Today I finished the final draft for the last two chapters of the report I've been working on for over a year. I struggle to finish anything. I don't know why. I've been trying to figure it out of months. The report was due at the end of April, but the model wasn't working so we ended up getting a 3 month extension. I'll have comments to address over the next few days, but the work is basically finished.
I know my fears have something to do with the fear of the criticism that will inevitably come with the submission. I like to please people and I hate it when I don't understand how to give them what they want. Maybe I fear that I'll lose the meaning of my life when I don't have this to work on anymore--that feels closer, but not on target either. There are so many times that the Lord places me where I need to be to do good work.
When I went to the Lord, He told me that this is where I struggle with change. Some people struggle when new things come along. I struggle when old things end, particularly if I don't know what's next--and right now I don't know what's next. I have to stand at the edge of this cliff, waiting and watching for whatever is to come along next. I know it will come, but I feel more comfortable making progress than sitting still. I've learned so much about being in the moment and trusting even when I can't see, but it's clear I still have a long way to go.
I'm believing there is a picnic waiting for me at the edge of this cliff and that He and I will enjoy each other's company.