If I'm going to share the progress, I guess I have to share the victory in the regresses as well...
Counseling didn't go so well this week--not a fluffy, happy time, but (duh) that's what we're there for. The issues were longstanding and unresolved and though we walked in there together, we left as distant as ever, maybe more. I guess John just thought we had completely fixed everything in one fell swoop and was shocked to see it wasn't. I hated to bring up the places where we still need work, but pretending everything is ok is what got us here.
So we're on day 3 of silence again...oh well. So how do you sleep next to someone who hates you for bringing up the hateful things he has done in the past and continues to do?
As my friend posted this morning, "I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord." The Holy Spirit, our comforter and friend, brings news of Christ's love and the Father's tender care, and sleep is sweet. It's ironic that the times that I am least loved in a human sense are often the times I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of God's love for me. He loved me (and loved John) when we were truly enemies of God and sent his son to die for me. So even when the one I love is in a 'mood,' I can feel and give the love God has for him, and I really feel the love I channel from the Father and admire the man God made him to be, even if he isn't living up to that right now. The pipe can't help getting wet.
Does that mean I ignore the issues that got us here because it is upsetting? No, but until John is ready to deal with them, I can love him anyway with the Father's pure, unsullied love. When he is ready to heal and reconcile I'll be delighted to go forward. Till then, the stiff silence is his alone. We need to replace the very foundations of our marriage and that will be difficult with a whole household sitting on top of the crappy foundation we laid at first. That is no easy task at any time, but after 20 years it is not likely to be simple. Our Father is in this for the long haul and so am I.