I love the way our holidays mark the end of the year. Thanksgiving provides an opportunity to review with gratitude what has happened through the year. December is a series of parties, events, gift-giving--all focused on connecting and reconnecting with the people around us. Christmas reminds us about Emmanuel--God with Us, regardless of what the commercialism does. This leaves us with a full week to reorder our thoughts, usually away from the pressures of work, and prepare for the year to come.
As I look back, I see that this has been a remarkably difficult year for us yet God is faithful and I am at peace (though that could be partly the anti-depressant--better living through chemistry!) For the first time in my life I truly trust God. So often in the past we would have a crisis and I would get to the breaking point where I would finally, stubbornly, trust God and He would come through. I've been there for a long time now. I'm learning the dichotomy acting as I rest in Him. It is frighting sometimes but I dwell with Him and that is enough.
PJ got braces today. He was not happy at all. Several times a day he comes up to vehemently avow his love and devotion to me, but for the first time today he asked me point blank, "Do you love me?" I could see that he was struggling with a mom that says and acts like she loves him but puts braces on him anyway. Surprisingly, I didn't feel the least bit hurt by the question--I understood where it came from. I always wondered if God understood when I needed reassurance or felt hurt because I still didn't trust Him. It is even more comforting to me to now understand first-hand how that works.