits the ground.  The law of gravity wasn't at fault and wasn't going to change just because she didn't understand it.  Thankfully, Jesus came to catch us, just like the bus driver who caught that little girl and suffered great injury in the catch.  It is their own choice to recognize the laws of the Creator or choose to see only themselves as the final accountability in their world.  Ironically, I don't know anyone who can even live up to their own standards, much less God's.   

People see it as proselytizing. I see it as reality check.  I hope that helps.

Taking thoughts captive, she is now free

Last night, I talked about guarding our hearts with a dear friend of mine.  She's been terrified of leaving her house since her abusive husband got out of jail.  Even though there is a restraining order and seeing her would mean a parole violation that would get him sent back to prison, she's still worried.  I can understand, but it's been over 18 months since she last saw him, other than in court and she is such a people person.  For the last few months, she's been doing her laundry in her bathtub even though she has terrible back pain. 

As we talked about her fears and hesitation, she first pointed out that it's painful to bend down to put her clothes in the washer and dryer.  We took that before the ultimate judge, our Heavenly Father, and He confirmed that this is, in fact, the case.  However, when we looked a bit closer at the issue, she also recognized that it's even more painful to do her laundry in the bathtub. 

Next, she pointed out that she felt ashamed and judged when people saw her hobbling around.  So we took that to the Father for judgement as well.  The first thing that He brought to her mind was that it shouldn't matter to her what they think.  What immediately came to my mind (and took my breath away) was the thought that if she wasn't there they couldn't see her and she couldn't see them.  There might be people who needed her. 

She remembered then how she would go everywhere on her scooter handing out tracts, witnessing to people, constantly telling them about Jesus.  She realized that her fears were probably demonic, encouraged by the enemy to keep her from witnessing as she had before.  At this, her entire perspective changed.  We even talked about what would happen if she saw her soon to be ex-husband.  She has often cried out that she didn't even get to say goodbye.  The last time she saw him, he was being carried off by the police for beating her nearly senseless, throwing her in the road in front of an oncoming car, then keeping her in his back seat as the police chased them around town.  She admitted that it would be disturbing to see him again, and I agreed.  But she also said that she could call 911, and I reminded her that she could say goodbye to him as she called 911. 

I left her with the quarters to do her laundry, explaining that she has a boldness to witness that I often wish I had.  Investing in her doing her laundry at her complex advances the Kingdom of God and is a good investment, as far as I'm concerned.  At that, she got even more excited. 

And I'm even more excited than she is to see the fruit of our labors together.